Autumn Weekend

 We dropped in on Em and Chris on Saturday, and sent them out for an anniversary meal while we played with Connor.  It is such a testament to how these two wonderful parents know their little boy, that he is so happy and securely attached, he trusts completely that they won't be gone long and throws himself 100% into enjoying his time with us.  It was a pleasure to spend time with him like this, I really do feel totally privileged to be entrusted with him.

 He so nearly went off to sleep on Martin, until fun sounding play noises drew him back into running up and down with Morgan chasing him!

 When the mama and papa got back, we all went down to the park and spent some time catching leaves.

 Come ON tree!

 Ah so beautiful.  Love the windswept boy and his beautiful mummy.

 Then on Sunday we met my mum at Carsington, the first time we have been in ages.

 I remember doing this when I was her age!  This one ton granite sphere rotates on a thin film of water, it is so slippy and hard to stop, and as soon as you stop pressing on it the thing starts to move again.  Jenna could have stayed there all day.

 The reservoir was so low it would have been possible (but muddy) to walk across to the island.  I remember boating round it as a teenager.  There were lots of boats out this weekend, and wind surfers too.  The children watched for a while, from the mud.

 I got to meet the fabulous Lisa, who is staying with my mum.  She took some lovely pictures with great skill and overflowing joy.  This is how she mostly moved around the reservoir - crouching every few paces to get another shot of the toddling Rowan, or a stone, or a small wildflower.  :)

 Groups of people had been building structures in the stones, random unplanned group artwork on the banks of the lake.  It made my heart sing.

 A little sit down and a climb on some walls, before we went back to play with the stones some more.

 Someone's structure here being added to by my girls.

 Ah, well, and of course my beautiful baby.  These are my favorite two pictures of the whole day.  Yoga, sunshine and a rainbow - and then this mellow sleepy beauty in the rocks.

I made a labyrinth, with a little help lugging stones.  The children danced it, ran it, skipped it, and breathed in the evening sunlight.

Then another quick swing before heading back for another visit with Emma and Chris (a Sunday tradition, only later in the day than usual given our morning Church-skiving)!

Sunshine and breezes, leaves and stones and water, beauty and magic and friendship and comfort and shared meals and laughter and the deep deep love that surrounds us all.  Such times, such times are beyond perfect.

A defence of natural play

A few people recently have commented on the collection of lovely toys we have now, and looking at these pictures from this week I know just what they mean.  We do actually have quite a bit!  And it is all very lovely.  So, a little toy-sharing post.  :)

  

I joke that with my first child I bought a load of stuff, with my second child I bought green and handmade replacements, and when my third was born I made a few bits and gave a whole LOAD to charity.

The story of our toy shelves is similar.  With our first baby we were given a lot of plastic, and bought some ELC-type "educational" wooden toys.  With our second, we got rid of all the plastic and started to swap out many of the wooden toys for more open-ended things and small-scale handmades.  With the little one, well, we got rid of a lot more and I have mostly made new things myself.  We probably still have a fair bit of sifting to do even now.

I love the sensory quality of wood.  I love the adaptability of little building things and figures, and the odd role play tool (doll, sling, crib, playsilks, kitchen and pans, play food).  I love the timelessness of simplicity and the years of joy that will be found in these simple games.  

There are so many reasons to free the imagination from the paths of modern commercial toys. There are just so so many reasons to choose toys that have been handmade with love from natural materials.  This is not a negative choice, a choice from fear about plastics and pollutants and "bad influences" - it is a choice FOR something wholesome and good.  That's why we have one or two wonderful plastic toys still.  (Lego from when hubby was small, and a Bilibo bucket.)  We have to take care with the choices rather than thinking everything from one philosophy, brand or shop is all going to be wholesome (or necessary).  :)

It is tempting sometimes to think that we need *all* of it though, or as I often find myself saying "just one more".  To begin with especially the temptation was to go a bit overboard, and not really question the need for the purchases because they are "good" purchases.  Especially when we first ditched the junkfood toys.  Mostly, though, I think the balance in our house is a good one.  We have things that will last us for many years, and about half of our toy space is taken up with things that we have made ourselves or that are purely collected bits of nature.

