You probably noticed I'm not posting so much...

That's because it's so hard to post a load of lovely happy pictures when someone else is suffering and there's so little I can do to help. This should be a joyful post. And instead it's another struggling one.

Connor Christopher was born last week, at home in water, with his lovely amazing mama bossing the midwives around and being in the birthing zone just as she wanted to be. He is gorgeous.And then he was refusing the breast, taking hardly any milk, until I told them that if they didn't call LLL I was going to get a taxi over there at any cost and inflict my children on them until they got help. His little cry was so weak. :(

The LLL lady was amazing, and made a huge difference. But then the midwife weighed the baby (!) and he had lost weight (!) and one thing leads to another and now he's in hospital being tube fed expressed milk to build his strength up for nursing again. All his tests came back perfect though, so apart from being stressed out and tired and hungry and on a tube he's doing OK.

And Emma is doing great, she's being so strong and brave for him.

It's like Jenna all over again, only my mum was there with suggestions 24/7 and we weren't made to go in to hospital. His loss was more or less the same as hers, though she was starting to latch on by now (albeit causing great pain).

And I want to fix it. But I can't. And it's hard.

And I shouldn't be making this about me.

I wish I could manage to show you all the happy pictures, planting Connor's placenta and shared meals with the newly grown family, and all of the fun play from this chaotic week. But I don't think I can. It's all too raw today.