Morgan just wants to be down ALL the time now, forget on public transport, it's everywhere. In town she insists on coming out of the carrier but she will absolutely not come the way we're going and she throws herself on the floor and screams with rage if I try to direct, lead, coerce or persuade her. If the reins go on she will throw herself around until I remove them - putting her back in the sling doesn't help, standing her up doesn't help, it's freedom or nothing.
I'm finding it really hard, and also really hard to not make a big deal about it. I'm very aware that I use the words stubborn, willful, determined, independant, about Morgan much more than about Jenna - and much more perhaps than I should do. She is all of those things, but in a normal quantity for a secure and happy baby with loving people around her all of her time. It's unfair for me to turn them into characteristics when they're just habits, if you see what I mean.
The other problem with her walking, apart from those outbursts at not being allowed to walk freely wherever she wants, is the matter of shoes. She has been walking confidently for long enough for her to get walking shoes, but nowhere makes them in her size (just below a 2). In fact, Clarks don't even make crawling shoes in her size. If they did I wouldn't buy the dratted things, I don't support the idea of selling shoes for babies who are best in socks in the first place. If they acknowledge, and they do, that shoes are harmful for babies whose feet have not had time to spread through unaided walking, then why do they sell the things? A case of, "not fit for purpose" if ever I saw one. Clarks' walking shoes start in a 4!
She is being protected when playing out of doors just by the little fabric booties and leather sockies (eg Starchild, Inch Blue, Robeez, Daisy Roots) that she has been in for a while. It's not ideal for concrete and so on but I want her to be fitted properly for appropriate shoes and that isn't an option until she starts to fit Startright's size 3.
I have worked out a big puzzle today. Jenna was waving a magnet around (yes I know, she's still allowed them) and she found that it stuck to the radiator as she did so. So she tried some other things, yes it sticks, no it doesn't, what about the TV? I stopped her just in time, reminded her what happened last time. But she seemed really not to have thought about it at all, she was just trying, in full experimental small child mode. Her brain wasn't clicked to finding an answer yet, she was still in the messing about stage. I'm sure of myself that if she had touched the TV she would have made some pretty patterns again AND NOT REALISED until it was too late that it wasn't a result she wanted.
I have to learn to assign positive intent a bit more. The more I watch her closely when we talk the more convinced I am that her reasonning is rarely like mine. Sometimes I expect her thinking to be too adult, because her behaviour can be and because she talks like a little adult a lot of the time. She came close to breaking the TV again (which slowly recovered from the first time) and we learnt more about each other than before, when I yelled and she cried.
28 January 2008
27 January 2008
Balance restored
I did an hour and a half of yoga class today, with my mum and a whole load of women of all ages and figures who had one thing in common: they had all done months of classes leading up to that one!
I felt really rubbish to start with, the only one who couldn't hold downward facing dog for more than four breaths, the only one who couldn't even get from plank (like a press up) to crocodile (lying face down with hands close to chest and elbows up) properly (ie without flopping down onto the floor). After a while I could see that not everyone could do everything and that although I lack strength in my wrists and arms, I can do other balances and poses that many of the experienced and beautiful were finding a lot more challenging.
After yoga (and retrieving Morgan from Martin whom she had been persecuting in the cafe for a while) we went swimming. Morgan did so well! We did some baby swimming when she was small, and practiced breath-holding in the bath, but this time she was fighting to get out of my arms and making swimming motions with an expression like, "why won't you let me have a go?" So I warned her that she was going to dive (our cue word for water on her face) and let go, and she swam underwater to Martin. After that we let her hold on and let go more or less as she wanted to, and she spent a while toddling around in the shallows too. She would fall over, and right herself to stand up without a fuss or a splutter - under the water the whole time.
Trusting her was the most nervewracking thing I have ever experienced, seeing her submerged (face concentrating hard on rolling herself back over and keeping her mouth shut at the same time!)... I had seen videos of babies in the water before and not really believed it. Chalk up another thing to her determination and faith in her own ability; I can't imagine ever having let Jenna try it but Morgan knew and she told me.
I am every day impressed with how she communicates. I can't always say how I know what she wants but her expression tells me or something in the way she is looking uncomfortable. It's so good.
I'm also feeling happy because I'm still getting some sleep, I think Morgan is probably waking once at the moment so I'm getting a few hours and then another few hours. It makes a big difference. Jenna is throwing some really wierd tantrums again and I can't figure out if there's something behind them apart from the immediate want and my (sometimes less than tactful) refusal. But I'm dealing with the outcome better and not yelling back.
We're having more calm days than shouty days, and I can see the difference in how she responds to me. She's more likely to stop when I ask her to and she's more likely to come to me for a cuddle than she was. I don't think she's ever going to go back to how cuddly she was when nursing though. She doesn't seek a lot of physical affection from me and she hasn't since Morgan was born, the baby gets all of the loves from her.
I felt really rubbish to start with, the only one who couldn't hold downward facing dog for more than four breaths, the only one who couldn't even get from plank (like a press up) to crocodile (lying face down with hands close to chest and elbows up) properly (ie without flopping down onto the floor). After a while I could see that not everyone could do everything and that although I lack strength in my wrists and arms, I can do other balances and poses that many of the experienced and beautiful were finding a lot more challenging.
After yoga (and retrieving Morgan from Martin whom she had been persecuting in the cafe for a while) we went swimming. Morgan did so well! We did some baby swimming when she was small, and practiced breath-holding in the bath, but this time she was fighting to get out of my arms and making swimming motions with an expression like, "why won't you let me have a go?" So I warned her that she was going to dive (our cue word for water on her face) and let go, and she swam underwater to Martin. After that we let her hold on and let go more or less as she wanted to, and she spent a while toddling around in the shallows too. She would fall over, and right herself to stand up without a fuss or a splutter - under the water the whole time.
Trusting her was the most nervewracking thing I have ever experienced, seeing her submerged (face concentrating hard on rolling herself back over and keeping her mouth shut at the same time!)... I had seen videos of babies in the water before and not really believed it. Chalk up another thing to her determination and faith in her own ability; I can't imagine ever having let Jenna try it but Morgan knew and she told me.
I am every day impressed with how she communicates. I can't always say how I know what she wants but her expression tells me or something in the way she is looking uncomfortable. It's so good.
I'm also feeling happy because I'm still getting some sleep, I think Morgan is probably waking once at the moment so I'm getting a few hours and then another few hours. It makes a big difference. Jenna is throwing some really wierd tantrums again and I can't figure out if there's something behind them apart from the immediate want and my (sometimes less than tactful) refusal. But I'm dealing with the outcome better and not yelling back.
We're having more calm days than shouty days, and I can see the difference in how she responds to me. She's more likely to stop when I ask her to and she's more likely to come to me for a cuddle than she was. I don't think she's ever going to go back to how cuddly she was when nursing though. She doesn't seek a lot of physical affection from me and she hasn't since Morgan was born, the baby gets all of the loves from her.
26 January 2008
Recipe for body contentment required
We're still really busy and really well. Happy and healthy and feeling very blessed to have each other. I'm finding that when I start to feel low about anything I get more impatient and whiney with the girls, so they react in kind and I can make the whole day go badly. If I'm in a sunny mood then little things don't get to me and we do fine, I can bypass little downswings in their moods and it's all fine. I can't be just a little bit low or a little bit high, it's all or nothing. I've been like that as long as I can remember.
Occasionally I start to think that I'm actually still depressed, but then I have the memories of how bad things were than and I know that really this is nothing. I dare not talk to anyone professional though, I'm so certain I'd either be told to stop wasting their time or I'd be informed that it's my lifestyle that's draining me and I should stop co-sleeping or breastfeeding or babywearing or something like that!
My body image seems to go up and down at the moment too. Some days the wobbly stomach bothers me, at other times I feel so beautiful and womanly and I love the marks my children have left on my skin, like tatoos of their names and stories. When I really feel like I'm ugly and awful there are two things that help.
Doing some yoga or dance makes me feel like I'm caring for myself, and it also gives me that sense of balance - awareness of my body, my position, the way I move through space and my time and place here on the earth. But the best medecine of all is other women, and their beauty. I can look at someone with the same statistics as me and think that they look slim and curvaceous and gorgeous. I can look at women twice my size with more saggy bits and more stretch marks and see how perfect they are. In turn I feel that bit more lucky to be a woman, that bit more content to be just the woman I am.
Failing all that, there is Green&Blacks. Don't let me try to convince you otherwise.
Occasionally I start to think that I'm actually still depressed, but then I have the memories of how bad things were than and I know that really this is nothing. I dare not talk to anyone professional though, I'm so certain I'd either be told to stop wasting their time or I'd be informed that it's my lifestyle that's draining me and I should stop co-sleeping or breastfeeding or babywearing or something like that!
My body image seems to go up and down at the moment too. Some days the wobbly stomach bothers me, at other times I feel so beautiful and womanly and I love the marks my children have left on my skin, like tatoos of their names and stories. When I really feel like I'm ugly and awful there are two things that help.
Doing some yoga or dance makes me feel like I'm caring for myself, and it also gives me that sense of balance - awareness of my body, my position, the way I move through space and my time and place here on the earth. But the best medecine of all is other women, and their beauty. I can look at someone with the same statistics as me and think that they look slim and curvaceous and gorgeous. I can look at women twice my size with more saggy bits and more stretch marks and see how perfect they are. In turn I feel that bit more lucky to be a woman, that bit more content to be just the woman I am.
Failing all that, there is Green&Blacks. Don't let me try to convince you otherwise.
19 January 2008
Fresh air, routines, and horrible bus journeys
Our weekly rhythms are getting more, well, formal I suppose. We seem to be up at a regular time, snacking napping and going out at regular times. The internal pattern of our days is working so well, and the flow of our week as activities come and go from the magnetic weekly chart, it all makes a kind of sense. Different every day but not in the most important thing - and although Morgan is really still breastfed totally on demand we have what I hate to call a timed schedule! Our habits have just fallen like this, without intent or plan, and against my personal inclination. I don't feel tied to the clock though, so it's all... Working. Not what I ever thought I would find myself writing in this or any life time.
