I really am pregnant and I really do want this baby

I got to the surgery on time, and as we arrived a car pulled up and parked opposite the entrance and someone waved furiously at me from inside. As she hopped out I recognised my midwife from with Morgan. She was pleased to see us, to comment on how lovely (and grown) the children are, and remember how long ago 16 months is. Then she asked where we were off to today, and I said here. I told her I was pregnant, and she was delighted for us and said that we must be her first appointment of the day. She ushered us right into her office even though she wasn't ready to see me yet, and left us for a few minutes so she could check in with reception.

The girls played nicely in the office, and were never told not to touch or to leave alone expensive equipment. In fact, she gave the doppler to Jenna to play with and showed her how to use it to hear her own heart, Morgan's, and the rumblings of her tummy. It was such a lovely relaxed morning, filling in the endless forms didn't even feel like a hassle. It was hard, as I knew it would be, seeing in writing that this is my fifth pregnancy.

I finally feel more focussed on the baby and having it come home with me and be in my arms, and less focussed on being pregnant and it not feeling real and yet feeling flipping awful at the same time. I've been much much better with the two older ones this week too, as if it has lifted my whole outlook. I hope it lasts!

Some further fun to come out of today is to look back on Morgan's useless six week check. After I told the midwife what had happened and how the doctor had been she couldn't quite believe it so she looked it up in my notes on the computer. She laughed outloud, looked a bit puzzled and disbelieving, then turned the screen to me to show me what had been written. My GP described me as confrontational and argumentative. :) I am thrilled to bits with that! As the midwlfe said, "argumentative" implies the doctor was somehow under the impression that she should tell me what to do and I should do it.

Pregnancy misery is the price I pay, not a life choice!

A friend asked me last night why I'd "want to do this again" and I stopped, shocked. I know it was meant in love and support, but I felt confused. I DIDN'T want to do this again (right this second) and the THIS that I hate is pregnancy symptoms not actually pregnancy. I'm rubbish at it so far, and I just don't enjoy the early bit. The fact is, that doesn't deter me from wanting more children because I can't imagine being pregnant as an end in itself.

The *end* is a child, or rather the *pleasure* I find in it is a child (since it's a child all along in my mind). The actual discomfort and sickness and all of the hassle I go through to make a baby, that isn't something I'm choosing. It's just a side-effect of what I really want, children. I'm glad (though slightly jealous) that everyone doesn't have to feel like this in pregnancy...

But sometimes people imply that either if I want more children I somehow deserve to be miserable and have "brought it upon myself" as far as sickness and general misery are concerned, or that somehow I must like it really and it can't really be that bad if I consider it an acceptable price for having an actual baby! I don't know, maybe I'm not making sense.

I just feel that, especially amongst some of my friends, that they don't believe this pregnancy wasn't planned or they see that as irrelevant since I want the baby. I'm still emotional about it. I'm allowed to go on about it a bit. It is just how I feel. I don't want to feel unhappy to be pregnant and happy to be having a baby, and torn, and confused and unhappy about being confused.

After talking to Martin and thinking some more about whether I'm getting depressed again, I finally got around to making myself a booking in appointment with the midwife, who I'm hoping will help to make things a bit better for me (or possibly refer me to the GP to talk about what medication is safe for pregnancy). I don't want to be medicated, it's just not my first choice in any situation, but I'd rather be myself for my children than carry on not being able to care for them properly. I'm actually looking forward to seeing her now and talking about the baby - admitting that I'm really pregnant in a way.

Weaning, reassuring thoughts

My La Leche League meeting today was wonderful, and I had chance to ask a lot of questions about weaning and whether Morgan is likely to during this pregnancy. I was still feeling shakey about it til today, and now I'm sure that if she isn't ready she won't be persuaded to give up without a fight. If she is ready, it will happen no matter how much I try to persuade her to keep going.

This is a helpful way to look at it for me, and even makes me feel a little more that I couldn't have done anything about when Jenna weaned (I did keep trying to offer frequently and she said no!). I wasn't feeling guilty really, but still had in my head that she might have fed longer if I hadn't been pregnant with Morgan. Now I can think of it more as just how things happened - if I hadn't done any sleep training, if she had never been limited on feeding, if she had had a better latch from the start - who knows?

I'm glad to have fed Jenna as long as I did. I'm glad to be feeding Morgan still and for as long as she wants.

Tired tired tired tired tired tired tired tired

Still tired, still feeling bleugh, still not feeling very happy about life in general. I'm starting to seriously worry that I might be depressed. Or otherwise hormonally messed up (I can't blame the baby for making me feel THIS bad).

I even dozed off this afternoon and slept through Morgan crying, which I've never done before and it horrified me! I woke up to find her howling and red and blotchy, stuck on top of the computer chair. "I didn't pick her up!" Jenna said, and I had to reassure her that getting the baby unstuck wouldn't have got her in trouble. On a better note I managed to cook, which I haven't all week.

Lessons in validating

Still had the car, so I went and spent some money at a garden centre after Church. I got lots of native British plants, and spent a happy afternoon planting them and making my garden look really colourful and much more full! Wow, it looks so good out there... I just want some more roses and another apple tree (when I say "just" I'm sure I'll think of some more things!).

One thing that happened on our way to the garden centre was I learnt something important about validation in practice. I don't think I can put what I learn very well, but this is what happened. Jenna started saying she didn't want to go and that she wanted to go home. This wasn't an option, petrol was limited and we don't get many chances to go out like this. Martin started trying to tell her that she would LIKE the garden centre, that she always loves playing there once we get to it, that it was close now... All true, but she was getting angry and kicking the chairs now.

I gave him a look and said to her, "You don't want to come to the garden centre, you don't like being in the car so long and you've had enough, you want us to understand how cross you are and nobody is listening. You are angry that Mummy has taken your choice away and decided where we are going without asking what you wanted to do. You want to decide where we go, and right now you want us to take the car HOME."

She stopped screaming, and looked at me. She was still protesting, whining, not coming round to the idea, but she had been understood a bit better. She kept repeating that she didn't want to go, she wasn't going to the garden centre etc, but she was calmer now (in fact she sounded VERY tired but I knew well enough not to say that!). When we got out of the car she started saying, "NO NO NO nooo" and crying again.

I said calmly that I knew she was unhappy but sometimes there were plans that were going to happen, even if MUMMY didn't want to go either or anything! I wasn't sure that this was at all in the spirit of validating but I thought she needed to know that it was going to happen even though I understood.

Then over her protests I kept telling her that I heard how angry she was, that she wanted to stay in the car. I sat in that car park for twenty minutes, holding her and stroking her hair. Listening to her SCREAM and tell me she hated me. Then she stopped, looked around with an air of surprise at where we were, and ran into the garden centre laughing and exclaiming over what she could see.

We had a really easy trip after that, and she slept for about three hours from the second we got back into the car until I woke her up for tea.

And yet again so much better!

Yesterday turned from one of my worst days to one of the best this month. When Martin got here he took over, got the children ready and we got out as planned. Morgan had taken herself to the comfort corner after my outburst so she was happily asleep, and I was left to get myself ready and re-pack the swim gear that one or the other child had removed from the bag! Even better, Morgan slept 10 hours again.

Today we had the car so we went to Sudbury House and the newly refurbished Museum of Childhood (which was brilliant). It was a lovely peaceful day out, the children had fun, and I felt really actually happy to be spending time with them. Reconnected, contented. The only down side was that Morgan's little feet got really bashed up in her thin leather booties so we had to go and find some shoes for her somehow.

Startright STILL didn't have any size threes so we ended up going nextdoor to Next and buying a cheap pair of proper walking shoes and fitting them ourselves. I don't feel exactly happy about her wearing them but if we're somewhere her feet are going to get bashed I need to know she has decent protection. As soon as we can get some properly fitted ones we will do.

Better week, worse day

Well my awful mood didn't last too long last week, I had a nap and Martin cooked tea for us, and generally my week has been better since then. I'm struggling a bit still with feeling like I don't want to be around the children and they are so NOISY (the more impatient I get the more noisy... or maybe I just *imagine* they are being more noisy). We actually had three or four good days until today when I'm back to being utterly disconnected and angry with them. I screamed a couple of times at Jenna and then went and cried upstairs.

When I say I screamed, what happened was that I sent Jenna for clothes. She came back with trousers, pants, socks - no top. I sent her back for a top. She came back with nothing. I sent her for a top (still nursing Morgan). She came back with a jumper. I dressed her in what she had so far, and after VERY CAREFULLY EXPLAINING, sent her for a t-shirt. She came down wearing a nightie and nothing else, having taken off the trousers and underwear and left them somewhere.

I yelled, said we were too late for swimming now. She howled, I screamed ARRRGGHHHH (pretty much). I got up to try to find clothes as we were now really late and probably not going to make it whatever I did. Morgan climbed back up as I tried to get nappies together and pulled down my top, scratching me and making me bleed. That's when I went upstairs to cry.

Martin has got the afternoon off to come and rescue me, which I'm so incredibly grateful for I can't say. I don't want to feel like this. Being pregnant is making me so exhausted I don't have energy for the little ones, but neither can I be fully happy about the coming baby either. It's the worst of both worlds. I just want to bond with my bump and start being the mother I WAS to my children.

Resenting Morgan's needs and feeling awful

We've been dying eggs and making candles today, ready for Easter Sunday. I'm not doing quite as well with Jenna (I actually screamed at her earlier for that typically annoying three year old thing of looking for something that was right in front of her - why can she not see it when she's looking right at it, touching it?). I'm also feeling really down with Morgan.

As predicted I was very sick last night and had to spend most of the evening lying down feeling miserable and hating being pregnant. Then another night of not much sleep conspired to make me feel even worse today. Morgan has gone (again) from sleeping through to not sleeping at all, and although she was doing much better in her own bed than in ours I have ended up last night being in with her all night anyhow because she wanted to feed so much. I just got to the point today when I wanted to wean her, when my feeling that nursing her is one of the few things I get right and can do, to feeling overwhelmed by it and like I can't breathe with her in my space every moment of the day and night.