We have three wicker baskets that are filled with 100% natural "toys".  One of shells, one of pine cones and large seeds like acorns and conkers, and one of medium sized flat smooth stones for building with.  They are played with all the time, and cost nothing!  

A good toy is something lasting, simple, and gives sensory pleasure.  Does it look and feel pleasing?  This isn't a question I asked myself when Jenna was small, but it drives most of my choices for them now.  Caricatures and garish colours, harsh noises and smooth cold plastic are not for me - they have their place, but I can think of many things I would prefer to bring into my home.  A wooden treasure box.  A small polished bowl.  A string of beads.  A smooth stone (too big to put wholly in mouth, not big enough to injure feet when dropped).  Large shells.  A simple doll of bunched cloth.  These are the things that start a baby’s journey out into the world of all those things the grown ups do every day.  And they will last for many years, and be put to many uses.

 

Play isn’t something you can buy, and it’s not just an optional add-on to childhood.  It is essential, the creativity and learning as our children physically engage in the world through their imagination and all their senses, it is just incredible to watch.  If you give your child one thing this Christmas, give them the gift of time spent at rest with no plan or instruction.  If you want to give even more, spend time yourself feeding their imaginations with wonder in the great outdoors and in telling and retelling stories and poetry.  ;)  We can all afford to give our children these gifts - in fact we can't afford not to.

One of my dearest friends, as a gift to his newborn son, wrote a story.  Just a simple, wonderful, wholesome, sweetly funny story.  Something about the love that bore that idea touches me every time I think of it – and the image of my friend earnestly reciting, to his grown friends, the story he wrote for his son…  Some day all our children will recite that story to us.  And I will bet on it making him cry.  (Love you, Mr Symes!)

 

When I see a scene that Jenna has set up and been playing with, I have one of those "aha" moments that we really have made good choices for her.  Her personality comes into it too, and I suspect as the others grow I will find they all have their own styles of play and prefered activities, but I do strongly believe that imitation and imagination are irreplaceable and innate.  And that they are best cultivated in free play, free time, and an enriched comforting safe and simple environment that VALUES imagination and allows children to join in the day to day life of the grown-ups who live there.

I can't claim to have totally stopped buying beautiful natural toys, but my allegiance has sort of switched to Etsy and other small scale artisans.  Myriad still has the best all-in-one-place range of beautiful simple toys, but the postage is high for me unless I am planning to place a large order - and since we have plenty of toys, I can't remember the last time I wanted to place a large order!  But here and there, in preparation for Christmas and birthdays, some little things find their way to me from here and there.  Even shipping from the US is often cheaper than shipping from a company in this country - though it is much less green.

Some sellers I love:
Mamakopp
Rjabinnik
Blackbearymountain
Syrendell

And one I haven't ordered from (yet): Just Hatched (because I have to share the beautiful moon and leaf puzzles - and strongly suggest that if any of you are going to order from them that we could share postage costs)!

I actually think, though, that we are reaching toy saturation point here.  What we have is played with, endlessly, and well-loved.  I'm just not finding that *more toys* are adding much to the play value (though I am sure I will sucumb to more little wooden folk)!

We are by no means a perfect Waldorf family (or a perfect Natural one either).  We don't really aspire to be.  But we do our best to consider what we really need, we love natural materials, and we care about being good stewards of our resources.  What I have in my home, what I allow into my children's lives (in my function as their gatekeeper to the world) is a reflection of the journey I have been on as a parent for the last six years.  Part of this lies also in the giving of archetypal images rather than specific characters (more on this perhaps another time when I puzzle out more of my feelings about media and where it fits into our ideals as both autonomous educators and "natural" parents).