Getting out every day is essential for me. I just feel so much calmer with them when we're out, and they listen to me more sharply through necessity when there is more going on. The fresh air matters too, all the more for not having much use of the garden yet. When we have a planned day of quiet around the house we have to break it up with a trip to the park across the way (still bereft of swings but not without trees) or a walk to the corner shop for milk or potatoes or similar. It seems very orderly - very what I read about other people and not ever to date about myself!
One thing Morgan is being really trying with is the bus journeys that are part of almost every day. She hates to be still right now, and always wants to explore everywhere properly. That includes busses and she will squirm, cry, try to pull herself out of the sling, cling to bars as we pass them, scratch and hit me, shout no no no no no NO, point at the floor and look cross at me, try to take my clothes off, anything to get me to release her to play.
Before it was enough if the bus was moving and she could see stuff but not any more. The only thing for it is to nurse her, big old baby that she is (including that lovely habit of turning around to loud noises exposing me to the world). Either that or put up with the screams all the way (and endure bruises and funny looks along with it) - it kind of makes a mockery of my "buggy free zone" badge on the change bag. In fact I'm tempted to remove it out of shame. I'm pretty certain that she'd be just as keen to be out and playing if I tried to take the buggy into town.
She's finding things so frustrating, everything is set up to stop her from trying all the things she wants to try and doing all the great fun things she's sure she can do. Life is not very friendly to small toddlers. The only way I can think of making it easier on her is to walk into town every time but that's pretty tiring for Jenna's little legs. It's just not fair. She also thinks that teeth are not very fair - she has three and they hurt her. She is quite clear about what she wants me to do, take the owie away. She even points and gives me those expressive baby eyes.
Oh and Jenna magnetised the TV yesterday, fascinated by the lovely colours it turned. She told Martin when he got home, "I made a rainbow on the telly but Mummy didn't like it!"
Getting out every day is essential for me. I just feel so much calmer with them when we're out, and they listen to me more sharply through necessity when there is more going on. The fresh air matters too, all the more for not having much use of the garden yet. When we have a planned day of quiet around the house we have to break it up with a trip to the park across the way (still bereft of swings but not without trees) or a walk to the corner shop for milk or potatoes or similar. It seems very orderly - very what I read about other people and not ever to date about myself!
One thing Morgan is being really trying with is the bus journeys that are part of almost every day. She hates to be still right now, and always wants to explore everywhere properly. That includes busses and she will squirm, cry, try to pull herself out of the sling, cling to bars as we pass them, scratch and hit me, shout no no no no no NO, point at the floor and look cross at me, try to take my clothes off, anything to get me to release her to play.
Before it was enough if the bus was moving and she could see stuff but not any more. The only thing for it is to nurse her, big old baby that she is (including that lovely habit of turning around to loud noises exposing me to the world). Either that or put up with the screams all the way (and endure bruises and funny looks along with it) - it kind of makes a mockery of my "buggy free zone" badge on the change bag. In fact I'm tempted to remove it out of shame. I'm pretty certain that she'd be just as keen to be out and playing if I tried to take the buggy into town.
She's finding things so frustrating, everything is set up to stop her from trying all the things she wants to try and doing all the great fun things she's sure she can do. Life is not very friendly to small toddlers. The only way I can think of making it easier on her is to walk into town every time but that's pretty tiring for Jenna's little legs. It's just not fair. She also thinks that teeth are not very fair - she has three and they hurt her. She is quite clear about what she wants me to do, take the owie away. She even points and gives me those expressive baby eyes.
Oh and Jenna magnetised the TV yesterday, fascinated by the lovely colours it turned. She told Martin when he got home, "I made a rainbow on the telly but Mummy didn't like it!"
17 January 2008
A pill for every ill, and some sewing days
I've been a bit headachey recently, I don't think I'm drinking enough water. There's a holistic tip for you, if you're feeling rubbish then drink some water and wait a bit before you start getting painkillers out! I'm shouting at the telly on this matter quite a bit. Society has a pill for everything. Not sleeping enough? Got wind? Stressed? Sad? Feeling bloated? Eaten too much? Life too busy? Hangover? Achey? God forbid we actually live with the consequences of the stuff we shouldn't have done just once in a while. Here's my pill - Simplify, rest, drink more water and stop eating junk. I can do those things with two children, though admittedly I wouldn't mind being able to do them all a little more. ;)
We've been fabric painting and printing today. Making some new clothes and decorating the cloth bag Jenna had for Christmas. She's done a gorgeous job of it - one side has recognisable pictures of several wild animals with faces of all her family (Morgan is in a sling lol) and the other side is a tree. It has apples, leaves, a monkey and a squirrel. :) Jenna has really exploded in creativity, she does lovely watercolours with her little grown up paints and wet paper, I can often tell what it is these days although sometimes she just loves to talk about the colours "like lots of fires mixing around and around" she says about the reds and yellows.
I've been getting the sewing machine out too, making my amature clothes for them. Morgan has a new pair of dungarees, as cute as can be in lilac tartan. I'm pretty proud of them, as they look "finished" and not too home-made. When I do get to say that I made them myself the reaction is occasionally even surprise, which is always gratifying in a petty sort of way. Jenna has a pair of cute little tartan trousers waiting to be hemmed. I wish I was better at sewing actually, wish my skills turned to perfection rather than ingenuity. As little as I can spend on patterns it's all very well being able to adapt the dratted things and re-size them beyond the capacities of the orignal design, but I do sometimes wish I could make something with totally even seams or completely matched fabric pattern!
We've been fabric painting and printing today. Making some new clothes and decorating the cloth bag Jenna had for Christmas. She's done a gorgeous job of it - one side has recognisable pictures of several wild animals with faces of all her family (Morgan is in a sling lol) and the other side is a tree. It has apples, leaves, a monkey and a squirrel. :) Jenna has really exploded in creativity, she does lovely watercolours with her little grown up paints and wet paper, I can often tell what it is these days although sometimes she just loves to talk about the colours "like lots of fires mixing around and around" she says about the reds and yellows.
I've been getting the sewing machine out too, making my amature clothes for them. Morgan has a new pair of dungarees, as cute as can be in lilac tartan. I'm pretty proud of them, as they look "finished" and not too home-made. When I do get to say that I made them myself the reaction is occasionally even surprise, which is always gratifying in a petty sort of way. Jenna has a pair of cute little tartan trousers waiting to be hemmed. I wish I was better at sewing actually, wish my skills turned to perfection rather than ingenuity. As little as I can spend on patterns it's all very well being able to adapt the dratted things and re-size them beyond the capacities of the orignal design, but I do sometimes wish I could make something with totally even seams or completely matched fabric pattern!
15 January 2008
Lessons for husbands
I tried to tell Martin that I'm broody today and he replied that it would be a really bad idea to have another baby now. Well thanks there Mr Sensitive. I wasn't saying I actually want one! But he had his fix-it hat on. We narrowly avoided rowing about it by me explaining that when I share my feelings with him I don't want to be talked out of it because I usually do actually know when I'm being irrational! He got it then, and we made up. All guys should have to be taught this at an early age; Do Not Try to Fix a Woman.
In spite of general sickness we've had a really good week. Jenna is so responsible at the moment and really doing well at listening to me. She's helping me tidy up more and playing so nicely with Morgan. I love seeing them together, I really do.
In spite of general sickness we've had a really good week. Jenna is so responsible at the moment and really doing well at listening to me. She's helping me tidy up more and playing so nicely with Morgan. I love seeing them together, I really do.
12 January 2008
Crying at naptimes and landfill bemusement
One thing that hasn't been easy with Jenna recently has been napping. We all get along so much better when she has had a nap, and she gets really tired and whiney in the afternoon, but she hates it. She has never liked being away from the rest of the family, it must seem like she's being excluded from something and I'm sure she's up there imagining all the fun things we do without her. In reality we tend to nap too, but it must be hard to nap away from us and think of all the time Morgan is getting with just me.
If I let her nap down here she just doesn't these days, she comes out and starts distracting Morgan from my planned hour long feed-and-rest. Usually it has been a case of putting her upstairs and putting her back in bed any time I hear pottering. Sometimes she screams and then I will ask her to tell me what's wrong in words, which she either does or doesn't depending on tiredness. If she keeps screaming then I say I'll be back in a moment and walk away to see if she's just after prolonging things with an audience. By the time I get downstairs she's asleep. If I get to the bottom of the stairs and she's still making noise we go back up and keep trying to settle her. It is not fun.
This last couple of months there has been much less fuss and carry on. It hasn't prooved worth it, since if she wants to she can express what's really the matter and if there's nothing the matter then it seems that mummy is still going downstairs and isn't going relent and let her come down to play. The first day it felt like I was using controlled crying but it didn't take long to realise that since I'm listening to her, giving her chance to express her feelings about it, explaining to a sometimes rational three year old why she needs to rest, and never ever leaving her if she's actually crying, I'm just making sure we all get the break we need. I don't want to train her to go for a nap without a fuss, I want to show her that she can and that if she can't I'm always there.
Anyhows, self-justification of discipline asides, the last two weeks she has been saying, "I'm tired, I think it's time for my nap." And going upstairs to put herself in bed. At the least she has been saying, "oh OK then" when I tell her it's time to go. She is so grown up and aware of herself, she really does understand her own tiredness signals. Yay!
Morgan is a bit sick and yicky though, poor baby. Thank goodness she recovers so much faster than everyone else (thank goodness for breastmilk). She had some really runny and leaky nappies and I was clearing up after her a lot. Eventually I dug out a years-old disposable and put it on her. An hour later she leaked out of that too so we went back to cloth - but her first disposable nappy!