Worst of all is the idea, never fully gone from my mind, that if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't feel like this! I would be able to carry on meeting her needs and still feel that special closeness to her that I did a couple of months ago. I would be ready to let her wean herself from attachment at her own speed. Now I'm feeling more and more like pushing her away, and the more I feel like pushing her away the more cross I get that she resists it, and the more I want to push - just NOT BE her mother for a while. I feel like me being pregnant has ruined my relationship with her and I just want her to be allowed to be my baby again without my head getting in the way of it and getting resentful of her.

I'm burnt out. And SICK!

For the sake of the children?

I have had another thought about marriage - from my friend staying in her broken marriage. Her culture expects that of her, gives her no credit for what she is doing for her child and for her own integrity. She is certain that she is doing the right thing, regardless of what I think I might do in her position of what my own society says is right (the individual protected rather than the family unit)... She is not a figure of pity to me. I don't look at her and see someone trapped by her culture and her own desires for her child. I see strength, someone who is so determined to do right that the cost doesn't occur to her.

More than that, I think her culture and mine have a lot in common on this. If she were to leave, she would be outcast and openly criticised. Perhaps we don't go so far in the western world but in our own way we take the same path. Think of it this way, if leaving (for her) is criticised, shouldn't staying be honoured?

Shouldn't people gather around and support her, tell her that she is not un-noticed and that she should be celebrated for her strength and conviction? Do we, as human beings, care so much for goodness as we do for spotting other people's faults? Even thinking of my children, it's easier to think of things that bug me than things I specifically want to celebrate. What a crazy way of looking at people.

We have spent today preparing for our early celebration of Passover. Cleaning, preparing, cooking. Jenna has helped - volunteering for jobs she normally hates. We are really feeling festive! Emma and Chris arrive later, though I'm a little worried I'm not going to be able to join in as much as I want to. I'm feeling so ill, and I remember miserably spending one Passover lying down in the living room while everyone else ate... I'm just not cut out for pregnancy.

Love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will

Today we are having our first "date" in two years. The last time we went out without children was our second wedding anniversary, two years ago with me pregnant with Morgan. It has been a really romantic day, just being the two of us - though wierd, really wierd. Neither of us miss this much, it isn't as if we don't get time alone when the children are asleep (even if usually Morgan is asleep next to us) and it isn't that we don't get to do grown up things, date, go out. We just do those things with children along too and we really like it that way.

But there was something special about being undistracted today. A feeling that for me isn't possible in the first year anyhow really, and that is a difficult state to encourage at the best of times. Undistracted, focussed on each other. But we both have been remembering something recently - that yes we love each other and are commited to each other, but also we still are really very much in love. The mushy feelings aren't obvious, when tired, when frustrated, when rubbing along in everyday life, when worrying about money. When we pause, then we know.

A friend recently said to me when I commented that marrying Martin when I didn't know him very well was a risk - she said that commiting 100% to someone, no matter how well you know the person and no matter how trouble-free something is, it's always a risk. You can never see inside someone's head and you can never be certain that your own motivations are perfect, nothing is risk free - and that sometimes the longer people know each other the more the try to con themselves that things are good when they aren't. I think that's true.

I talked to another friend about her marriage - which she is staying in at cost to herself. She said that she has no regrets, that she would not have chosen for her life to take another path. Whatever pain there is now, she knows that they truly loved each other and that is never a mistake. It may be past, what is left might be barely two strangers who are simply sheltering a child and no longer each other. But what was, that was worth any ammount of pain in the present. What an amazing woman.

Meanderings on love nearly concluded, with one more thought. Even if at some point in the future we mess this up... Even if at some point we ruin what is so whole and good... It was worth it. To be truly loved, and to give everything for him, to be two individuals and one unit, it is worth it. Both the struggle in the past and present, and any future turmoil.

Easter garden and better discipline

The way I discipline Jenna is improving in leaps and bounds. I feel more in control of my own actions again and less afraid of my own angry reactions. I think just clarifying what I know I should be doing, and reminding myself that I can do it right and that I don't have to be tied into the same old ways of acting - I'm responsible for my own actions, and I can stop from losing my temper. I'm choosing not to give in when I feel like acting like a child myself. Why isn't it this easy all the time?

I've thought of a way to tell whether I'm being respectful in the way that I ask Jenna to do things - and in what I'm asking her to do. I want to act towards her more as I would to an adult, to a close friend or to my husband. I don't expect her to behave the same way, or for the issues not to be different (I'm not likely to have to ask my best friend to remember her limitations in picking up the baby) but I can probably guage whether I'm being polite by thinking of things that way.

Would I say, "OY! Martin, stop that THIS INSTANT. I do NOT want to see you touching that when I asked you to leave it alone!" I would be more likely to say, "Babe I need that to be safe. Can I have it over here? I'm worried it's going to get damaged if it's moved around."

"Put your coat on, it's cold." Might be more likely to be. "It's colder than it looks today, do you want to take a coat just in case?" I don't think I'm putting it how I mean it, but anyhow that's the thought that's helping me to not be pushing her on everything.

I spent most of this morning sitting on an industrial car park with the baby asleep on my back, scraping up moss for our Easter garden. When I went in to ask for permission at the reception desk Martin nearly waited outside with Jenna, he joked about never having married me if he'd realised I was this crazy. I suppose I gave the receptionist a bit of entertainment though. :) It was quite satisfying work really, trying to get the thick green mossy carpet up in one large clean sheet. It looks beautiful laid out in the tray with a little soil underneath and a pond set into it. There are tiny white flowers in one area, and some little baby herb robert plants with the red-gold leaves dug up from the patio in my garden.

What on earth is "shortening"?

I've been experimenting with cookie recipes and trying to copy and paste over a year worth of diary entries into a blog site (so it can be searchable and I can link the evolution of my more useful ideas). The diary is up to four months dealt with and many to go. It's a pain to do but I love how it looks and I think it will be more useful to me when it's done (plus I kinda like the geek stuff). The cookies are more reservedly successful.

I mean, does anyone know a cookie recipe that actually makes GOEY chewy cookies? I've managed hard, buscuity cookies. Soft but short-bready crumbly cookies. I've accidentally succeeded in making some really EXCELLENT flapjack (thanks for that recipe though Jeni!).

The key seems to be something called "all butter shortening" which Americans can't describe to me because they have never lived in a world that doesn't contain it - the Brits likewise are clueless because they've never heard of such a thing. Perhaps at the end of the day my unlitmate-recipe-search is going to be doomed to failure - I suspect I'm trying to replicate something that can only be acheived with fake additive-laden ingredients with long names.

Anyhow, the oat cookies that aren't really cookies but ARE really great are made like this.
100g butter,
100g sugar,
1tbsp golden syrup,
- melted in a pan together until caramelly and combined.

100g oats,
100g plain flour,
raisins,
- stirred in until mixed properly and then made into balls and baked briefly on greaseproof paper. Gorgeous! :)

Baby shoes, public feeds, Seder plans, and feeling good

I had a last few bits of shopping to do today, snacky things for the table for our non-traditional Seder meal. It turned out to be very good timing, as I took home a big piece of free greaseproof paper from Soundbites (previously used to wrap some pastries in for transport). It doesn't have a mark on it and since I tend not to be funny about such things its next incarnation is to be in helping me attempt proper cookies. :)

The only real downside to being in town was having another row with a presumably-nice lady in Clarks who tried to convince me that Morgan needs crawling shoes. I said that I know she would be best with proper shoes - and if she can't have proper shoes then the best thing for her is to be barefoot. She said that Morgan is "too small" for proper shoes. I said that, with respect, there is nothing wrong with my child. She is small, but clearly walking, therefore logically it isn't the child that is too small but the shoes that are not sufficient.

She said that Clarks have "never" sold size three walking shoes. I told her that they sold them to me for Jenna three years ago, and that it is only a desire to make shoes for smaller babies more acceptable for reasons of pure profit that the smaller walking shoes have been discontinued. She told me that they don't sell shoes to non-mobile babies. I told her that it doesn't go far enough and that a respected store like Clarks should have the courage to refuse to sell shoes at all of any kind to babies who were not walking. She told me that babies "need" shoes younger because parents have hard floors. I told her that booties with grippy soles are plenty good enough for that eventuality.

It should be clear by now that this woman sadly had not realised she was talking to a nutter who would not be swayed by her salesmanship. Eventually I just said, "I am not going to buy them. I am not trying to convince you not to sell them, although I think the company is behaving immorally that isn't a reflection on you. I simply will not buy them, and I will look elsewhere for shoes for my child until she fits into the box defined by your store policy."

On the way home my big toddling Morgan was tired and grumpy and I resorted to breastfeeding on the bus again. I was doing that hyper-alert thing almost daring anyone to question it (spoiling for a row perhaps after the lady in the shoe shop) but all I got for my vigilance was a smile from an old man a couple of seats in front when he glanced at the bubba. :)

Having Jenna back is great, as much as I have shouted and grumped in the last few weeks our relationship is 100% better since she went away for a couple of days. Her exuberance, usually exhausting and frustrating, is lovely to me again. She is showering us with affection. She and Morgan have obviously missed each other, they keep just giving each other hugs and kisses, and haven't scrapped for a toy yet at all. I'm really looking forward to having this week with Martin home, and to Easter and all the seasonal stuff we have planned.

Making judgements about messes

A lesson in what we say vs what they hear... This week I have forgotten myself once or twice and put moral judgement on an action performed by the lively and naturally thoughtless three year old. Two incidents I directly remember last week, so that you can see what I mean by moral judgement.