I think, as scary as that seems right now, that my journey may be taking me towards purposeful simplicity and decluttering of my space...  And this includes Christmas (although we have never spent very much on presents).  I am aiming for one or two small presents in each stocking this year (apart from art materials and clothes) and a couple of small things to share between them in the treasure chest for later in the day.  This means a budget for ALL gifts for EVERYONE on our list, of £150.  Including crafting materials (that we don't already have in the house), children's presents, and stockings.  Realistic?  I hope so.  :)

*** Disclaimer:  I feel I need to add to this that I am not in any way criticising anything that, as YOUR children's gatekeeper, you allow into YOUR home - or actively choose to have their as it has value for you and yours.  I am sharing my philosophy as some thoughts and feelings I have been puzzling out and some joys I have been experiencing in recently seeing so much creative play between my little three.  :)  So, there is no instruction implied in these words, apart from the following - LET THE CHILDREN PLAY!  Thankyou.  ;)  ***

Creativity Parade

A mass posting of pretty things today!  So, we start with the fabulous pattern picture Jenna made for a friend.  :)

This is what these two have spent the last two days doing almost without a break - writing and drawing on some file cards they found from my college days (remember my file cards those of you who have known me that long?) well I like this use for them better.  Plus it tickles me that something so stuffy and formal is being used in typical childhood thinking-outside-the-box ways. 

 They played with them one day writing words on them and making phrases.  Another couple of days later they were using them as library cards and playing creative games with stacking the things.  Then a week later, two days of this!  Fabulous aren't they?

"To Mume From Jenna" the last one says, without spaces between the words.  And here is what the little one did for most of yesterday.  She was sick twice but seems fine in herself now so I'm guessing it was the eating of either a half-rotten leaf, or of the entire centre of the green pencil crayon.  Ick.

So I got on with crafting.  Finished this cardi:

 

 Finished some long overdue commissions, handwarmers and a pencil case (yes I know the pencil case is rather on the late side now but my defence is that finding a zip for it has been a pain lol). 

And this here is a Christmas present, lovely lace.  Really quick pattern too.

 More crochet.  All done in one long evening with a baby who just did NOT want to go to sleep as she had napped all day.  Damn these reverse days and nights during illness!

 And booties for a little late arrival who is probably too big for them!  Welcome to the world, baby Revill!

Particularly proud of the bonnet that my photography and unwilling model utterly fail to do justice to - actual IMPROVISED knitting.  I made it up.  *proud*

And to prove that she is indeed fine, the blurry speeding baby yesterday evening, outside the gym.  Jenna and Morgan have been to three classes this week - and swimming once too.  Busy busy little people.  :)

So, two days of ugh with a lot of crafting thrown in for balance.  Looking forwards to the weekend - and especially to this afternoon when I have a whole three hours off duty while they all go off to Dad group.  I think the first thing I get to do may have to involve picking up the entire contents of the living room from the living room floor, but oh well.  :)  Here's to a better week, more peaceful, more joyful, more in the moment.

Small Freedoms

 When you are six years old, it is a really big deal to be trusted to wash up the breakfast dishes when you ask if you can do anything to help.  It is an even bigger deal if nobody comments on the excessive use of dishsoap and the rather wet bubbly kitchen floor.  A stack of bowls and glasses equals a huge sense of achievement.  And mama does not insult her by washing them again, but only gives her a hug and thanks her, and rinses them before use.

When you are three years old, being told, "you can finish kneading this if you want to, just put it back in the bowl when you're done" is a really big deal.  It is the first thing you will tell Daddy when he gets home.  It is the first thing you will tell the postman when a parcel arrives.  "I made the bread all on mine self!"  Yes, yes you did.

When you are six, you might even begin to be allowed to use the kettle.  Making a cup of tea all on your own is a grown up thing to do.  And taking your first solitary walks to the corner shop?  This is a sign nobody can deny, you are trusted and able to take care of yourself in so many ways.  The corner shop seems suddenly further than just around the end of the street, and even without any roads to cross it feels like a huge milestone for her and for me.

Mama panics slightly at the idea of every one of these things.  But bit by bit, they come.  Times for letting go and taking stock.  Times for evaluating how far their independance may safely take them, before the time comes that they begin to feel caged.  And as they show me that they CAN, that they ARE, mama starts to look for other ways in which she can gift her children with trusts both large and small.  We are growing, not apart, but up.

Squirrelly Park Day

Yesterday we took a wander to the big park, where the squirrels were out in full force bouncing around the paths and long grass collecting food and digging little holes.  Do they really bury stuff?  Anyhow, they were definitely digging a lot of little holes.