Something on that subject disturbed me today a great deal. I saw an advert for Pampers that was claiming that purchases of their products have accounted for a marvelous 28 million free vaccinations given to children in the third world! Mixed feelings on that asides, 28 million packs of nappies from ONE BRAND in the time that the promotion has been on - that can only be a couple of months. Each pack has more than ten nappies! How many nappies is that, just of that brand, in landfill? I can't begin to calculate it but I'd guess that's a lot. Once, for fun, I calculated the volume of used nappies Jenna would have used to date (she was only little). It would have filled my living room twice over. That's really no joking matter, once I think about it a little harder.
If I let her nap down here she just doesn't these days, she comes out and starts distracting Morgan from my planned hour long feed-and-rest. Usually it has been a case of putting her upstairs and putting her back in bed any time I hear pottering. Sometimes she screams and then I will ask her to tell me what's wrong in words, which she either does or doesn't depending on tiredness. If she keeps screaming then I say I'll be back in a moment and walk away to see if she's just after prolonging things with an audience. By the time I get downstairs she's asleep. If I get to the bottom of the stairs and she's still making noise we go back up and keep trying to settle her. It is not fun.
This last couple of months there has been much less fuss and carry on. It hasn't prooved worth it, since if she wants to she can express what's really the matter and if there's nothing the matter then it seems that mummy is still going downstairs and isn't going relent and let her come down to play. The first day it felt like I was using controlled crying but it didn't take long to realise that since I'm listening to her, giving her chance to express her feelings about it, explaining to a sometimes rational three year old why she needs to rest, and never ever leaving her if she's actually crying, I'm just making sure we all get the break we need. I don't want to train her to go for a nap without a fuss, I want to show her that she can and that if she can't I'm always there.
Anyhows, self-justification of discipline asides, the last two weeks she has been saying, "I'm tired, I think it's time for my nap." And going upstairs to put herself in bed. At the least she has been saying, "oh OK then" when I tell her it's time to go. She is so grown up and aware of herself, she really does understand her own tiredness signals. Yay!
Morgan is a bit sick and yicky though, poor baby. Thank goodness she recovers so much faster than everyone else (thank goodness for breastmilk). She had some really runny and leaky nappies and I was clearing up after her a lot. Eventually I dug out a years-old disposable and put it on her. An hour later she leaked out of that too so we went back to cloth - but her first disposable nappy!
Something on that subject disturbed me today a great deal. I saw an advert for Pampers that was claiming that purchases of their products have accounted for a marvelous 28 million free vaccinations given to children in the third world! Mixed feelings on that asides, 28 million packs of nappies from ONE BRAND in the time that the promotion has been on - that can only be a couple of months. Each pack has more than ten nappies! How many nappies is that, just of that brand, in landfill? I can't begin to calculate it but I'd guess that's a lot. Once, for fun, I calculated the volume of used nappies Jenna would have used to date (she was only little). It would have filled my living room twice over. That's really no joking matter, once I think about it a little harder.
10 January 2008
Is my baby normal? ;-)
We've had Naomi and Tris with us today, they stayed last night after getting fed up at home. I love having an open house, it was so much a part of how I grew up. I don't think most people have a concept of it, that our doors are just open and we have people to stay when they need it. Emma and Chris might drop in on their way somewhere and stay over without notice, it's not a hassle or a trial and it isn't rude. That's how my house should be! The only guests we resent are guests that expect us to do for them without asking things that they would usually do for themselves. We don't wash people's clothes if they leave them in a heap - but we would if they asked. We don't babysit children unless it has been arranged more than an hour before the parent walks out. You get the picture.
All these people add to our lives, and all they take is food that we can spare and space that we can spare. The girls love to have someone here, a bit of novelty and especially if there's a child. Jenna was so delighted to find Tristan here - more babies. She can never have too many babies around.
Tristan wasn't sure about being here though, just like Morgan he cries at strange men. Martin was in the "strange" bracket. Poor dear sweet man he isn't used to being seen as a threat - babies and children of all ages normally make a beeline for him, especially at church where our pew gets very crowded what with Emma the children's worker and Martin with the rainbow bead bracelets to run off with.
I've been talking to Em today actually, she had a lot of coursework to finish, all stuff about age-appropriate behaviour and targets for different physical skills. She was asking for my perspective of what the children can do already from these targets and what it's likely they'll do next. I was shaking my head at some things, how easy it is to write a bracket down for that age group... Walking - tick! Says two or more words - tick! How clear those boundries are, can they or can't they.
What about Morgan walking - she could but she didn't. Was she meeting that target or not? Under test conditions she would never have walked for me (she probably now would go on strike if she thought I wanted her to do it)... Talking, she can say maybe ten words. But not correctly. Other adults can understand them, but not necessarily strangers. Can she say ten words? Two? At the end of the day, does it really matter in the context of my parental knowledge of her overall capability and contentment?
I'm glad I stopped looking at that sort of thing myself. I feel more able to gauge their ability without a checklist.
All these people add to our lives, and all they take is food that we can spare and space that we can spare. The girls love to have someone here, a bit of novelty and especially if there's a child. Jenna was so delighted to find Tristan here - more babies. She can never have too many babies around.
Tristan wasn't sure about being here though, just like Morgan he cries at strange men. Martin was in the "strange" bracket. Poor dear sweet man he isn't used to being seen as a threat - babies and children of all ages normally make a beeline for him, especially at church where our pew gets very crowded what with Emma the children's worker and Martin with the rainbow bead bracelets to run off with.
I've been talking to Em today actually, she had a lot of coursework to finish, all stuff about age-appropriate behaviour and targets for different physical skills. She was asking for my perspective of what the children can do already from these targets and what it's likely they'll do next. I was shaking my head at some things, how easy it is to write a bracket down for that age group... Walking - tick! Says two or more words - tick! How clear those boundries are, can they or can't they.
What about Morgan walking - she could but she didn't. Was she meeting that target or not? Under test conditions she would never have walked for me (she probably now would go on strike if she thought I wanted her to do it)... Talking, she can say maybe ten words. But not correctly. Other adults can understand them, but not necessarily strangers. Can she say ten words? Two? At the end of the day, does it really matter in the context of my parental knowledge of her overall capability and contentment?
I'm glad I stopped looking at that sort of thing myself. I feel more able to gauge their ability without a checklist.
9 January 2008
Singing her love out beautifully
I'm not pregnant; I have to say I'm definately more relieved than disapointed this time around. I do still want a baby before long but I'm being a bit more rational and realising that wanting it doesn't mean trying to make it happen just yet as the timing could be much better - and Martin still does not feel at all ready for another either. Morgan is sleeping again, and feeding in the day time instead. She also seems to have decided to drop all her previous baby signs and stick to just one - "milk" now means anything she wants!
We had a birthday party for my mum, in a restaurant and with other people eating who weren't expecting children running around. As usual though it was lovely to go out somewhere grown up with them in tow, just being a part of normal things and not feeling that we had to exclude them. Mum loved to have them there (and wow she looked so young and beautiful) and we had a great evening. One awful embarrasment happened though, Morgan was toddling around being sweet (and eating the bits of food she'd thrown on the floor before, yuck) when a young woman at a table near us held out her hand to her, expecting Morgan to come and say hi and hold her hand. Morgan looked at the hand, looked at the lady, took a bit of chewed food out of her mouth, and handed it over. Oops.
Something I've noticed from Jenna recently is that she sings as she plays, this beautiful sing-song speech just like it describes in the Waldorf books I've read. It's usually ascribed to older children but I hear her doing it all the time at the moment. Maybe because I sing to her all the time, folk songs, old songs, classical and rock and pop and everything between, made up silly songs, children's songs, tune-less meandering melodies telling her birth story and her life and my life and every fairy tale I know.
She drinks it in. And here she is, seated, lifting her voice to the sky singing a song for her sister about how much she loves her and how much her whole family care for her - acting it out in the dolls house as she does so. "You are my sister, you are my baby, you live here with me... And mummy changes your nappy, daddy changes every stinky nappy, but we don't mind because you are our baby...."
We had a birthday party for my mum, in a restaurant and with other people eating who weren't expecting children running around. As usual though it was lovely to go out somewhere grown up with them in tow, just being a part of normal things and not feeling that we had to exclude them. Mum loved to have them there (and wow she looked so young and beautiful) and we had a great evening. One awful embarrasment happened though, Morgan was toddling around being sweet (and eating the bits of food she'd thrown on the floor before, yuck) when a young woman at a table near us held out her hand to her, expecting Morgan to come and say hi and hold her hand. Morgan looked at the hand, looked at the lady, took a bit of chewed food out of her mouth, and handed it over. Oops.
Something I've noticed from Jenna recently is that she sings as she plays, this beautiful sing-song speech just like it describes in the Waldorf books I've read. It's usually ascribed to older children but I hear her doing it all the time at the moment. Maybe because I sing to her all the time, folk songs, old songs, classical and rock and pop and everything between, made up silly songs, children's songs, tune-less meandering melodies telling her birth story and her life and my life and every fairy tale I know.
She drinks it in. And here she is, seated, lifting her voice to the sky singing a song for her sister about how much she loves her and how much her whole family care for her - acting it out in the dolls house as she does so. "You are my sister, you are my baby, you live here with me... And mummy changes your nappy, daddy changes every stinky nappy, but we don't mind because you are our baby...."
8 January 2008
And better again thankfully
Wow I'm glad that one passed, I haven't had that dark a mood for a while but I can see where it came from. Morgan slept the other night, not last night but the night before, and suddenly I can breathe again. I don't want to leave them. I don't want to force them to be convenient. I'm OK, we're OK and I'm happy to be a mother. Still have PMT though! At least I'm hoping that it's PMT because I really want a baby but I don't feel like I'm coping well enough right now to inflict myself on another human being. When did my life become about coping when I used to really love being a mother more than anything?