Jenna was building, Morgan was building, when Jenna suddenly had a hissy fit and said Morgan wasn't allowed to play with the bricks any more. They had been playing nicely alongside each other and neither had touched the other's building efforts. It was just a sudden desire to be alone. I said that Morgan was not going to move just now, she was happy playing, and it would make her sad to be sent away. Jenna insisted, getting louder and crosser and threatening to throw bricks. I moved Morgan before she got hurt, and said something like, "It's selfish and mean not to let her play with you. That isn't fair."

(By the way, if a brick actually HAD been thrown the consequence would have been that they get put away for safety, but rather than come to that point by insisting that Morgan play I was playing permissive mummy and moved the baby. Not only a bad move in general, but leading me to try to guilt her into playing fairly. I should probably have given the choice to play with Morgan, put the bricks away, or go somewhere where the bricks can be played with without making Morgan feel left out - and get the bigger bricks out for Morgan if that was what she chose.)

A couple of days later Jenna had poured something out in the bathroom (again). If anyone knows a way to keep her out of there without either locking it or her bedroom (the former unfeasible due to the shape of the frame, the latter cruel) please, suggestions asap! I said that I was really unhappy that my conditioner was gone, and that I was dissapointed she had been so wasteful and thoughless.

(Seems fair? It was really just disrespectful and hurtful. The best reaction in my opinion would simply have been to have her help clear up - and the next step would have been for her to help me pay for a new bottle from her piggy bank as she does this fairly often in spite of the conditioner being on the top shelf and her needing to fetch a stool to reach it! She needs to know that being wasteful costs us money, and if she wants to play at pouring away something expensive fair enough but she will have to buy it herself.)

This week, sitting listening to someone talk about Easter... "God forgives us when we are cruel and hurtful and unkind and selfish..." And Jenna's little voice pipes up sadly, "Mummy says I'm selfish." :(

So there you go, in a nutshell. A good reason to focus on consequences and not blame. Because she can't differentiate between a selfish action and a selfish person - because when I judge something she did I place a value on *her* (at least in her eyes). Sobering, isn't it?

Ways to help a damaged relationship recover from hurtful words, on a postcard to this address...

Still really sick!

Morgan touched the oven yesterday when I was toasting buns in it. She jumped, looked at me with eyes filled with shock, and said, "ot!" in a really disgruntled tone of voice. I said, "Sorry baby, I didn't remind you I was toasting! Is your hand OK?" She flapped it at me for a bit and then showed me that it was fine lol. Our oven has a very thick door, otherwise I'd have been more careful having her in there with it on, but it shows just how she's making sense of those concepts.

I'm still really sick, so we've had two totally permissive days. Basically I've spent most of the time in the bathroom and the rest in the kitchen trying to make myself something to eat, so the two of them have run riot, got out every single toy, spread food all over everything... I had the added humiliation of a Gas Safety Inspection this morning - the poor guy had to kneel in day-old rissotto to get to the fireplace. AND I had been planning on hoovering this morning before my inlaws came for the girls so the house was still gross when they arrived! *sigh*

Today I will only get Morgan back, Jenna comes home tomorrow. Then Emma is coming up for the day. My mum is collecting Jenna to take her to Newcastle for the weekend. Monday Martin is working and I have two children alone - then Tuesday onwards he's home for a week. Bliss! :) Don't expect too much from me next week. ;) Alternatively, expect me to be camped out on here all week while someone else is in charge...

Reasons why I hate being pregnant right now...

Right, OK so now it has really kicked in (so cue the self-pity). I am really sick. I hate early pregnancy, and as much as I'mm trying not to dwell on it, I can't snap out of feeling low about it. I didn't want to be pregnant yet anyway - not really - and now I have to be ill and tired too. Not fair (stamps feet).

Along with feeling negative about the pregnancy again, I'm struggling to be nice to my children. Jenna has been downright defiant and rude today, every time I have asked her to do anything (or told her to stop doing something this very second) she has screamed at me, thrown things, typical pre-school stroppiness. It has wound me up to the point of yelling a couple of times; and when she wouldn't help me tidy up the toys she had thrown around out of boredom I threatened her with early bedtimes (way to go on the gentle parenting!).

Things are a bit better this evening, she grudgingly helped me tidy after some coercion which although I feel guilty about I obviously thought was necessary for my sanity at the time. I guess it just feels like every time things are OK one of the children does something to set me off feeling rubbish again - so naturally rather than getting my head right before speaking I'm blaming it on them as if they were doing it all to me... I really want things to change. I also really want a break so that I can have some perspective that isn't bitter towards them - or myself. :(

I've thought of something good though. We've been arguing over nap times again and she has been doing awful stuff when she's up there and doesn't want to be. But today she went up like an angel, she complained and then when I insisted that it was going to happen anyway she went up and after one story settled down for her sleep quietly. And I didn't hear a sound from up there, so no messes to deal with badly or otherwise today!

Gentle Discipline (work in progress)

I think, after a lot of mental meandering, I can summarise myself into two sentences. Don't sweat the small stuff - children are children, and do childish things. AND Use the best possible way of asking for co-operation when you need to. Now I'm going to try to expand that and outline my feelings about discipline and my ideals for dealing with my own children.

Bear with me, I'm not perfect and as imperfect as even my ideals are I don't manage to stick to them all of the time. If something sounds a bit wishy-washy then either a) I may be being permissive/neglectful, let's talk about it! or b) you may not be very trusting of children, hey, let's talk about that too. :) I'm not offended if you think I'm unrealistic/naive/strict/authoritarian - but I'd like to hear your views (be gentle, assuming positive intent is for grown-ups too).

So here we go.

What I think I would tell myself, were I ever to write myself a handbook.

- Don't sweat the small stuff. Children do childish things and almost all of those things are, by nature, small stuff. When the red tide sweeps in, time out *yourself* and get a cup of chamomile tea. Say that you're going to calm yourself down, keep it light, and don't imply that you're withdrawing yourself *because* of the child. Cuddles are not a reward. Even if your child just did something that upset you a lot you will both be healed more by a hug than by withdrawing love.

- Don't insist on uneccessary rules that you don't even know the reason for. Sensible rules are about safety or protecting the feelings of others - but don't look for excuses, be honest. "Stay on the pavement!" is a rule for safety, "Let mummy cut things out for you," (at four or five) is maybe just a reason to get safety scissors or loosen control on the project or both. Let children have a genuine choice, including over things that you'd rather control - but then actually follow through and let them get on with what they want to attempt, don't argue and correct!

- Assume that their actions or emotions have a reason behind them and then ask yourself if making them (more) unhappy is going to help them feel better and act better. Clue: The answer is always no. Witholding a drink from a tantruming child is unlikely to make the big feelings stop (it may force the desperately thirsty child to supress their upset but it WILL come out later). If you'd give a drink when they weren't shouting, give a drink now. Consistency isn't more important than love.

- Once something is done (ie usually a mess) it is done. It won't get undone by yelling, and the emotional mess will come next. Easier to look at the problem - and the problem isn't the child. Oh look, paint on the floor. Let's deal with that together. Assume positive intent, it will help you stay calm. And if it *was* on purpose then it was for a still for a reason, one that was logical to the child - whatever the reason was the solution is not harmed by dealing with it gently.

- "No" is not an instruction. In fact "no" can often be done away with unless it's an answer to a question that you can't say "yes" to (for REAL safety reasons). The best way to tell a child to stop something in an emergency is to say "STOP". No is ambiguous; what exactly is the no to (breathing, walking this way, walking at all, swishing my dress as I do so, looking at that pebble, singing that song)? In the time it takes you to add something specific your child might not actually be stopping. "No" blocks exploration. "No" blocks conversation (which blocks relationship).

- Use positive words to ask for co-operation. Why not *start* with the specific - and phrase it in terms of what you actually need? A mild, "I need you to come *this* way," is less likely to result in a mad dash for freedom. Try it - "Stop shouting!" becomes "Quiet voices please," and "Get off the grass!" becomes "ON the path!"

- A reminder in advance - and the first time something is going wrong - can be helpful. In this family we... I like to see... I expect... The rules can be flexible, but let's be honest, we never want to see the baby being sat on and we always expect that gentle hands will be used. Explaining your expectations for behaviour is the way to go - children are more reasonable than we give them credit for and they *want* to co-operate. Explain (all the time) the reasons for what you're doing or plan to do. Talk in terms of how other people feel, how you feel, how it feels when... You don't need to go into too much depth, depending on the age of child. If one child is hurting another sometimes all that is needed is, "It looks like that is making him feel sad."

- There is no reason for riding roughshod over big feelings. Repeat back to the child what they seem to be feeling - when they are small this can give them the words they need, when older it is saying to them that you hear them and you care. "I understand" sounds inauthentic; "It doesn't matter," and "It's OK," are dismissive! Try, "It looks like you are feeling hurt/angry(frustrated)/lonely/tired" (HALT) or "I hear that you don't like it when..." Questions may be unanswerable but with older children asking how they feel about something or why something is bothering them might give you some insights. If you get it wrong they'll start to correct you when they get used to the idea that you're listening and trying to understand.

- All feelings are allowed, but sometimes some expressions of them aren't. It's OK to ask a child to tell you something in a normal voice when they are whining or if you can't make out the words. If a child is simply crying too much then slow down and give them space, it's not that they'll forget what was wrong if you let them calm down in their own time. Don't correct feelings you don't like - eg denying that they can possibly hate someone or something.

- Give warnings when something (ie a transition) needs to happen. Say, "In five minutes we will need to..." and explain why. When it gets closer ask for the child to get ready, or tidy up, or say goodbye, whatever. Then give them space to do it. Offer genuine help. Make more of the day negotiable.

- Always re-evaluate. Be flexible. At any point you can change your mind - not because you are undependable but because you can be depended on to be fair even when the rules aren't. Every situation is different as is every child (and often they themselves change from day to day). And never be afraid to reconnect and appologise. It's good for our children to see that we're not perfect and that we hold ourselves to a standard of behaviour. It's good for them to be the powerful ones sometimes (role play games and physical play are good for this) - to be the one who wins or the one who needs to have their forgiveness asked!