We look so funny trooping up there together, Naomi and I with our six little ones between us.  With Morgan holding onto the buggy it looks like they mostly belong to her, but either way we often get more than average of the usual comments about having our hands full.  ;)

 Jenna found a tree leaking sap.  She asked if it was like maple syrup - and got her answer when she licked it!  Not so much like maple syrup apparently.  ;)

 

Rowan was chasing squirrels mostly, and wondering around looking confused saying "where's it go?" and "where is it?" and "SKL" (squirrel).

She got a better view from up here.

So did I (my best ever blurry picture of a squirrel lol).

And we had a lot of fun playing and running around, collecting leaves, but not conkers because some little grey things had nicked them all.

 

 

And I was not as prepared as I thought I was because when I looked for new trousers and socks for the soaking wet Morgan, I found lots of pairs of spare pants but no socks!  So we ended up stopping at the shops on the way home so that she could walk without her shoes rubbing.  Note to self, when packing change bag for weather, remember that even if the SKY is clear, the ground might be rather damp!

Hormones are making me crazy

Here, let's have an authentic start to Monday Morning.  ;)

I am swinging from super-manic-happy to utterly miserable this week.  This is how it is for me, not always, but sometimes.  I would like to hide behind that statement and stop typing now...  But denial is a killer, so here we go...

Here is Rowan.  Sitting in my lap with sleepy morning fuzzy hair and the big blue eyes.  She is utterly utterly beautiful and demanding and perfect and I am loving my life with her.  There is this one thing that makes me gasp for breath.  By this point with the others, I was pregnant with their new sibling.  In fact, by this point with the others, I had already *been* pregnant, and miscarried.  I am not having another baby yet.  I don't know if I will ever have another baby.  I long to have another baby.  It hurts to look at baby pictures.  You know - THAT kind of broody.

It scares me to sit here and type the words - I don't know if I will have another baby.

Asides from loving my babies and their babyhoods, I am GOOD at the baby stage.  I could do without colic, but you know what?  I know what to do, I'm well practiced, and when I can't do a damned thing at least I don't feel like it's my fault.  I know babies, the idea of having a seven year old some day is thrilling but also totally unknown.

Here are two big girls, as different and similar as can be, persuing that path off out of my safe arms into the rest of the world Out There.

By this point with the others, I knew what came next.  Yet here is Rowan, even while she is still my baby, walking and talking and looking at me with a sharp wit behind those innocent blue eyes.  This time as the year turns I just have no idea what comes next and how I will handle it.  Worse still, I don't even want to think about it - because the thought of making a decision about so much as what to eat for breakfast currently makes me so anxious I am likely to run and hide.

For the first time in a long time I have both rhythm and freedom in our days.  I am getting things done, in a manner that probably ought to make me at least a little proud after the number of confessions I have made about how naturally disorganised I am.  I have three happy self-contained little souls who check in but don't need me constantly.  I have a home, and every physical thing I need for day to day.  I have friends around me and a faith community and a husband who loves me.

I also have a LOT of hormones, all over the place.  So far we are up to four post partum cycles, all of them randomly spaced so just when I think I MUST be pregnant (or perhaps only night-nursing too much to go "back to normal") there we go again back with the tearfulness and the irrational urges to break things and the needing space to avoid feeling touched out.

Oh yes, and the can't-get-anything-right syndrome.  Most noticeable with friends who keep thinking I'm insulting them when I'm just being friendly, and Jenna who reckons I am deliberately antagonising her and treating her like a baby.  *sigh*  This part is the depression talking.  It can be safely ignored as one of those voices that doesn't get to command my respect right now.  Because depression has a lot of lies to tell, and "everything is broken" is definitely a lie.  See?  I'm starting to spot the signals to listen to and those to tune out.  Celebrate with me for a moment.  ;)

But this is where I am at.  Up, and then down again.  Coming out of that dark tunnel, but totally floored by everyday ordinary safe things.  Sometimes I feel so utterly out of balance.  Precarious.

And tired.  That too.  Very tired.  Rowan is back to sleeping through, and my body is craving more of that strange unfamiliar commodity.  I just want to go back to bed right now, and forget about the prospect of starting a new week.  Please stop the world, I want to get off.