Thinking of it from another angle, has there really ever been a time when I have not doubted myself for more than a few days at a time? I think maybe I've always felt like this, that some days I cope and some days I love it but it's the just making it through that counts more than anything, when I can manage to parent without causing too much harm in spite of my feelings. I guess those are the times when I'm strongest, when I feel like I can't do it and do anyway. Still, perhaps I won't be trying to add another one to the mix. I'm not ready to trust myself with a new baby and I'm just starting to find the fun in toddlerdom all over again.
We have been baking bread, making brownies, having a lovely earth-mothery couple of days. I'm actually doing what I feel like I should be doing in spite of feeling crappy. My children are precious, and I will treasure them even (especially) on the days when I don't think I like them very much.
Jenna and Aoife made some fairy cakes today, sweetly praising each other as they did so, "Wow you did really well on that one, I like those sparkles," they are really good together and wait more patiently for each other than I expected from children of this age. They seem so grown up when I see them like this, co-operating and having a real friendship, a real care for each other. I underestimate Jenna so much!
Morgan has been saying "ego" or "ago" a lot this week. Ego is "here you go" and ago is "thankyou". It's fab, just like Jenna we're not making a big deal about manners we're just trying to be polite and respect her. And she copies, like with everything else, the form she hears the most often.
We don't always say please, if it's a matter of something that she MUST do (for example giving up a pair of scissors that Jenna let her have) - we would say, "Give those to Mummy. You can have this toy, scissors are sharp." Mostly because please has connotations of her having a choice! If she has something less worrying, like a pen, I do say please.
Thinking of it from another angle, has there really ever been a time when I have not doubted myself for more than a few days at a time? I think maybe I've always felt like this, that some days I cope and some days I love it but it's the just making it through that counts more than anything, when I can manage to parent without causing too much harm in spite of my feelings. I guess those are the times when I'm strongest, when I feel like I can't do it and do anyway. Still, perhaps I won't be trying to add another one to the mix. I'm not ready to trust myself with a new baby and I'm just starting to find the fun in toddlerdom all over again.
We have been baking bread, making brownies, having a lovely earth-mothery couple of days. I'm actually doing what I feel like I should be doing in spite of feeling crappy. My children are precious, and I will treasure them even (especially) on the days when I don't think I like them very much.
Jenna and Aoife made some fairy cakes today, sweetly praising each other as they did so, "Wow you did really well on that one, I like those sparkles," they are really good together and wait more patiently for each other than I expected from children of this age. They seem so grown up when I see them like this, co-operating and having a real friendship, a real care for each other. I underestimate Jenna so much!
Morgan has been saying "ego" or "ago" a lot this week. Ego is "here you go" and ago is "thankyou". It's fab, just like Jenna we're not making a big deal about manners we're just trying to be polite and respect her. And she copies, like with everything else, the form she hears the most often.
We don't always say please, if it's a matter of something that she MUST do (for example giving up a pair of scissors that Jenna let her have) - we would say, "Give those to Mummy. You can have this toy, scissors are sharp." Mostly because please has connotations of her having a choice! If she has something less worrying, like a pen, I do say please.
6 January 2008
No sleep and suffering
We've had two hard, hellish days and I'm really doubting myself. With nobody to bounce it all off I'm just me on my own feeling like the only idiot around who hasn't got it - lock the kids away and don't give them the run of your life ESPECIALLY not at nighttime or they'll trample you into the ground.
I'm glad I don't feel like this too often, I can't see how it's going to end though and it's killing me hoping each night that Morgan will manage a couple of hours and then awake in the dark resenting her, resenting both of them, finding that they make mess and talk back and don't co-operate and demand my time just the same as they do when I'm sleeping properly and not suffering from PMT! How dare they! The sneaking doubt that most of this stuff just doesn't make me miserable most of the time makes me feel worse, like I should snap out of it.
What if I'm becoming depressed again? What if the idea to self-harm starts creeping back in? I'm not feeling that bad, but I could do. I need sleep, I need to share the burden sometimes with someone who won't say,"well you chose this" and most of all I need to just be on my own for any length of time just to hear my own thoughts. Martin has promised me that I can have a bath, without babies, just me on my own. I am going to make him keep his promise, because if I don't get it I can't promise to keep making tea and refraining from leaving the kids in childcare.
I'm glad I don't feel like this too often, I can't see how it's going to end though and it's killing me hoping each night that Morgan will manage a couple of hours and then awake in the dark resenting her, resenting both of them, finding that they make mess and talk back and don't co-operate and demand my time just the same as they do when I'm sleeping properly and not suffering from PMT! How dare they! The sneaking doubt that most of this stuff just doesn't make me miserable most of the time makes me feel worse, like I should snap out of it.
What if I'm becoming depressed again? What if the idea to self-harm starts creeping back in? I'm not feeling that bad, but I could do. I need sleep, I need to share the burden sometimes with someone who won't say,"well you chose this" and most of all I need to just be on my own for any length of time just to hear my own thoughts. Martin has promised me that I can have a bath, without babies, just me on my own. I am going to make him keep his promise, because if I don't get it I can't promise to keep making tea and refraining from leaving the kids in childcare.
5 January 2008
No internet - really having consequences
We have been internet-less for nearly three weeks now I think and I've missed it a lot. I have to say perhaps I've missed it too much! But not really having real life support for so much of our lives I can get lonely and be inclined to lose my way a bit. Everyone needs a tribe. It's hard being separated from everyone and not knowing what's going on in their lives (your lives) and I have wanted to look something up or ask someone a question so many times recently and not been able to.
The girls seem really noisy at the moment, really rowdy and wanting to make irritating repetitive noises. As usual with the baby I put it down to her being a baby (though she really isn't any more) and with Jenna I tend to feel that she should be able to stop herself. This means that all my intentions are not stopping me from occasionally yelling, "SHUT UP!!" and then taking myself to the bathroom where I can lock the door for a maximum of five minutes and get myself together.
Luckily Jenna is just so good with Morgan most of the time that I don't have to think about that too much, and if the door is slightly ajar and Morgan tries to come up after me Jenna calls for me right away and stays behind her as she scales the first few steps. Nobody really told her to do that, she just knows, and she's more reliable than I am in spotting when Morgan has escaped. I'm so thankful for that, for her. She's a great kid.
Also to blame for the stress is that Morgan's sleeping hasn't settled down since she started to walk more. She's still feeding a lot at night - mostly she's so busy in the day time she doesn't feed at all but then will wake me every couple of hours for milk at night. Wake me properly too, to be up with her for more than half an hour just laying her back in the bed when she starts to climb and trying to get her to stay latched on for more than a minute. I'm tired!
The girls seem really noisy at the moment, really rowdy and wanting to make irritating repetitive noises. As usual with the baby I put it down to her being a baby (though she really isn't any more) and with Jenna I tend to feel that she should be able to stop herself. This means that all my intentions are not stopping me from occasionally yelling, "SHUT UP!!" and then taking myself to the bathroom where I can lock the door for a maximum of five minutes and get myself together.
Luckily Jenna is just so good with Morgan most of the time that I don't have to think about that too much, and if the door is slightly ajar and Morgan tries to come up after me Jenna calls for me right away and stays behind her as she scales the first few steps. Nobody really told her to do that, she just knows, and she's more reliable than I am in spotting when Morgan has escaped. I'm so thankful for that, for her. She's a great kid.
Also to blame for the stress is that Morgan's sleeping hasn't settled down since she started to walk more. She's still feeding a lot at night - mostly she's so busy in the day time she doesn't feed at all but then will wake me every couple of hours for milk at night. Wake me properly too, to be up with her for more than half an hour just laying her back in the bed when she starts to climb and trying to get her to stay latched on for more than a minute. I'm tired!
1 January 2008
Woodland walks and New Year thoughts
We have had some lovely restful walks lately, last night we took on to find fruit and veg from the shops and then it turned into a lovely long night-time meander. The darkness and the cool air is very restful and good for getting the children to wind down. We should get outside more often - I can't wait for the warmer weather and to be in my garden all summer long again. Today we went to the woods with Paul and Maarja, and my mum. Kicking leaves and looking at fungus, feeling the moss and exploring the narrow paths that lead nowhere and get you all tangled up in brambles. Perfect.
It's good to get to spend some time like that with my brother too, it's strange to see my children playing with him and how readily they accept him (and Maarja) as their own. They have seen so little of him in their lifetimes but the love is real and Jenna prays for them all the time. She has an amazing memory for people and always asks about them. She can point out where they are on a map too, though I doubt the scale means much to her apart from that there is distance between us.
Since a few months ago when Paul got in touch and we really made peace, I've been missing him a lot. He was a great friend growing up, and the couple of years between us never seemed like much. He was on the same wavelength and going through the same stuff, we shared a lot of our friends at school and a lot of the trials there too (both being a little non-conformist though in different ways).
I can't think what else is going on for us right now, but I wish you all blessings in the new year and every possible joy.
It's good to get to spend some time like that with my brother too, it's strange to see my children playing with him and how readily they accept him (and Maarja) as their own. They have seen so little of him in their lifetimes but the love is real and Jenna prays for them all the time. She has an amazing memory for people and always asks about them. She can point out where they are on a map too, though I doubt the scale means much to her apart from that there is distance between us.
Since a few months ago when Paul got in touch and we really made peace, I've been missing him a lot. He was a great friend growing up, and the couple of years between us never seemed like much. He was on the same wavelength and going through the same stuff, we shared a lot of our friends at school and a lot of the trials there too (both being a little non-conformist though in different ways).
I can't think what else is going on for us right now, but I wish you all blessings in the new year and every possible joy.
30 December 2007
Biscuits are not a proper dinner
Quick report - I've cooked every day since writing (three days) and I'm back to making nice lunches too, salads and pasta and sandwiches.
Other than keeping that up we have no real exciting plans for next year, and nothing major to do this next month either really. We're just enjoying unschooling and connected living, recovering from feeling angry all the time, reading and learning something new every day. And that's my resolution - to find new things to learn and to expand my horizons.