- Make kindness the priority. The relationship is the thing, not the rules.

Just when you think it can only get better...

The first thing that happened to us today (after we were up and dressed) was not a discipline triumph, I have to say. Jenna had gone into the hallway and was playing with her umberella. I asked what she was doing, she said playing nicely. After a while there was the pad pad of feet upstairs and the bump bump of something dragging down again. I asked again, she said she was playing with the drum stool. I said it must have been heavy to get down the stairs, and when was it going back up? She said in a minute and I left it at that. (My excuse is that I was feeding Morgan her breakfast milk!)

Then our burglar alarm went off.

I forgot all of my gentle words for about thirty seconds as I, to be quite frank, had a flap. I couldn't remember the code to turn it off for the life of me, and visions of the police (stationed literally a block away) turning up and being sarcastic with me flew through my mind.

I think it went something like, "OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF OH NO ARRGGHHH HELP WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING THERE GET THAT STOOL UPSTAIRS OH NO OH oh it's off. Um, are you OK Jenna?" She ran upstairs pretty fast (bump bump bump with the stool) and wouldn't come down until I promised that I was calm now and not going to do any more of my panic. *blushes*

It all got better after that anyhow, lol. Morgan broke my heart waving goodbye with a big smile on her face. She is separating from me more deliberately now. It isn't that I ever forced her to let me leave when she was unhappy, but in some ways I wish I had been more adamant about taking her with me to befriending when she was smaller. It would have been easy - though I can see why they don't advise it for their health and safety thingies.

I knew that I could leave her without her being at all sad. It wasn't really the *best* thing for either of us though, even with her permission if you like. One more thing to go on the list of things I don't want to repeat.

Morning sickness and other tiring things

I'm noticing a frustrating pattern in our co-sleeping arrangement this week. I'm so tired by the time we get to bed, partly because of illness and partly just not judging it right and going too late, that I can't be bothered to shuffle her over to her own area. She ends up sleeping in the middle of the bed, where we all disturb each other just that bit more. She nurses ALL night like that. I really have to remember to move her over, or I'm going to start resenting nursing her again. At least I'm not uncomfortable from the pregnancy at the moment.

The only other little nursing niggle with Morgan is really more of a toddler funny than a rant. She likes the fast let-down now, and asks for the other side after a few moments. We sit, she nurses, she sits up, points to the other side and tries to undress me, then decides the first side was better after all. It's crazy, and although she doesn't do it often it does make feeding her take much longer. I'm telling myself that I'm not only satisfying a need for food or drink...

This morning was the first morning of real morning sickness, I felt dreadful this morning but at least it didn't last past breakfast. I know the drill by now, eat regularly, peppermint tea, ginger... I hope it doesn't last as long as with either of the others though. It wore off by 20 weeks with Morgan, though I had stopped actually being sick at 16 weeks. I don't do pregnancy very well. I'm generally happy about it now at least.

I'm still thinking about how to explain my discipline style properly. I left that section on my site for so long - I just don't know how to explain what I see the shape of in my heart.

Random (long) essay on Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, by Naomi Aldort and some other discipline books

I thought the SALVE formula (Aldort) was helpful, but strongly disagree with her assumption that children shouldn't be actually asked to do anything they don't immediately want to. It seems that saying children have equal rights with adults is equivalent to saying adults have no rights at all - and should generally just facilitate the children doing whatever they want whenever they want it, including picking up after them, and that's the end of the story.

If you're confident enough as a parent to see that it doesn't have to be that way in order to be sufficiently gentle and completely unconditional... You can in fact, with total respect for your child wanting to not do so, ask them to pick up after themselves... Then no harm. But I would hate to see people pick up this book and feel that they were harming the developing psyche of their child by insisting that co-operation is a two way street!

That's why I like the Kohn book actually, that he says you and you alone know what matters to you. The lack of guidance for specific scenarios makes sense in those terms, so really the only further guidance in the Aldort book is to ask us to mentally run through the angry words before talking to the child. I do like how she writes though, her way with words. :)

I think that reading Kohn (Unconditional Parenting), then moving on this, then on to How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is a good reading order. And then Playful Parenting by Laurence Cohen.

I think How To Talk is useful to read after these two because then the grounding is already coming from the prompts-to-parent-for-helpful-communication rather than (as Kohn says) trying to force them do what we already decided they should even if we later think perhaps we were unreasonable.

If you came to How To Talk from a punitive background then it becomes just techniques to add on to or replace punishment. But I don't see that it was written like that - in fact the dangers of using the words as a formula and being inauthentic are described if anything more strongly than in the Naomi Aldort book.I found the little cartoons irritating and unrealistic, but for a parent who thinks that there is legitimately a place for parental authority in keeping children safe and maintaining the balance of the family relationships, finding better words to use and more respectful ways to ask for co-operation becomes quite important!

Books whose "technique" is just to insist that parents shouldn't tell their child anything or ask them to do anything (and yet claim not to be permissive because they don't NEGLECT their children) aren't necessarily bad. I've found good in them. But I wouldn't buy the approach wholesale except as a basis FOR another form of discipline. Love alone *without* an expectation of social behaviour (which need NOT be putting conditions on that love) is gentle, but not balanced gentle discipline in my book.

Loving a child and giving them everything they want may make them happy but not necessarily make the family happy - ie the parent who sees a toy snatched and says, to the unhappy toyless child, "oh you're sad now, you really wanted to play with that" but feels that they can't take the toy back off the agressor without disrespecting their right to self-determine. Eventually the child wants to be helpful and fit in with the way everyone else does things, but in the meantime everyone else has to suffer because parental authority is denied in favour of making unequal abilities take equal decision-making.

Back to regular diary entries, methinks. Still pondering my reading and what my conclusions from it might mean in terms of changes... :)

A quiet day at home

We had our duvet day after all. I feel really sniffly today too, and although Jenna is better she's still a bit teary and tired. We also had our promised hot chocolate. And we made frozen banana lollies (half a banana on a lolly stick with melted chocolate and sprinkles, then frozen on greaseproof paper). Our chocolate quota is definately up after today!

We have played tent, with some giant clips from the Oxfam sale and lots of playsilks (and a sling to make the roof). Her little wooden chairs are great for clipping things to - who needs a playframe for over £100? ;) Jenna heard the story of Rapunzel for the first time last night so the play was based around that (and many variations in which the princess safely escapes down a ladder knotted from bedsheets, or in which the prince marries the witch instead by mistake lol).

When I said that she could play more on her own so I could go and make tea she asked if I was stopping from playing, "because the witch voice makes you tired?" (Yes, I was the witch most of the time. Morgan was an unwilling princess so that Jenna could wear a red cloak and be the prince. Only Morgan wouldn't stand still long enough to marry her prince Jenna and they nearly came to blows!)

Late, after Martin had gone to take Jenna up, and while I was typing away working on some thoughts about the discipline books I've been reading, Morgan climbed up on the toy store and took a tumble. She must have over-reached, but when she shrieked I turned around to help her and saw her fall. She hit her face on the table as she fell, so although she isn't injured she's really unhappy and I'm off to nurse her a while and tend to the emotional turmoil of a one year old with wounded pride (and face).

Have to just quickly share this with you all before I rush off. This is one of my favorite Hathor comics of all time. http://www.thecowgoddess.com/2007/10/16/classic-hathor-indelibly-etched-2003/

You love Morgan more than me

So we didn't get as far as the usual story time this morning! We went into town although Jenna was still complaining that her head hurt and her throat hurt and her ears hurt. When I suggested staying home and resting (and snuggling in a big blanket, with snacks and hot chocolate) she cried, so I figured if she feels like going out and doing stuff then she's probably not as poorly as I think!

I got her some Hepar Sulfate, more homeopathic stuff, for her earache and sore throat. I don't know if it worked or not but she immediately stopped complaining of pain and even when I asked her said she was fine. She seems really tearful now though, whether as a consequence of the illness or the treatment is anybody's guess. We're actually having a really good day, a good couple of days.

I'm trying to concentrate on not nagging Jenna so much and asking myself whether I really need to intervene so much. A lot of the things that irritate me aren't a big deal and if I can find a way to stop leaping on them they might not become quite such battle grounds. We're certainly shouting at each other less, though I think she may be doing more of the irritating stuff (like tipping out toys, which I've decided the best response to is just put some of them away and if she complains telling her that she can choose which stay out).

In town I noticed that she was staying closer, being more polite, and not getting so excited (ie singing at the top of her voice) on the bus. I just explained what I expected and told her that it would make the other people on the bus happy if she could be calm and quiet until we got off again. And there was no conflict; when she got loud I didn't comment and she suddenly realised that she was being noisy and stopped without so much as a glance at me to see if I was approving or not.

As I put her to bed half an hour ago we had one of those little talks that I will never really get my head around. She said, with an air of offence, "You didn't get me a sausage roll in town! But then you took me to Early Learning Centre, so that was nice." Then later, as she was drowsy and I said I needed to go downstairs to check on Morgan (asleep on the sofa on her own), she sat up and said something that made my heart stop for a moment.

Jenna - You love Morgan more than me.
Me - [desperate pause to find something validating] Is that how you feel?
Jenna - Yes. You love Morgan most cause she's the smallest and she needs you.
Me - Oh. [hugs her tightly feeling dreadful] Thankyou for telling me that I'm upsetting you, honey.
Jenna - No, it doesn't make me sad. You love Morgan the most cause she's small, but you love me the most cause I'm big. I'm your friend aren't I mummy?
Me - Of course you are. Do you know I really love you the same ammount?
Jenna - Yes. We're both your special daughters.
Me - Does it still make you sad when I have to go to Morgan and leave you here?
Jenna - Yes. A bit. No, it's OK. I don't want her to cry.