That's all I have to share for this morning.  I hope it hasn't scared you all off.  ;)  The thing I want, desperately today, is to pull out some of the emotional laundry and give it a good shake in the daylight.  You know?  I also don't want to pretend that I am always fabulous and fine, because there are two truths...  What I show you of our triumphs and philosophy and learning, those lovely pictures of my beautiful kids, even the cheerful mess in my house, that's all real too.  It's all true.  :)  But it's never the whole picture.  I even edit the mess (a little - I don't tidy before I take photographs lol but I do avoid the most dreadful areas).

So here I am.  Unedited.  Just a little bit crazy.  But ready to start the day with hope, and a little bit more comfortable with my big questions and doubts and insecurities.  Here's to another week, with all the ups and downs it will doubtless bring us.

Pure Joy

Smooth shiny polished mahogany treasures.  Gathered in spite of the squirrel chattering away in fury and hurling bits of chestnut shell at us!  I LOVE Autumn.

A Song

The singing day solved my issues with Morgan's feet.  ;)

I sing, and I don't hate my voice, this I can admit.  This may or may not disqualify me from saying that everyone could sing for their children. ;)  I do suffer from the normal inability to take compliments, which I'm trying to overcome graciously, but when push comes to shove, I will sing in front of people with very little prompting.  I will sing on stage for no bribe at all, in fact, I will pay to do so (yes, folk and acoustic club, I mean you - when my little ones are big enough not to mess with the wiring for the sound system).

But improvising? Let's just say I'm working on it, as in, forcing myself. I used to do it when Jenna was a baby, and I didn't care if the tune didn't "work" right, but now Jenna is big enough for me to think of her as a critic (though she is anything but critical).  However not reading music means that in order to enjoy half of the Waldorf set pieces, I *have* to improvise. Also, the whole idea of singing through the day encourages me to be brave. I could sing the same four verses over and over, but where's the fun in that?  The more I read, and the more I got immersed in the feel of Waldorf in my home, the more it grew on me and the more brave I got.

It has been one of the slower things to come, a reluctant feeling I can't explain except to say I felt really cheeesy. I could sing something grown up, sure. Mostly folk and country, any music that I love to listen to. And blues. Not so much the rock, my voice isn't up to it acapella and hey I was going for shushing little ones to sleep and so on. ;)  But singing all day about everything?  What little I used to do I had got totally out of the habit of.

Anyway.

This week, in the middle of an epic argument about shoes and socks, I was struck by a bolt from the blue. I started to SING Morgan's socks on, smoothing them (and her) with my voice. I gave her feet a magic tickle, "to make them happy," and IT WORKED. And it has worked all week, no problems except my momentary embarrasment in public! I am utterly converted to singing ALL DAY LONG!

Give Thanks

Praise to the Lord, creator of heaven and earth, who has created the fruit of the vine.

This little Jewish prayer, and many like it, in several translations and rewordings, are changing my life. The ritual giving thanks, for thunder, for new clothes, for food, for every little experience of life, this is something really new to me. I was raised to pray, whether I felt like it or not, and usually not, but I was always kind of given the impression that if I didn't feel like it there was something wrong with me.

Blessed relief! It doesn't matter how it makes me feel! I can be thankful anyway!

Even if I feel rubbish, tired, ungrateful, I can say the words and mean them. I don't need to feel the "I love you" to say it, because love is not ONLY a feeling, it is also an act of the will. I don't need to feel thankful to KNOW that I am blessed, that life is good, that the world has a rightness about it beyond me and my current comprehension.

This one of many things that I have gained from the snippets of Jewish life I have been investigating for years now. Church in its many forms I have experienced for many more years. ;)

But something I am recognising more and more is that I was seriously misled by the idea that my FEELINGS about God were the most important thing. I'm sure this is not something anyone ever intended to teach me, but there it is. I have spent most of my life subconciously expecting that how I felt about something would change its essence.

This is the shift: waste time trying to manufacture feelings, or decide to persue what is right and good a wholesome NO MATTER HOW I FEEL?

(I'm not dismissing the importance of my feelings - and by extention, my instincts - but wow. I just today realised that I AM thankful even when I don't feel *happy*.)