Other than keeping that up we have no real exciting plans for next year, and nothing major to do this next month either really. We're just enjoying unschooling and connected living, recovering from feeling angry all the time, reading and learning something new every day. And that's my resolution - to find new things to learn and to expand my horizons.
27 December 2007
Christmas update
The day itself I can hardly even recall exactly, just a week later. It was great, everything we wanted it to be. Relaxing and beautiful and somehow old... I wish I could give it a word. Presents included: A wooden drum, stacking houses and stacking cups, play silks, a cotton shopping bag and fabric pens, Miffy and Elsa Bleskow books, tree blocks, spinning top, clothes, small dolls and animals, dressing up things, little pieces of wooden jewellery... A reasonable ammount that we can both use and store. They were delighted with every single thing. :)
Boxing day was a bit of hard work really in the end. Lots of noisy toys, almost everything battery operated and everything plastic. Martin was furious - I was really worried about what to do with it all as there were some things we really couldn't keep (a tractor and farm animals that played a tune and made sounds, the least of all the reasons we couldn't keep it being that we already have the whole lot in wood lol). Especially the grotesque Vtech teddy that made scary growling noises and said the alphabet.
Totally inappropriate for a baby in every way to be quite frank (I am sorry if you own and like it but it's not coming into my home). Anyhow, Martin said that since we had gently and respectfully told them our boundaries on gifts (all we said was nothing electronic, they need clothes and books, we are avoiding plastic, Jenna loves board games, Morgan would like some musical instruments) and they had ignored us it wasn't anything to feel guilty about. We made a parenting decision, just as if we had said "no sweets" and they had given the children selection boxes.
We have had a pretty calm week since then though. My brother came back from Estonia for Dad's birthday and we all surprised him (he was shocked that his girlfriend, his mum, all of us kids, had managed to keep the secret). I do have to say though that three year olds deserve their reputation for not being able to keep quiet!
All morning every time a car pulled up she said, "That's Uncle Paul and Auntie Maarja!!" And my Dad said, "Don't be silly, they're a long long way away." I only told her because it was the only way to persuade her to leave the house that morning lol! When the door finally went Jenna said, "Maarja!!" Dad said, "Nooo! [long pause] oh Yes it IS!"
Morgan started properly walking some time in the last two weeks too, it's hard to tell a date because she has been able to do a few steps for ages but has just decided that now she actually wants to. It was Christmas day that we noticed though, she was walking across the room from toybox to sofa just for the fun of it. Now we find her walking round and round the room for no good reason, pure joy at the new skill and the sudden confidence. It's meant she is waking more at night for milk as usual, step forwards in the day equals retreat to safety at night. I don't mind at all though, just the happy expression as she shows off her dancing or does a little wobbly skip!
We have been eating appallingly since Christmas day though. There are biscuits in the house (about four boxes) and it's so easy for me to feed myself them instead of eating proper food. The girls are mostly eating cheese and raw vegetables, and lots of breakfast cereals (which Morgan still won't really eat lol so she has toast). It's strange, but this is probably the thing bothering me the most - that I'm not taking proper care of the children. Not so long ago I would have been more worried about my figure, but I'm noticing more what I'm doing to them I guess. I need to get back in the kitchen and stop buying chips on my way home.
Boxing day was a bit of hard work really in the end. Lots of noisy toys, almost everything battery operated and everything plastic. Martin was furious - I was really worried about what to do with it all as there were some things we really couldn't keep (a tractor and farm animals that played a tune and made sounds, the least of all the reasons we couldn't keep it being that we already have the whole lot in wood lol). Especially the grotesque Vtech teddy that made scary growling noises and said the alphabet.
Totally inappropriate for a baby in every way to be quite frank (I am sorry if you own and like it but it's not coming into my home). Anyhow, Martin said that since we had gently and respectfully told them our boundaries on gifts (all we said was nothing electronic, they need clothes and books, we are avoiding plastic, Jenna loves board games, Morgan would like some musical instruments) and they had ignored us it wasn't anything to feel guilty about. We made a parenting decision, just as if we had said "no sweets" and they had given the children selection boxes.
We have had a pretty calm week since then though. My brother came back from Estonia for Dad's birthday and we all surprised him (he was shocked that his girlfriend, his mum, all of us kids, had managed to keep the secret). I do have to say though that three year olds deserve their reputation for not being able to keep quiet!
All morning every time a car pulled up she said, "That's Uncle Paul and Auntie Maarja!!" And my Dad said, "Don't be silly, they're a long long way away." I only told her because it was the only way to persuade her to leave the house that morning lol! When the door finally went Jenna said, "Maarja!!" Dad said, "Nooo! [long pause] oh Yes it IS!"
Morgan started properly walking some time in the last two weeks too, it's hard to tell a date because she has been able to do a few steps for ages but has just decided that now she actually wants to. It was Christmas day that we noticed though, she was walking across the room from toybox to sofa just for the fun of it. Now we find her walking round and round the room for no good reason, pure joy at the new skill and the sudden confidence. It's meant she is waking more at night for milk as usual, step forwards in the day equals retreat to safety at night. I don't mind at all though, just the happy expression as she shows off her dancing or does a little wobbly skip!
We have been eating appallingly since Christmas day though. There are biscuits in the house (about four boxes) and it's so easy for me to feed myself them instead of eating proper food. The girls are mostly eating cheese and raw vegetables, and lots of breakfast cereals (which Morgan still won't really eat lol so she has toast). It's strange, but this is probably the thing bothering me the most - that I'm not taking proper care of the children. Not so long ago I would have been more worried about my figure, but I'm noticing more what I'm doing to them I guess. I need to get back in the kitchen and stop buying chips on my way home.
17 December 2007
MORE lurgies
We're all sick, yucky snotty poorly, throwing up. We haven't been out all week and I'm sick of these four walls. I'm not yelling though, not enough energy. And suddenly I feel like Christmas is just a day away, with that last straggling present to buy and no food in the house. I need a rest, a day off, to call in sick. If only. At least I'm not being woken at night at the moment!
Morgan is starting to talk a bit more, still the same words really (only she has learnt to say NO very well indeed) but she wants to communicate so much. She gestures and points and babbles about things in her own little language. It's lovely, but I wish I understood more of it. Not that she can't make herself QUITE clear if she feels the need...
Morgan is starting to talk a bit more, still the same words really (only she has learnt to say NO very well indeed) but she wants to communicate so much. She gestures and points and babbles about things in her own little language. It's lovely, but I wish I understood more of it. Not that she can't make herself QUITE clear if she feels the need...
11 December 2007
Morgan, one whole year today my darling!
Happy Birthday, little one. What a long time to have been breathing our air. It seems barely possible that you were ever a few hours born and snuggling scrunchily-red for milk in the warm dark.
I have loved every day with you and been in the present moment with you frequently and joyfully and I wish there was more time, always I wish it lasted longer.
I cannot keep you here in this day, cannot even hold you still from change and growing and learning. Not for a second, and the sorrow at passing each stage is the sweeter joy in the instant. Stay here with me a while longer, don't let go too soon, but be free to make your own doors into the world and find your own paths there. Sweet precious Morgan.
10 December 2007
School rants, and remembering a year ago
Yesterday was our Christingle service and it was gorgeous. One more reason I actually like to be in the old building with so much history and distilled tradition around me. Oh the candles, Morgan was in baby heaven (little eyes lit up) up on my back in the sling while I held her candle for her. It was so perfectly reassuringly warm, being together and sharing something from my own childhood. Celebrating something together on whatever level we understand it. Holding hands, one big family.
Jenna is astonishing me at the moment with the things she knows without me ever having told her. She told me that the cheese she had was "garlic cheese" even though she has never been explicitly told the ingredients that I'm adding or in what order or been asked to taste some raw or anything! She just knew. She has used the words "surface" and "ignorant" to me this week in conversation, and she said to my mother that something was "versetile - really useful!" It's incredible what she can absorb, and what she chooses to absorb too. Certainly not exactly what I'd have chosen for her. Hedgehogs, what they eat and where they live. Stones, what gems are called and how they are made. Bonnie Prince Charlie. Ancient Egypt. Anything to do with babies and giving birth. Amazing.
Yet she still feels helpless and not in control of her own learning. She tells me that she needs to go to school because otherwise she won't know anything. She says that she needs a teacher to tell her things. Why is the view of school so ingrained that even she feels like this in the home that she has grown up in? It's ridiculous, this idea that we can't know anything without being told it.
All of these programs about the current fad for phonics are symptomatic. Given time, of COURSE the human brain isn't capable of assimilating those groupings without explicit teaching! If it was, then all children might dare to learn at different rates though... Micheal Rosen said it for me - they may learn to read, remarkable. But who will then give them back the love of books for their own sake?
This time last year, I felt my waters break with a tiny faint pop. And I took myself off up to bed.
Jenna is astonishing me at the moment with the things she knows without me ever having told her. She told me that the cheese she had was "garlic cheese" even though she has never been explicitly told the ingredients that I'm adding or in what order or been asked to taste some raw or anything! She just knew. She has used the words "surface" and "ignorant" to me this week in conversation, and she said to my mother that something was "versetile - really useful!" It's incredible what she can absorb, and what she chooses to absorb too. Certainly not exactly what I'd have chosen for her. Hedgehogs, what they eat and where they live. Stones, what gems are called and how they are made. Bonnie Prince Charlie. Ancient Egypt. Anything to do with babies and giving birth. Amazing.
Yet she still feels helpless and not in control of her own learning. She tells me that she needs to go to school because otherwise she won't know anything. She says that she needs a teacher to tell her things. Why is the view of school so ingrained that even she feels like this in the home that she has grown up in? It's ridiculous, this idea that we can't know anything without being told it.
All of these programs about the current fad for phonics are symptomatic. Given time, of COURSE the human brain isn't capable of assimilating those groupings without explicit teaching! If it was, then all children might dare to learn at different rates though... Micheal Rosen said it for me - they may learn to read, remarkable. But who will then give them back the love of books for their own sake?