I have a bump!

Mother's Day has been fantastic, perfect in fact. We went to my Mum's Church this morning, and then out for lunch all together. I also managed to try on clothes in the counter-culture clothes shop and got myself a fairtrade skirt (hippy and patchwork) and a green and gold silk dress that isn't a maternity dress but looks like it. Both very flattering to the proto-bump that hasn't GROWN so much as SOLIDIFIED. ;)

I had no intention of buying clothes this month, or anything else for me apart from parenting books. But they were very much reduced and my mum offered to get the skirt for me. So I had a mothers day present - from my own mum! Jenna made me an assortment of sprinkly gluey glittery cards, one with loads of perfect little (huge) kisses in purple felt tip on the inside. It has been a fab family day.

I'm still in the midst of trying to write down for myself what experiences I think I would like to be different from my last pregnancy. Hey, having a silk dress wasn't on the list but maybe it should have been! I'm feeling very, pregnant. It's good, and still a secret from enough people for it to be fun seeing when people will notice - although it's a bit soul destroying when I tell someone and they say, "Oh I THOUGHT you were looking a bit pale and ill!"

Too much direction, too much control

Response from another parent who was at soft play when Jenna had her mega-meltdown; "Thank goodness other children behave like mine! I thought Jenna never screamed or kicked or said no, and my child was somehow terrible for occasionally carrying on like that!"

Anyhow, my Amazon order arrived in three short days in spite of me selecting the free shipping option. So I have been reading discipline books back to back, and have some thoughts about how I am with Jenna. I am definately nagging her too much, talking too much, telling her too much. Sometimes, for no reason, it's a constant stream of do this don't do that. That clearly has to stop.

The other thing is the bathroom issue, her suddenly wanting to play with water up there and then lie about the mess. We have decided that the lying is definately a fear of our reaction, and that we really have to stop blaming her at all and do what we're always saying we should and focus on the clear-up. We shouldn't make such a big deal, and maybe it will stop - not that she's doing it because we react or anything, she's doing it because she's three. But there's no reason for being three to force her to lie and hide to protect herself from being shouted at.

Since realising that there have been two incidents of bathroom watering, which simply haven't irrtated me like they did before, and have been cleaned up with no damage to her tender heart. We've also been getting on a LOT better for not directing and controlling her too much. Things are feeling less stressful by a great deal; I really hate getting to the point where we're enemies and fighting over everything.

A good night out... Glucose tollerance test?

Last night I went to the cinema for the first time in about three years! Martin had the girls, and Lorraine, Emma and Sam all came over to head off for the night. It doesn't really matter what we watched (National Treasure 2 lol) but we giggled and ate ice-cream and basically pretended to be 17 again for a while.

It was strange, although I missed the children a little, I was more distracted from moping than I thought I'd be. Of course as soon as we got out of the cinema I asked everyone to turn phones back on to see if there was an urgent message from home! Maybe I shouldn't have left it so long, shouldn't have worried so much. But Morgan is much more fretful in the evenings that during the day, so leaving her for befriending has been simple compared to the stress of being away during her peak feeding period.

Naturally Morgan fed all night, so I'm feeling tired today. The knock on from that is feeling dizzy and sick, but I haven't actually *been* sick still which is good. I'm also hungry constantly, and not usually for anything healthy. The knock on from that is that although I had decided to refuse the GTT I now might take it, because I'm eating cake and all sorts of other things I shouldn't be and wouldn't normally want! Perhaps I'll just wait and say I'll only do it if there's any sign of trouble...

Minor potty frustrations but a hard day handled well

Yesterday wasn't such an easy day, but I was surprised how I coped with it. Jenna was with the tired screaming tantrums for most of the day, without any obvious reason. Nevertheless I mananged not to scream back at her and handled things, well, as if she wasn't screaming really.

At soft play there was a little disagreement with another child. I said that if she couldn't play nicely we would have to go, as they had been fighting over a particular toy for a while. She shouted, "NO!" and ran off when I suggested that she go and see why her friend was crying. So I said we were going - and she spent the next ten minutes as I dressed her kicking me and crying as if I was hurting her.

A couple of times I tried to ask her to use words, or told her to keep her feet still because she was hurting me, but that just made her shout louder. When she was calm, Morgan went to give her a cuddle and climbed onto the chair with her, at which point Jenna threw her off and she bumped her head. :( Poor Morgan had to be nursed then, until she could go in the sling and I could get them home.

The rest of the day was much better. On the way home I got Jenna a drink of rice milk and an apple, remembering how much harder it is for her to behave well when hungry and thirsty. I think it also went some way towards showing her that I wasn't trying to make her miserable! Either way it was fine after that, we traveled home with her telling me how sorry she was and that she loves me.

Today I am trying to work out what to do about Jenna and the toilet... It's really impossible to stop her going up to the bathroom alone - she can work all the doors and gates and when we put a lock on the bathroom she broke it. But I can't trust her up there at the moment, she keeps wanting to empty stuff into the sink and she doesn't seem able to remember that it makes me cross. I don't know how to stop her, or how to get through to her that it costs us money and that she has to clear it up afterwards!

Morgan keeps pointing at the potty and making cue noises, but I think she's just telling me about it rather than actually intending to do anything. When I sat her on it she giggled, got up, sat down, giggled again, made another cue noise, and ran off to play. So... *shrugs* At least whether Morgan can or can't take herself to the toilet isn't an issue in any way. ;)

On an even keel once more!

Jenna is totally back to normal and so am I. No more symptoms to report but I'm still drinking lots of peppermint tea and eating little and often in paranoia that I'm going to be seriously sick any day now. And I'm officially driving my longsuffering husband crazy with talking about slings. I think it's probably the worry about what comes next - ie the actual purchasing of slings! Of course the actual budget isn't there yet, which is a good job otherwise the whole lot would have been blown on a Sakura Bloom rainbow stripe silk ring sling which I would probably have been too scared to use anyway.

Morgan has stopped biting me when she's falling asleep, and started occasionally biting when playing. She bit me on the shoulder last night, while giggling and licking me. I said "OW" and held her off at arms length looking shocked. I think she was a bit worried about being told off, because she squirmed and did the toddler shy don't-be-cross-with-me snuggle into my neck. It's such a sweet little maneuvour. No doubt she realises how irresistible I find it. :)

This afternoon the two of them have been playing properly together. This is a new take on one of them meddling in the other one's game, as Morgan actually started this one and they are both role-playing alongside each other. It's strange, to think of Morgan as a baby still (although she is in some ways) when she does so many Big Toddler things. Morgan just offered Jenna a kiss, then pinched a teacup quick while she had the chance. Uhoh, now Jenna is trying to make Morgan lie down and "be a baby" which obviously isn't going to happen. I told her to let go and let Morgan play how she wants to, and that seems to have simmered them down a bit... They always seem to come to this point just before naptime when they can't leave each other alone any more but both need space.

Oh, and today I wore the frankenkozy I was making yesterday on Emma's sewing machine (I'm jealous, it's a fab machine). It was really very comfortable round town all morning, and I love having the choice of two nice (bright, zany) fabrics. I had two people ask where I got it from too, always nice. Sadly in all this I forgot that the gas inspection man was coming for his yearly visit, so we arrived home from out New Sling outing to find him driving away. *sigh*

And in similar council efficiency related news, the letter we had yesterday threatening baliffs if we didn't pay outstanding council tax from the house we moved out of three years ago turned out to be a mistake (!) The landlord hadn't notified anyone that he was liable for the council tax after he evicted us (obviously!), and even though we were rehomed in a council property they hadn't put two and two together. They actually owe us £20! :)

Pregnancy happy thoughts, or at least more laid back ones

So today has been better in several big ways. I'm feeling much better about being pregnant, partly because being at Church today was so uplifting. It was bright (but cold) first thing and being in that lovely old building with people who care about us, and probably more importantly than anything else finding that I could pray about it. Silly I know, but I haven't been able to, probably avoiding hearing something I don't want to. Anyway, I reached the point finally of thinking of this baby as planned. If not by me then by somebody; this life has a purpose and I'm not being given more than I can handle.

In fact I felt so much better I could get back to my customary sitting-at-the-back stiffling-of-giggles at the pianist, who staggered through one particular hymn like a drunk through a crowded bar... Someone needs to count for him (one two three four one two three four) or I'm going to laugh so hard one day someone will notice and I might die of shame. The poor guy is no doubt doing his best, and they are all such nice people - I have a sneaking feeling I'm not really very nice myself. ;)

Another big thing is that I'm not actually being sick. It must have been getting so stressed at Jenna (who is calmer today, yet another improvement). She's still struggling with impulse control, especially when she has had anything sugary (even yoghurt or something "innocent" like that) but I guess it's partly a Three thing, reverting to stuff I thought she had grown out of. I'm still doing ots of helping her to do what I asked (practically as I'm asking her to) and also telling her ten minutes before anything needs doing what is happening next...

It's like having an 18mo again and Morgan is approaching that stage too! At least Morgan likes tidying up. Jenna likes getting out everything she owns and then throwing herself on the floor when I tell her to put it away, or saying that someone else did it even if she knows I saw her.

I have to start taking my own advice and thinking about the consequences rather than the crime itself. Otherwise this is going to be such a cause of sibling grief - there's no need for her to blame someone else if I don't shout or try to make her sorry. It's easy the first time, harder when the same thing happens again an hour later. Even a week ago I was doing much better at not rising to the little things she does, but this week I'm having to daily remind myself that the more angry I get the less likely she is to own up and help me put things right.

In Morgan News, she cut her foot last night breaking a plate (I know, I should have taken it off her sooner) and I had to stick a plaster on it to stop her poking herself. She does seem to have figured out "Hot" properly though and when she saw the radiator at Church she touched it gently with one finger and said, "at" and that was that. She is also STILL emptying the clean nappy basket out and bringing them to me one by one - but at least she puts them back when I tell her too! And she's still asking to be changed every time she's dirty, trying to take the nappy off herself and everything.