This time last year, I felt my waters break with a tiny faint pop. And I took myself off up to bed.
8 December 2007
Christmas is coming and Jenna needs cake
We have given up on trying to have Mary and Joseph travel to the stable through advent; Jenna is too impatient and instead wants to play with the whole nativity set every day. She makes them talk to each other and we regularly have the scene enacted of Joseph asking Mary to marry him, and off angels making visits to all and sundry. The impatience for Christmas is coming out in other ways though.
She has been asking for a Christmas cake (she doesn't even eat fruit cake) so this afternoon we had a Christmas-can't-come-soon-enough Party. We baked chocolate cake and put snowmen on top. We made a nice meal of some more home-grown vegetables (in pasta sauce again), and dished up some breadsticks, salad and dips. We ate in the living room, on a picnic blanket, with the room lit up by all the candles we own.
The negative side is the advertising, everywhere, of everything we don't want for Christmas. We've really cut down on what, and what sort of things, we actually want the children to have. But somehow if she ends up seeing any television she loses all discrimination. She sits and says, "I want that, I need one of those, I need that, I want that toy," without even seeing properly what they are or what they do!
It drives me nuts and makes me wonder what on earth I did to turn herself into such a little consumer. It also makes me want more strongly to not watch television and not let her watch it either! I just say that I don't like it, and if she can earn the money she can buy it herself. She doesn't really earn any pocket money yet so it's a set-up. But it makes her feel better and less squished.
She has been asking for a Christmas cake (she doesn't even eat fruit cake) so this afternoon we had a Christmas-can't-come-soon-enough Party. We baked chocolate cake and put snowmen on top. We made a nice meal of some more home-grown vegetables (in pasta sauce again), and dished up some breadsticks, salad and dips. We ate in the living room, on a picnic blanket, with the room lit up by all the candles we own.
The negative side is the advertising, everywhere, of everything we don't want for Christmas. We've really cut down on what, and what sort of things, we actually want the children to have. But somehow if she ends up seeing any television she loses all discrimination. She sits and says, "I want that, I need one of those, I need that, I want that toy," without even seeing properly what they are or what they do!
It drives me nuts and makes me wonder what on earth I did to turn herself into such a little consumer. It also makes me want more strongly to not watch television and not let her watch it either! I just say that I don't like it, and if she can earn the money she can buy it herself. She doesn't really earn any pocket money yet so it's a set-up. But it makes her feel better and less squished.
4 December 2007
BRILLIANT behaviour at a birthday party
This is almost entirely a brag on Jenna. She has been flipping UNbelievable today and I can't stop grinning. Probably it was more her than me (no, definately it was more her) but I'm really proud anyhow. Talk about a good time to be on best behaviour, usually the public at large only get her worst days (and mine). We went to a birthday party. Where there were sugary things and bottled drinks and all kinds of opportunities for Jenna to refuse to share and have tantrums at having to wait her turn. None of my worries on arriving came true.
Given a choice between biscuits and fruit she ate fruit. Given the only layer of the pass the parcel with no treat she did not complain. She waited her turn, and when given a sweet ate half of it and gave the rest to me. And it was a sweet she acutally likes. Offered a second sweet (Morgan's) she said that no, she had had one already. She passed plates at tea time.
She said please and thankyou and offered toys to the other children. She watched the babies and passed them back anything they dropped. This is so typical of her behaviour six months ago that I shouldn't be surprised but she has been harder work recently than she ever was as a two year old. I was delighted, and had to try not to make too much of a fuss of her (lest she think that she isn't expected to treat other children so nicely normally!).
She is a lovely child really! I am not raising a little brat! How can I forgive myself for thinking of her in such awful terms?
Given a choice between biscuits and fruit she ate fruit. Given the only layer of the pass the parcel with no treat she did not complain. She waited her turn, and when given a sweet ate half of it and gave the rest to me. And it was a sweet she acutally likes. Offered a second sweet (Morgan's) she said that no, she had had one already. She passed plates at tea time.
She said please and thankyou and offered toys to the other children. She watched the babies and passed them back anything they dropped. This is so typical of her behaviour six months ago that I shouldn't be surprised but she has been harder work recently than she ever was as a two year old. I was delighted, and had to try not to make too much of a fuss of her (lest she think that she isn't expected to treat other children so nicely normally!).
She is a lovely child really! I am not raising a little brat! How can I forgive myself for thinking of her in such awful terms?
2 December 2007
Don't lick Baby Jesus...
Jenna: "I'm getting baby Jesus all dirty - I need to lick the chocolate off Him."Me: "Jenna we don't LICK baby Jesus. Put Him down."
We've had another busy family weekend, though it feels like Martin worked for fully half of it. Jenna has been pretty tired and down, and keeps having little screaming tantrums. I'm trying to remind her to use her words instead of yelling back or trying to shut her up. There just seems to be no early warning system in place for these upsets because she's upset all the time! We need a week of routine, eating regularly, napping properly, and just hanging out for cuddles and stories.
On the up-side, Morgan is finally interested in food for other reasons than play. I have seen her pack away some major portions of pasta and she is sleeping much better too. I can't tell if it's linked and her best eating days can be her worst nights, but at least generally things that were worrying me a little bit now aren't. Only being woken once really helps with that as at least my stress levels are lower.
We've had another busy family weekend, though it feels like Martin worked for fully half of it. Jenna has been pretty tired and down, and keeps having little screaming tantrums. I'm trying to remind her to use her words instead of yelling back or trying to shut her up. There just seems to be no early warning system in place for these upsets because she's upset all the time! We need a week of routine, eating regularly, napping properly, and just hanging out for cuddles and stories.
On the up-side, Morgan is finally interested in food for other reasons than play. I have seen her pack away some major portions of pasta and she is sleeping much better too. I can't tell if it's linked and her best eating days can be her worst nights, but at least generally things that were worrying me a little bit now aren't. Only being woken once really helps with that as at least my stress levels are lower.
30 November 2007
More age appropriate expectations revised!
Another shouting code breach to report. I was trying to teach Jenna to play snap, unwisely and adultly insisting that she play the "proper" way in spite of everything I know about how children learn (and fail!). Stupid, stupid, stupid. I got more and more stressed out until I just put the cards away, making her feel like I was punishing her and she was too young to be capable of the seemingly simple task. The problem is, she isn't ready to take turns like that, to be rigidly set to one kind of game. She wanted to pretend that she could already play the game, she wanted to be capable and right and not corrected and hassled.
All this, with hind-sight. Anyhow, after the usual apology and giving her the damn cards to use how she WANTS to use them (why did it even matter in the first place?) I have a new plan. I am going to notice sooner when she is getting stressed and when we are approaching showdown. That is the plan, in its entirety. That's all it really takes, to turn a conflict into a chance to be the parent I want to be - just to NOTICE.
We went to the gym again today, so that the girls could both swim with my mum and for Jenna's dance class. As I went to take her into the children's area for her group to meet up, I took Morgan out of the sling and let her sit on the floor to watch Jenna go in. A little boy said to me, "That baby can't come in here, she goes in the creche." I said, "She's coming with me, we're going to go and play together in the cafe." He said, "She can't - she has to go in the creche." I said, "She hasn't EVER been in a creche. She has me to watch her." He turned to the group leader as I left, and I heard, "Why doesn't the baby go in the creche? Is it poorly?"
From here in my usual chair I can see Mary and Joseph kissing on my mantlepiece. I wonder if Jenna put them like that; no, I know Jenna put them like that. Family life is full of these tiny events. Meaningless little moments that weave our hours and days into a rich tapestry of colour and light.
All this, with hind-sight. Anyhow, after the usual apology and giving her the damn cards to use how she WANTS to use them (why did it even matter in the first place?) I have a new plan. I am going to notice sooner when she is getting stressed and when we are approaching showdown. That is the plan, in its entirety. That's all it really takes, to turn a conflict into a chance to be the parent I want to be - just to NOTICE.
We went to the gym again today, so that the girls could both swim with my mum and for Jenna's dance class. As I went to take her into the children's area for her group to meet up, I took Morgan out of the sling and let her sit on the floor to watch Jenna go in. A little boy said to me, "That baby can't come in here, she goes in the creche." I said, "She's coming with me, we're going to go and play together in the cafe." He said, "She can't - she has to go in the creche." I said, "She hasn't EVER been in a creche. She has me to watch her." He turned to the group leader as I left, and I heard, "Why doesn't the baby go in the creche? Is it poorly?"
From here in my usual chair I can see Mary and Joseph kissing on my mantlepiece. I wonder if Jenna put them like that; no, I know Jenna put them like that. Family life is full of these tiny events. Meaningless little moments that weave our hours and days into a rich tapestry of colour and light.
29 November 2007
A moment of total wholeness
Thank goodness for that - all better. Still a bit twingey but I made it to befriending and walked into town afterwards and I'm not suffering this afternoon. The girls won't be back for another hour or two so now I'm going to take a nap in the hopes that no more back pain is coming my way in revenge for going out today!
I was thinking on my way home again, as I do every week, just how lucky I am. When you've been around someone with so many problems you start to realise that they're actually so normal. They didn't do anything to deserve how hard things are for them, they don't have some defect that makes them think that way necessarily. My client is a normal person who reacted to extraordinary problems with great courage and still had an understandable breakdown.
I go through all the people I know well enough to make the call - what would happen if it was them? Where is the support? Would I have reacted the same way? I can't imagine that I would have coped much better, any better. We are all somewhere walking a line and we could all be tipped over into what the rest of the world calls insanity and turns away from. Mental health is not a simple issue, not remotely cut and dried. Nobody is on the safe side of the line, untouchable by this, it's part of all of us.
More than this, how many small pleasures do we not count because they are the blessings that everyone has? Everyone like us at least. How many people could not do for themselves, or for any pressing need, the thing I did today? I walked, freely and feeling the youth and strength in my body, seeing the mundane brickwork and hearing people talking.
I saw markets, touched the fruits and smelled all sorts of things I wouldn't normally be pleased to. I saw a carpark. It was there and I was free to pass it, free to see what was there are look into the face of other free people. Did they know how very liberated they are? The feel of my jeans against my ankles, my coat against my shoulders. How very perfect, how very beautiful, to be alive and aware of the so many things that I can't usually see for them being everywhere.
I was thinking on my way home again, as I do every week, just how lucky I am. When you've been around someone with so many problems you start to realise that they're actually so normal. They didn't do anything to deserve how hard things are for them, they don't have some defect that makes them think that way necessarily. My client is a normal person who reacted to extraordinary problems with great courage and still had an understandable breakdown.
I go through all the people I know well enough to make the call - what would happen if it was them? Where is the support? Would I have reacted the same way? I can't imagine that I would have coped much better, any better. We are all somewhere walking a line and we could all be tipped over into what the rest of the world calls insanity and turns away from. Mental health is not a simple issue, not remotely cut and dried. Nobody is on the safe side of the line, untouchable by this, it's part of all of us.
More than this, how many small pleasures do we not count because they are the blessings that everyone has? Everyone like us at least. How many people could not do for themselves, or for any pressing need, the thing I did today? I walked, freely and feeling the youth and strength in my body, seeing the mundane brickwork and hearing people talking.
I saw markets, touched the fruits and smelled all sorts of things I wouldn't normally be pleased to. I saw a carpark. It was there and I was free to pass it, free to see what was there are look into the face of other free people. Did they know how very liberated they are? The feel of my jeans against my ankles, my coat against my shoulders. How very perfect, how very beautiful, to be alive and aware of the so many things that I can't usually see for them being everywhere.
28 November 2007
Argh my back is still out...
I still haven't been anywhere and am very sore. I can't believe how much it aches and I feel like I'm prooving everyone right - I'm never going to hear the end of it from the family and assorted others who keep telling me she's too big to carry now. I only started carrying Jenna at this age!
Drat.
Emma came and saved me yesterday, spent all day pottering with the children and bringing Morgan to me to feed etc. I'm so worried about coping today, and I don't want to call in to befriending tomorrow either. How am I going to manage it? :(
Drat.
Emma came and saved me yesterday, spent all day pottering with the children and bringing Morgan to me to feed etc. I'm so worried about coping today, and I don't want to call in to befriending tomorrow either. How am I going to manage it? :(
26 November 2007
Hard lessons about stretchy wraps!
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. :( I am now the advert for all the reasons why you should use a woven wrap for an older baby. Morgan is 1yo in a couple of weeks and obviously seriously outgrew it.
Yup, I went around town for three hours yesterday with Morgan in the stretchy AND carrying a heavy change bag and heavier library books. I'm not blaming the stretchy really, it was fine on my birthday for walking in but with bags as well... It was so tempting, the lovely cool water colours and I have missed it since she grew so big.
However now I am stuck here with a hot water bottle, can't take the children to soft play, barely made it down the stairs this morning (and Morgan can't climb down on her own yet!). *sigh* Ouch. I don't know how I'm going to take care of them, I may have to call Martin and beg him to come home.
Yup, I went around town for three hours yesterday with Morgan in the stretchy AND carrying a heavy change bag and heavier library books. I'm not blaming the stretchy really, it was fine on my birthday for walking in but with bags as well... It was so tempting, the lovely cool water colours and I have missed it since she grew so big.
However now I am stuck here with a hot water bottle, can't take the children to soft play, barely made it down the stairs this morning (and Morgan can't climb down on her own yet!). *sigh* Ouch. I don't know how I'm going to take care of them, I may have to call Martin and beg him to come home.
25 November 2007
Buy nothing new for a year challenge
I've had my 23rd birthday (I'm sure the age itself is shocking some people lol - it feels old enough to me though!). We've had Buy Nothing day (on which we bought food). Not a lot else, not a lot of anything I guess.
My birthday was nice, quiet and calm and a bit odd really. Last year I was hugely pregnant, the year before I was miscarrying, the year before that I had a newborn... It feels like I don't have birthdays any more. Maybe one year I'll do something just for me, but I kind of like it this way without too much attention being drawn to it or anyone making a fuss of me. The children are so much a part of everything for me, even a meal out without them seems like something I'm not ready for. I wonder when I'll stop wanting them so close?
We are actually still trying to not buy new unless it's ethical, and our food shopping is getting more local and organic every time. We tend to get the reaction that it's too expensive to live like that, not buying non-organic food. But we eat less meat, we make things last, we bulk out meals with other ingredients (one small pack of mince makes two meals, one small organic chicken is three meals!). We make a lot from scratch and the closest we get to a ready meal these days is beans on toast.
We caved and got some organic vests for Morgan when it became obvious that we wouldn't be able to find enough second hand ones to clothe her - Jenna didn't even wear vests at this age as she was walking so much and Morgan just won't. Crawling really pulls those little clothes up. And we're getting a couple of wooden toys for the girls, but we're hardly spending anything.
My birthday was nice, quiet and calm and a bit odd really. Last year I was hugely pregnant, the year before I was miscarrying, the year before that I had a newborn... It feels like I don't have birthdays any more. Maybe one year I'll do something just for me, but I kind of like it this way without too much attention being drawn to it or anyone making a fuss of me. The children are so much a part of everything for me, even a meal out without them seems like something I'm not ready for. I wonder when I'll stop wanting them so close?
We are actually still trying to not buy new unless it's ethical, and our food shopping is getting more local and organic every time. We tend to get the reaction that it's too expensive to live like that, not buying non-organic food. But we eat less meat, we make things last, we bulk out meals with other ingredients (one small pack of mince makes two meals, one small organic chicken is three meals!). We make a lot from scratch and the closest we get to a ready meal these days is beans on toast.
We caved and got some organic vests for Morgan when it became obvious that we wouldn't be able to find enough second hand ones to clothe her - Jenna didn't even wear vests at this age as she was walking so much and Morgan just won't. Crawling really pulls those little clothes up. And we're getting a couple of wooden toys for the girls, but we're hardly spending anything.
18 November 2007
Social responses, death, and a visit
My in-laws cat has died, another sadness for Jenna and another hard lesson in loss. She seems very interested this time in what other people think of it, and how we are reacting. Martin hadn't really come to terms with it, hadn't taken in what I was saying (he grew up with this cat) and when we went to visit them it was still not really registering.
At the top of the steps down to their house Jenna said, "Everyone dies here." We said that no, of course everyone hasn't died. She argued that one of the guinea pigs had died last month, Larry-boy is dead... At this point Martin started to cry and we had to collect ourselves and give him big hugs before we could make it into the house. Jenna was surprised, Daddy doesn't often cry.
Later in the day she kind of poked him and looking up with that winning smile said, "Daddy - Larry-boy is dead." And then she waited, watching him as if she wanted to see him cry again. I laughed, trying not to of course. She really seemed to be figuring out why sometimes something is really sad and sometimes the same event is OK to think about. Why had Daddy cried like that when he already knew? Why didn't he cry now? She's learning a lot from all this - not the fragility-of-life stuff we thought. But a lot of social rules, and something about context too.
At the top of the steps down to their house Jenna said, "Everyone dies here." We said that no, of course everyone hasn't died. She argued that one of the guinea pigs had died last month, Larry-boy is dead... At this point Martin started to cry and we had to collect ourselves and give him big hugs before we could make it into the house. Jenna was surprised, Daddy doesn't often cry.
Later in the day she kind of poked him and looking up with that winning smile said, "Daddy - Larry-boy is dead." And then she waited, watching him as if she wanted to see him cry again. I laughed, trying not to of course. She really seemed to be figuring out why sometimes something is really sad and sometimes the same event is OK to think about. Why had Daddy cried like that when he already knew? Why didn't he cry now? She's learning a lot from all this - not the fragility-of-life stuff we thought. But a lot of social rules, and something about context too.
17 November 2007
Changing as a person
I can't tell you how much we laugh sometimes, at the glorious things they come out with. I was cross with Jenna (again) this morning, and she quietly said (not looking at me), "Mummy pleeease don't break my *other* baby gate!" I laughed and stopped throwing my toys out of the metaphorical pram.
I have to say, Morgan arriving has done a lot for my ability to organise but only because, deep down, I'm suffering from terminal confusion. I can never remember times and dates, they all have to be written down somewhere in bold. I can't even tell the day of the week if we don't go to a regular activity. I spend much more time wandering around the house saying, "what am I looking for?!" It's terrible. Yesterday I dropped Jenna off at her dance class with the words, "Don't worry if I turn up to pick her up early, it won't be because anything is wrong, it'll just be that I'm confused." As I closed the door behind me I was accosted by another mother who said, with evident relief, "It gets worse with every child, doesn't it? I can't remember what it felt like to know what I was doing!" What can I add to that summation? I can't remember the profound thing I wanted to say anyway...
I have been being organised with last minute Christmas makes though. The fact that I think it's last minute already tells you a lot about how I'm getting past the mushy brain with planning ahead. I've made some little dolls, felt animals, dyed some play silks myself (a bargain from http://www.rainbowsilks.co.uk/ transformed with some dylon), all sorts of things. I've been working more on the season table too and made some last little autumnal gnomes. We're feeling crafty. Something has to reconnect us after the shouting!
I have to say, Morgan arriving has done a lot for my ability to organise but only because, deep down, I'm suffering from terminal confusion. I can never remember times and dates, they all have to be written down somewhere in bold. I can't even tell the day of the week if we don't go to a regular activity. I spend much more time wandering around the house saying, "what am I looking for?!" It's terrible. Yesterday I dropped Jenna off at her dance class with the words, "Don't worry if I turn up to pick her up early, it won't be because anything is wrong, it'll just be that I'm confused." As I closed the door behind me I was accosted by another mother who said, with evident relief, "It gets worse with every child, doesn't it? I can't remember what it felt like to know what I was doing!" What can I add to that summation? I can't remember the profound thing I wanted to say anyway...