What on earth is up with Jenna?

Yet another cute Jenna statement. She picked up my shoes for me and just for a moment I could see her raising her arm as if to throw them to me. Then she stopped, looked a little pensive, and said, "I don't think I should do that, they might bonk Em-dog - or a tortoise."

Morgan has asked for her nappy off a couple of times this week, sometimes because it was dirty and sometimes because she wants to pee. She has been fine going on the toilet but doesn't like the potty at all. That will teach me to try to save money by buying a cheap one. She makes the cue sounds when she's going, which is very funny. False alarms ensue in the bathroom however when she decides that she's going to make the cue noise constantly for no other reason than that she can SEE the toilet therefore she's thinking about peeing! Also last night she had a little accident on the landing as I was taking her to the loo. She looked around, grabbed a towel, and wiped up after herself. :) I was so pleased!

This morning w've been shopping and Jenna has just been - insane. I hate to describe her like that but she has been all over the place. The second I let her go in the supermarket she ran off (we lost her twice) and when I put her in the trolley she threw herself around, grabbed things off shelves, opened packets, pulled things out of the trolley and threw them on the floor, and grabbed a huge courgette from the fridge which she took a large bite out of. I didn't know what to do with her but I thought that staying calm with her and just not giving her any chances to cause further trouble was a good enough start.

Then we got home. She was fine for half an hour before she started running around again and laughing at nothing. After breaking an ornament she was told that if she couldn't calm down it would be nap time early as she was clearly hysterical.

She then took the plate she had just eaten the sandwiches from, put it on the floor, calmly stepped on it and cracked it. When she saw the crack she jumped up and down laughing and smashed it to pieces - it was a gift from her great grandmother and not something we can replace, she has never acted destructively towards anything, especially not something so precious to her. She didn't care - even when I said that I was upset that the plate was broken and that now it couldn't be mended. The urge to do something to MAKE her care was pretty strong.

So upstairs she went, but I doubt that it's the end of my trying day. While supposedly napping I have heard her out of bed a few times. I could hear her wrecking her room but I have no energy left to deal with it and have been throwing up for the past couple of hours. I had no morning sickness until today and I've just got so stressed with her.

She's meant to be going out with my mum as a treat too but I can't trust her to behave if she's like this. I just can't think what could have caused it, or what benefit she can see to acting this way. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened and she's eaten nothing more suspicious than cheese on toast.

I wish I knew where to go from here.

Edited to add that in consultation with the grandparents we have discovered that she has been fed YAZOO and FANTA over the past two days. She is officially banned from food colourings on pain of never seeing her again. Extreme but necessary I feel - if she's give things when I'm not around to see the reaction how can I know what she is and isn't OK with? They said that they had thought she was "acting a bit nuts" but didn't think to say anything...

Thoughts on a new sling list, and girlie friends far and near

When Morgan came back last night I had really noticed how long she had been gone and how full I was - it has been a long time since we last had an eight hour feed interval. She fed for half an hour when she got in and went straight to sleep on my lap, leaving me to hang about online far too long and look at yet more slings.

I had a mental list of perhaps a zippy meitaibaby and a ball baby overall, to which I've added a napsack just because (maybe in place of the BBO). I would love a long soft Didy, a 7, something plain blue like aqua waves or petrol nino. I have also kept going back to the GMBB Morgaine. Now I also really like Girasol Pacifica and Rainbow (old rainbow, earthy rainbow, anything lol). That list can't possibly be realistic, and I just can't choose - even though everything together would be a ridiculous £400 and far out of reach. *sigh*

Anyhow on more rational subjects, I decided to try to make myself something like the BBO just in case that convinced me to strike it off my list on usefulness grounds (or even possibly on I-already-have-this-one-and-love-it grounds). I chose from my lovely fabric stash some complementary zany stripes and flowers, and cut out all the bits. I even managed to utilise some bits I'd already hemmed so that cut down the work a lot. Then I spent two hours cursing the machine while Morgan slept on my friend Sam!

It seems to be a problem with the motor belt or the needle set-up so it isn't even something I can fix (the parts seem to move smoothly when I do it manually but the threads don't catch and the needle doesn't operate when the motor is running). I am feeling really fed up from not being able to do anything about it, and as a result of that have also totally neglected tea.

Jenna came home in the afternoon and we've been fine since then really (nagging feelings of irritation at the unfinished mei tai notwithstanding!) and my friend has gone home. We had a really interesting conversation setting the world to rights awnyhow, starting with the Jordan/SMA scandal and working up from there. It's nice to know that even when their lives don't have a lot in common with mine right now, we can still be on the same wavelength and they don't find my opinions offensive (as childless working women who aren't planning families yet if ever).

My circle of women, all kinds of different people with all kinds of different lives. And they care about me enough to talk on subjects of parental rights and food safety law and the best way to boost breastfeeding rates! They care enough to be here at all, when Derby isn't for many of them home and my home isn't in any way on their route. It can be good to belong.

Why do I feel so darn *wierd*?

I cried on Martin again, came over all tearful out of the fear that the baby might know I'm feeling blue - somehow might decide it isn't wanted. I keep imagining I might cause it to miscarry, just as I'm starting to feel more like I want to be pregnant than like I don't! It's silly - I WANT a baby, I LOVE this baby, I just don't feel ready, probably because the "plan" was to start trying in three months or more. It's still helping that people aren't being negative, that other people are happy and excited for us. Some of that is rubbing off. HA and of course I started looking at slings again, which is fatal.

I walked through the park on my way home from befriending, feeling somehow lighter of step in spite of those vague feelings of unhappiness. I spent some time in fresh amazement staring up into the strong branches of an oak tree, remembering a picture I painted of myself when pregnant with Morgan reaching out to borrow strength from the trees (representing my birth partners). The trees were very beautiful today.

Something of the heart is lost in even the most stunning photograph of a tree, I think, and something of the intricacy is impossible to capture in painting. But perhaps in spite of that something sweeping and abstract is more my mood today - pensive and breezy at the same time. Every leaf on that tree is complex though, fractal almost, perfect in its own right no matter how closely you look. It's almost an insult to describe it as "green". It made me feel alive.

Maybe there's a pregnancy symptom to report finally as well - I've been really light-headed today a few times. This is usually a problem for me much later in pregnancy so I've been reading around to see if I should worry. I can't decide if I've been doing anything that might have caused it but I made myself a big fresh salad with dark green leaves and avocado and red pepper, and now I'm trying to think of lots of other reasons why I shouldn't be back on iron tablets again. ;)

Night-weaning thoughts and fears

Happy Birthday Tristan (one today!!) and how fast this year has gone. I remember so desperately wanting to go to Naomi that morning, fiercely protective of that nursing couple under seige. What a long time ago, and how much he has grown. Naomi, I'm so proud of your mothering and your strength. What a celebration, victory in face of so much that could have been taken from you. :)

We're having calm days here, and I am REALLY looking forward to next week because I can order some parenting books from Amazon that I've wanted to read for ages. My library increases (if you want to borrow anything, get in touch lol). I had a funny conversation with my middle brother yesterday, told him that as sad as I am to be too far away to really interfer when he has children I'm not too far away to send AP books and slings. When I suggested that I could send cloth nappies too he was very enthusiastic!

Morgan is asleep on my lap as I write today, she has developed a habit of coming up whenever I'm on the computer. I think she feels left out, but all she wants is to bang on the keys and giggle at it, and when I refuse she throws herself on the floor. End result, I end up nursing her to sleep on my lap every single time I come on. Jenna hates it even more, because me having Morgan asleep on me AND typing away is even greater likelihood that she'll have to wait for anything she might want.

Dog-sitting is still enjoyable, the nice long walks to the park seem to be tiring out my little people, and it's somehow much friendlier coming home to someone who bounces everywhere and brings us toys out of the joy of seeing me again! It's a pity it isn't really practical keeping a dog with chickens (which we are still waiting for). My tired children are meaning I'm getting plenty of sleep though.

I toyed with the idea of starting to put Morgan in her own room - or in Jenna's - last night. I keep saying it's time to start seeing how she would respond to night weaning, but I don't think I'm commited enough to it. I don't actually want to stop co-sleeping or occasionally nursing her (even the nights when she hardly sleeps).

It seems unfair to limit or prematurely force her to something because of what might happen in the future. Perhaps I will need to wean her from my bed or keep co-sleeping but stop her from feeding at night, but perhaps she will do it herself in the next seven months and I'd be denying her the chance to do it gently. For now, I think I have to trust her and let her do things her way, and cross that difficult bridge if and when we come to it.

Some happier thoughts about the pregnancy

I had such a great conversation last night, really wonderfully encouraging. A friend called, one of those away at university, and was delighted at our baby news. She is training to be a doctor and has just been out with the community midwives as a counterpoint to the emergancy and other hospital births she attended recently. So she was full of the wonder of the female body and positivity about birth. This friend is totally my favorite doctor, she has a really refreshing attitude of trust towards people and their innate knowledge of what their bodies are doing.

And she believes in birth. For saying that her job is the things that can go wrong, she is a very good person to talk to about natural birth because she can seperate the two and it hasn't turned to FEAR of the things that can go wrong. She was even laughing at the idea of late scanning to check position for home birth and declaring that she would be confident about a breech baby being born safely at home if there were no other complicating factors.

That and still reading lots of birth stories, I'm really fired up about actually having this baby. I can't entirely get rid of the feeling that I'm going to struggle or that having another bad pregnancy would be impossible with these two children here... But I'm definately coming to terms with the idea of the end result, that I'll go into labour and birth another baby and once it's here I won't be able to imagine otherwise. Oh, and I'm also irresistably drawn to looking at slings again - I've decided that I need another Mei Tai or an Onbuhimo, and maybe another woven wrap, so that I can easily keep slinging Morgan too. Or course should it be twins my list will be longer, another two woven wraps (one Didy one GMBB), another stretch, maybe a Mei Tai too...

To speak or not to speak...

Last night was pretty hard, as our elder house guest decided to go out leaving us to put the itty one to bed. Poor baby, she just wanted her mum (she isn't that much younger than Jenna but that doesn't lessen the feelings) and she cried and cried with my holding her. I massaged her before bed - she has very dry skin - and then sang to her until she fell asleep. A half hour later she was awake and crying for her mum again. Yet again I'd been told to leave her to cry, which I've refused to do when we've cared for her occasionally from tiny. I went in, followed by Jenna who said she couldn't go to sleep with her friend being sad. In the end we tucked them up together and there was silence. Much later we put them in seperate beds again.

When her mum got home we heard her start to cry again and Jenna getting up to her. We had a bit of a terse exchange.Other parent: She needs to learn that I won't go to her.Me: Why? She's genuinely upset! She's just learning that you only meet her needs when it's convenient.Other: It's not about her being convenient. She knows I've NEVER gone to her at night.Me: Great - so she knows you're choosing never to meet her needs at night.

The next time the other mum heard a cry she went right up there without a word. I don't think I actually had an impact as much as she didn't want to discuss it again. Probably I wouldn't have said so much if it wasn't for the feeling of being put upon and for the offence that my children were having to suffer because of her desire not to parent her child any more than she felt like. It's hard to blame her for this - it's a cycle of perpetuating the rejection she's felt herself - but I wasn't going to let Jenna do her job for her.

Anyhow, everyone is gone now. It's wierd, because I'm sad to see them go even though they turn up unexpectedly and never tell me how long for (or how many meals they're eating with us or eating out!). The little one is such a love, such a pleasant child to be around. She can be oppositional (what nearly three isn't?) but she always seemed shocked into doing what I say because I just don't argue with her or get angry. She can be very gentle and loving, and she just craves to be touched and talked to. The problem is that the mum needs the same level of parenting and she's my age.

I have worried about writing this entry - because I don't want to sound dismissive or superior in my attitude to this friend. She needs a lot of support and I'm more than willing to give it, when it doesn't cause problems within my own family. It's that balance though, how to give someone outside the family what they need without taking from what my own children need. I don't want to have to choose! But here we are and there it is.

When they left Jenna wanted to follow them. She went and stood outside in her dressing up shoes (pink and glittery) and stomped her foot. She said, in a very teenage tone, "I'm GOING, it's not FAIR. I WANT to GO with THEM. [stomp]" I said, "Come back in here this minute, you're not going anywhere in those shoes." You know those moments of total premonition when you can see what's coming in the teenage years? LOL

After the house was empty we had a bit of a shouty afternoon. There has been some degree of tension this weekend, and Jenna was tired after her late night. It came to a head when Jenna refused to help me tidy up and I said she could choose to pick something up or go for her nap right away. She screamed at me, can't even remember what it was she said, but I snapped and screamed back at her to GET UPSTAIRS THIS SECOND NOW!

She did, muttering all the way about "don't know why you won't let me stay downstairs, don't know why I have to do this, it's not fair, you don't like me, I'm not your friend, mutter mutter". I followed her to say sorry, and discovered her in the bathroom climbing the shelves to get my (totally unused) makeup box. She was deposited in bed and told to be quiet until I declared nap time over.

After that, feeling that I'd inexcusably lost my temper and worrying about the baby again, I called Martin and cried down the phone about not coping and not wanting to be like this. Morgan had looked so shocked at me shouting, feeding with a look of not wanting to close her eyes in case I morphed into nasty mummy again. I couldn't bear for it still to be so tense around here when the newborn baby arrives. What kind of home life is that, with me spending half the day screaming and fighting my impulse to smack Jenna?

When Martin got home I sent him and Jenna to buy chips, as we're almost out of food and had neither bread nor potatoes and hardly any vegetables. He recounted his first experience of a really difficult conversation to have in public with a child.

Jenna: What's that?
Martin: On the stick over there? Doner meat.
Jenna: What has it got in it?
Martin: Lots of different kinds of meat.
Jenna: Pig?
Martin: Yup, probably pig.
Jenna: Cow?
Martin: I guess so, probably cow too.
Jenna: Donkey?

Anyway, I'm rushing to the toilet constantly which is unhelpful with Morgan dozing on me this evening. Also I have the return of the simultaneous spotty/dry skin, which is fun. I gave in and bought a face mask (Crash Course in Skincare from Lush which is one of the few that doesn't irritate my skin further) - and as for finding something I can use as a moisturiser on my dry and inflamed eyelids... :( Moisturisers sting (too much water content) so it's the massage bars that are prooving best bet. All of this trivial but nevertheless frustrating!

Dealing close hand with other people's discipline

We have guests, and I'm struggling. The mum involved keeps smacking her little girl and it's upsetting Jenna a lot, I really don't know what to do about it. Earlier the girls all found some glitter in a drawer and tipped it out; I told Jenna I didn't care whose fault it was we were all going to clear up anyway - she helped me and said that she was sorry for making a mess and could we get the glitter out another time to make things downstairs? When the other little girl admitted that she had played in the glitter and also she was sorry, she got a smack. I can't help but think that surely that's an incentive to lie!

We usually take the tack that it doesn't matter who actually made the mess. It stops everyone handing out blame and denying their involvement, and takes away the fear of being singled out for a talking to. Even if I see something get spilled I'll just ask whoever is nearest to help me fetch a towel and clear up, no fault no blame. Jenna fetches a nappy when she thinks Morgan is going to wee on the floor. Morgan rubs up a juice spill with me when Jenna threw a cup on the floor because she was cross. We fix the immediate physical problem first and deal with the emotional reason when it's already sorted out and I don't have the puddle of milk or glue reminding me that something is ruined or lost and making me feel like someone ought to be really sorry.

What I want Jenna to learn about things that she does and shouldn't have isn't that it is BAD. Sometimes it's obvious that something was deliberate but rarely, and also her intent may have been to find something out, see how I would react, test my love for her, or underline how hurt she was. Making her feel bad about it won't magically turn her into a good person, given that I feel bad about yelling and threatening and it doesn't stop me from doing it unless I have a replacement activity for those situations! In fact the more guilty I feel the more likely I am to plough ahead anyway.

I want her to learn that whether she did something on purpose or not it can be fixed. I want her to learn that saying sorry is secondary to acting sorry, and that making up for what happened isn't a moral weight it's just what we do. If someone is sad we comfort them, before we tend to our own reasons for taking the toy or snatching the snack. If someone has lost something we help them find it before we reason about whether putting things away properly was their job or ours. Help first, disect feelings later.

I want her to learn, in a bigger sense, that she can put the past behind her - that nothing is big enough to make me see her as a bad *person*. And I want her to, in the most trivial way, think about her actions before she does them not because she's scared I might scream at her but because she knows that she will have to deal with the literal physical aftermath.

Anyhow, I can't put that into a simple sentence that isn't confrontational or moralistic or both. So I'm going to try to just reassure Jenna that I'm still going to be gentle with her - and try also to strengthen her lovely impulse to comfort her crying friend and remind her that hands are also for healing and caring.

No idea how to react!!

We are telling people already, mostly because I need people to bounce feelings off and I'm not quite sure how to feel yet. We waited until Martin got home to tell Jenna, who bounced around the living room saying, "YAY YAY YAY YAY!!" When we called the In Laws, Martin started with saying that we have news and Jenna burst in with, "MUMMY HAS A BABY IN HER TUMMY!" Three year olds can't keep secrets. My own mum was really pleased for us, and said that I'd "take another one in my stride, " and called me a "confident capable mother".

Last night I was sitting with Martin and talking through my worries about this pregnancy - mostly to do with Morgan. I'm terrified that she might wean and I really don't want her to stop before she's ready. I'm worried that she might not be walking often enough to make slinging two viable. I'm worried that she might still be co-sleeping and night nursing and that I won't be able to meet her needs with a newborn as well. I'm worried that if Morgan weans she might still be night waking and I won't have another way to settle her. I'm worried that my tiredness and worry will lead to my temper getting worse and that gentle discipline will go out of the window. I'm worried about prooving people right (ie that I'm crazy) and about failing.

Worst of all I know that eight months is plenty of time for things to change and that 22 months isn't really so tiny - and that I'm probably making myself a nervous wreck for nothing and comparitively I have nothing to complain about!

Added to that is the sudden realisation - just today - that I really could miscarry. With the concerns and hopes at the back of my mind now thanks to everyone reacting so well and being so happy for us, I feel like I couldn't bear to lose this one. This isn't the same as being totally delighted to be pregnant - yet. I'm delighted with the idea of a baby, and I already feel that tug of a bond with it, but I don't actually really want to be pregnant. Silly but true. I'm sure plenty of people go through this but that doesn't make it easier.

I've spent practically the entire day reading about tandem nursing, about sleepless toddlers, about babywearing two children of different ages. It's often reassuring, usually helpful, and makes me feel like I'm doing something. The best thing has been going back to reading birth stories again, especially the natural birth ones at home and hospital, and even some from the point of view of the Dad. It makes me want to get on at Martin to write birth stories for the girls (if he can remember anything other than wanting to fix it for me!)

Jenna is still telling everyone and bouncing.

I told you so! Argh and also yay and also argh again!

The tests came, I took one upstairs right away telling Jenna that I was fetching washing and needed her to stay down here so I could carry the basket down without tripping over her. The excuse was true, but when I realised that it would leave me alone in the bathroom I took the tests up with me. Nothing. One control line but nothing else, after a minute. Since it said to leave for four minutes I came back down and called Emma for a chat about babysitting next week. It was a short chat, the phone said three minutes, so I went back up to stare at the test.

And there it was, a faint line. So I'm pregnant.

We waited until tonight to tell Jenna together and I can't believe how happy she was. That really brought it home, that it was real, a real baby that I could be delighted to hold. I can't wait to breastfeed a tiny again, to sling it (to get out the Diana!!) and to be a mother for the third time. Maybe another girl, getting out all the perfect little girl clothes I remember so fondly. Maybe a boy, a new experience again. By my best guess I should be due mid-October.

I still have a lot of worries. Chief amongst these is that Morgan might wean. I want to tandem nurse, would HATE the idea of her stopping so soon. I'm also worried about slinging two and sleeping with two. I can see more ways to work that though, more ways in which things will change in the short time eight months represents. More chance that Morgan will move towards being able to share me in those ways. But the idea of giving up comforting her with the milk my body provides and the skin to skin that goes with that, I can't even think about it.

Oh but a baby. A newborn and perfect baby, mine, ours.

I just know it, I just know it, I just know it

I swallowed my nerves yesterday and told Martin what I was feeling at the time was bad news. I really needed him to just be accepting of it and of me, and he exceeded that by a mile. I should never have had such little faith in him; as a friend told me last night, "He loves you, that's all that matters!" I had hinted that I felt like I might be pregnant even though it was impossible (!) and he had been a bit, well, dismissive. And said things like, "We're not ready." But last night he called me silly admitting to my worries and told me that he would be over the moon if we were going to have another baby.

Somehow that gave me permission to admit to myself how sure I am. I still have no symptoms apart from one area of charting, that this month CM didn't slow after ovulation (hang on in here those who don't chart, don't understand charting, or just don't want the information overload about my bodily functions!) That's it, no sickness or anything. I feel a bit full of milk and tender, but that could just be that Morgan has increased feeds a bit (I don't know if I'd notice if she had lol, I still don't time or limit her).

I wanted to trust myself and trust my body this time, and not resort to testing... But I still feel like I can't tell anyone, especially get booked in with the midwife in a few weeks, without doing one. So at least for the sake of planning, I have some coming from ebay and I'll test when they arrive (hopefully today).

Abstract learning and long walks for little legs

Today Jenna saw a picture of some men falling off a boat - her response was, "I hope it isn't warm water, or there might be a crocodile." Another example of something that she has learnt from only one telling and no explicit teaching, after asking about what lives in the local river. I am so astounded with that kind of critical thinking, it just goes against what I still feel small children are capable. Maybe by the time Morgan is three I'll have a little more grasp of how incredible they are, how wise and thoughtful and interested and knowledgable. I guess I'll underestimate her in much the same way from time to time.

We just took em-dog for a walk, we're looking after her for my mum which is something we couldn't have done if the chickens were already installed. At least we finally know the reason for that; too much interest from fans of Jamie Oliver! When I told mum about it Jenna piped up with the information that, "Jamie Oliver is a cooker." She likes the Jamie at Home stuff, assimilating stuff about gardening and food crops that would never have interested her had it been me talking. Anyway, all one big aside.

The point is, Morgan walked all the way. Anyone who tried to assist her was flapped off and jabbered crossly at. She was going to do it herself and she was not going to ask for help or allow the indignity of being carried. She was just so determined! We had great fun, with her little blond head bobbing in and out of passageways and gates with Jenna in persuit nagging her not to get lost. The cold air should certainly mean they are ready for bed early tonight.

La Leche League and lots more good stuff (more moaning about sleep though too)

I'm starting to feel like this is turning into one long sleep diary. I compulsively record whether or not I feel tired, how much resentment I'm feeling about night feeding, how long I think she's sleeping for. I'm obsessed! I can't see how it's very helpful for me or for her, and I don't intend to stop the "on demand" part of anything (though even that phrase seems just a set-up for adversarial thinking).

But somehow counting the days, slept, not slept, make me feel like I'm in control - by listing them off I can see that things are changing and I'm not going to feel like this forever! We had two awful hourly nights again, for the record. But last night she slept through. :)
Coupled always with, "did she sleep?" is the mental question "did she eat much yesterday?"

She's definately eating a lot more than she was - her shape is changing and she has lovely little babyfat cheeks finally. Her legs are toddler legs now, and her whole body looks less like a baby every day. I love the toddler stage, even the tantrums I can see as such a good thing - and right now it IS a healthy way for her to express her feelings to me, she can't exactly put words to it herself yet.

I'm loving her strength and capability, seeing things I didn't the first time out of blindness rather than because they aren't there. I wonder how many other parents deny what their children can do is "real" or "deliberate" because the books say it develops later? And it's much easier to accept her smallness and fragility too, because I can see between her and Jenna how much further she has to go and how in the scheme of things she can't have too much demanded of her. As much of it is the shift in my perceptions as it is the experience of already having been here with a different little person. I'm owning for myself the knowledge I had from other parents. It's exciting!

A really strange turn of events is that EC seems to be working again a bit, we had three catches today when she communicated clearly that she wanted to go and was worried about doing so on the floor, and I took her to the toilet. It feels like less that she took a break from awareness but more from communicating it. I'm not thinking, "Oh, great, no more nappies!" But if she wants to start using the toilet instead then I won't say she's too small or otherwise hold her back until the proper age.

I went to my first LLL meeting today too, and strangely felt like I couldn't say the words, "I'm pregnant" or even "I think I'm pregnant". It seemed ludicrous to say the words, to let other people believe it, when I hadn't tested. I had so many questions too. The meeting was great though, and it was amazing to be in a place where I'm not the hippy one and in fact am barely amongst the most radical half of the group! There were slings there, and non-vaccinating families, and tandem nursers, and people I felt at home with right away without feeling any desire to apologise for nursing a 14mo in front of them!

Doing good, feeling good

This week of sleep is getting better and better. I've had anything up to six hours a night so can this finally be our return to one-or-none night feeding? I'm still utterly unable to tell if it's linked to food or not but she does seem to be eating more again. I suppose this is a good juncture to talk about baby led weaning again and how well that has gone for us.

Food is just not even a thought for us most of the time. We go out, we eat in restaurants, she eats what we eat and when we eat and we don't think about baby portions or mashing or spoon feeding her or anything. She has made her own intruduction to food at her own rate and has always eaten adult foods. I can't describe how liberating it is to just feed a baby off my own plate from the start. It seems so obvious now.

The only way in which we revert to the way I did things before is to give Morgan apple puree - as a dessert - because it's yummy and because I eat it rather than any other reason! We also buy some expensive but lovely biodynamically grown rhubarb and apple pots, because I can't help myself and they're less naughty than chocolate. :)

I'm sometimes feeling a bit overwhelmed still, and at those times I think the nagging feeling that I'm pregnant is total paranoia and a symptom of feeling like I'm not really coping with these two. But then other days (or hours) it's amazing and there's no conflict and we resolve our differences of opinion calmly and democratically, and I love having children... And those times I think it's wishful thinking and I'm just subconciously hoping that I'm pregnant. But the feeling won't go away, and it's way to early to know and I have absolutely not a trace of suspicious symptoms and we have been really careful in spite of a chart that's all over the place.

Martin sent a lovely text earlier that went a long way to soothing my nerves. I told him that I'm sick of getting funny looks for Morgan screaming the whole time she's in the sling because she wants to wander off. He said, "What do they know - you're a great mother. I'm proud of you."

Potty learning again already?

I'm still pretty tired, though I've been getting four hours more regularly. But I'm also on a real food kick, thanks to the little bit of extra sleep (and extra energy) - all making pasta and bread and soup and such things. I'd love to be in the position of just not buying anything pre-made, but that still seems like a big step. It would be great to stop buying stuff I know I can make though!

Morgan just asked me to change her nappy, her first EC action in months. She was squirming and asking for up and then down again so I offered her milk. She shook her head at me, gave me a funny look and pointed at her nappy. It was as if she was saying, "silly Mummy, down HERE!"

Anyhow once I cleaned her she leant over and gave me a kiss, proper pursed lips (which she only started doing yesterday) and I can't believe all of a sudden that she's so big. Time to buy a potty and show her how to sit on it - she's walking and cares when she's dirty and hopefully she'll like the idea as much as Jenna did. I think Jenna was 15 months when she started wanting to be naked and took herself to the potty for wees. :)

No sleep but lots of sibling love

Morgan's sleep has suddenly dipped, and she is waking for an hour then sleeping for an hour - all night long. I'm feeling really ragged and conflicted, and talking a lot about what I could do to fix it although I know deep down it is just part of her journey to interdependacy. I can't stop feeling like I must have caused it by meeting her need to co-sleep. But when I tried to change that pattern and have her sleep in her own room her sleep got worse, so unless I'm converting to sleep training there is no way out. The bottom line seems to be, this is her need. Do I meet it at cost to myself, or do I ignore it at cost to her?

She and Jenna are sharing and playing so sweetly together all the time at the moment. They do have little spats, mostly Jenna being too rough when she tickles or hugs. Sometimes Morgan lashing out with a hand when she doesn't want to play any more or when Jenna tries to take something from her. But they are so affectionate to each other I feel really left out! When things get heated and I separate them to play with different toys and get some space from each other they both seem to take it as a punishment. They sit opposite sides of the room or other sides of the baby gate and cry for each other.

Jenna went for a walk with my mum today and Morgan was really unhappy to be left behind. She cried at the door for a while, calling for "Jaya" and banging. After a while she would let me feed her and we had a cuddle but she just kept pointing at the door and saying her sister's name. She points a lot to say what she wants, it's fabulously funny. When she wants to ask permission to have something she points at the object and then to herself.

She wanted Martin's sandwich the other day and her little hand went, sandwich-Morgan, sandwich-Morgan, MORGAN. Her face just said pleeeeeeease!

When we finally left the room today to go to the bathroom she marched right on into Jenna's bedroom and pulled back the covers. Perhaps she hoped that Jenna was only upstairs taking a nap? Anyway after that she knew that her sister wasn't in the house so she just brought me the sling and gestured to the door until Jen got back.