I have been being organised with last minute Christmas makes though. The fact that I think it's last minute already tells you a lot about how I'm getting past the mushy brain with planning ahead. I've made some little dolls, felt animals, dyed some play silks myself (a bargain from http://www.rainbowsilks.co.uk/ transformed with some dylon), all sorts of things. I've been working more on the season table too and made some last little autumnal gnomes. We're feeling crafty. Something has to reconnect us after the shouting!
16 November 2007
Anger and how to deal with it?
Something is not going so well as it should be - I feel like I'm perpetually losing my temper and I'm too frustrated to try to figure out the root of my problem. I keep saying I don't know what's wrong with me. It's tempting to think I'm just not cut out for this, I'm no good, I'm an awful parent. I felt so together until Morgan got mobile - well, mostly. Now I'm just mad at them both all of the time, always picking at things that don't matter and flying off the handle when they do normal kid stuff.
I managed to break the safety gate at the top of the stairs today. Jenna had been winding me up over really minor stuff and I can see now that she wasn't doing it on purpose. The urge to hit her was just so strong. I'm really ashamed of myself, I had a proper toddler tantrum and threw the washing I was carrying on the floor and kicked the baby gate. It fell off its hinges and then Morgan and Jenna were crying and I was screaming at them (if only I could take that back and go hit a pillow in private). What can you do when you lose it so badly? Well I had to ask myself what I'd want Jenna to do if she'd just done that... I said sorry and explained why I'd handled it wrongly and what I should have done. I asked her to forgive me, and hugged them both. I tried to fix the gate and then said that Daddy would help me do it later.
We only just got out of the house this morning without someone being smacked. I never thought I could come that close. Thinking about it now I can see that really I only wanted to hit her BECAUSE I knew it was wrong. In my anger I just wanted to lash out, do something terrible. Is this what my own experience of being disciplined has taught me? Has my adult life done nothing to take away the desire to act bad because I feel out of control and doing something naughty gives me the control back? What a failure.
I managed to break the safety gate at the top of the stairs today. Jenna had been winding me up over really minor stuff and I can see now that she wasn't doing it on purpose. The urge to hit her was just so strong. I'm really ashamed of myself, I had a proper toddler tantrum and threw the washing I was carrying on the floor and kicked the baby gate. It fell off its hinges and then Morgan and Jenna were crying and I was screaming at them (if only I could take that back and go hit a pillow in private). What can you do when you lose it so badly? Well I had to ask myself what I'd want Jenna to do if she'd just done that... I said sorry and explained why I'd handled it wrongly and what I should have done. I asked her to forgive me, and hugged them both. I tried to fix the gate and then said that Daddy would help me do it later.
We only just got out of the house this morning without someone being smacked. I never thought I could come that close. Thinking about it now I can see that really I only wanted to hit her BECAUSE I knew it was wrong. In my anger I just wanted to lash out, do something terrible. Is this what my own experience of being disciplined has taught me? Has my adult life done nothing to take away the desire to act bad because I feel out of control and doing something naughty gives me the control back? What a failure.
13 November 2007
Disobedience in a good way
I asked Jenna to stop Morgan from following me as I had a lot of washing to carry and needed to take it upstairs to sort. I thought I'd given really clear instructions, but perhaps too many? "Put the bubbles back now please. I need you to help keep Morgan safe while I go upstairs, so just let her sit with her toys and try to distract her from playing behind the door. You must respect her space!"
When I came down there was no baby behind the door, no crying, no mess... I was shocked - I fully expected to be utterly ignored. Then I saw why they were quietly giggling together. The bubble mix was still out and Jenna was blowing bubbles for Morgan to pop! How could I be cross with her? This is what I like to call, "following the spirit of the instruction but not the substance"!
When I came down there was no baby behind the door, no crying, no mess... I was shocked - I fully expected to be utterly ignored. Then I saw why they were quietly giggling together. The bubble mix was still out and Jenna was blowing bubbles for Morgan to pop! How could I be cross with her? This is what I like to call, "following the spirit of the instruction but not the substance"!
11 November 2007
Nothing at all to say
We planted trees today with Emma and Chris. A lovely cold wintery day, out in the garden and enjoying each others company. These are the days when nothing to write and nothing to say take nothing from the memories. Bliss.
10 November 2007
Jenna prooves that she needs her inhalor
Yesterday Jenna traumatised me by having an asthma attack on the bus. We were in a hurry and I packed the inhalor (with us all the time now as the season to be poorly is upon us) but walked too fast to get to the stop. She was a bit puffed but OK when we got on, but then she had to sit a few seats away from me as it was packed and I could hear her coughing her guts up. She started to wheeze but there were people standing between us now and stupid as it sounds I didn't want to ask them to move, I just called to her to breathe slowly and stay calm...
I don't know how we got through it, it was like a bad dream. When we pushed our way out of there she was still calm and just asked for her "breather". And it was over, and I have never been so scared for her or felt so helpless. Ten minutes later she coughed until she threw up, and we went straight home figuring that it wasn't worth being out in the bitter cold any more even for the sake of getting to swimming.
Morgan is still playing the on and off nursing game. I'm a bit worried she might be weaning or that something might be up with my milk supply. I can't figure it out; she wants to feed but as soon as I put her on she messes about and comes off again. Maybe I'm just being paranoid - this is after all the first time I've just gone with the flow completely. We're sleeping four in a bed too, down to the cough and cold thing, which isn't helping her night feeds! It's a bit squashed and I'm glad for the extra space from the cot. I've been thinking about going to mattresses on the floor but it seems like hassle taking the bed down.
I am definately calmer with Jenna right now, my no shouting plan is mostly based on trying to stop being a child and arguing back at her! I also need to let her own her own feelings a bit more and stop telling her not to feel a certain way. I don't want my no whining rule to turn into, "I don't care if you're unhappy" because I do care... My mantra today has been, "tell me with words" followed by, "I hear you"! I wish Martin would hold me to this though, because he really enables the yelling sometimes. And he seems to come home so very tired.
I don't know how we got through it, it was like a bad dream. When we pushed our way out of there she was still calm and just asked for her "breather". And it was over, and I have never been so scared for her or felt so helpless. Ten minutes later she coughed until she threw up, and we went straight home figuring that it wasn't worth being out in the bitter cold any more even for the sake of getting to swimming.
Morgan is still playing the on and off nursing game. I'm a bit worried she might be weaning or that something might be up with my milk supply. I can't figure it out; she wants to feed but as soon as I put her on she messes about and comes off again. Maybe I'm just being paranoid - this is after all the first time I've just gone with the flow completely. We're sleeping four in a bed too, down to the cough and cold thing, which isn't helping her night feeds! It's a bit squashed and I'm glad for the extra space from the cot. I've been thinking about going to mattresses on the floor but it seems like hassle taking the bed down.
I am definately calmer with Jenna right now, my no shouting plan is mostly based on trying to stop being a child and arguing back at her! I also need to let her own her own feelings a bit more and stop telling her not to feel a certain way. I don't want my no whining rule to turn into, "I don't care if you're unhappy" because I do care... My mantra today has been, "tell me with words" followed by, "I hear you"! I wish Martin would hold me to this though, because he really enables the yelling sometimes. And he seems to come home so very tired.
8 November 2007
It's not about the MMR
I just feel I need to comment on this whole Chicken Pox vaccine news coverage today. Don’t take this as my willingness to get off the fence (lol) but rather as heartfelt upset at how the non-vaccinating parent is viewed by the rest of the world. Please, my dear and much loved pro-vaccination friends, read this carefully.
It is not about the MMR.
I don’t want to explain to every person who thinks they have an interest in my child’s health that I am not particularly credulous and don’t buy into any cultish fearfulness (on either side of the fence). I personally don’t think it’s likely that vaccines cause autism, though I accept that I may be proven wrong some day. MMR is not “it”. It *isn’t* the only cause of mistrust, and it isn’t the only doubt that is ever raised about the efficacy and sense of the vaccine program.
Thank goodness I am not called on to explain myself in all but the friendliest environment – I would gather from the news programs today that anywhere else I would be seen as both superstitious and careless. As upset as I feel about the misrepresentation of anyone who does not has not or might not accept the CP vaccine, I *was* very interested to hear a representative of the medical profession utter the phrase “there is no risk from vaccines”. And then seconds later say that “it isn’t always effective, no vaccine is, and there are of course sometimes side effects”…
After two days of being confined, we are feeling much better now and are back to operating on shockingly good terms. :) I have had two whole days without shouting and YES today DOES count even though the children were out all morning. :P I am feeling, in the words of a friend of mine with children similar ages, all earth-mothery. I may even make bread.
It is not about the MMR.
I don’t want to explain to every person who thinks they have an interest in my child’s health that I am not particularly credulous and don’t buy into any cultish fearfulness (on either side of the fence). I personally don’t think it’s likely that vaccines cause autism, though I accept that I may be proven wrong some day. MMR is not “it”. It *isn’t* the only cause of mistrust, and it isn’t the only doubt that is ever raised about the efficacy and sense of the vaccine program.
Thank goodness I am not called on to explain myself in all but the friendliest environment – I would gather from the news programs today that anywhere else I would be seen as both superstitious and careless. As upset as I feel about the misrepresentation of anyone who does not has not or might not accept the CP vaccine, I *was* very interested to hear a representative of the medical profession utter the phrase “there is no risk from vaccines”. And then seconds later say that “it isn’t always effective, no vaccine is, and there are of course sometimes side effects”…
After two days of being confined, we are feeling much better now and are back to operating on shockingly good terms. :) I have had two whole days without shouting and YES today DOES count even though the children were out all morning. :P I am feeling, in the words of a friend of mine with children similar ages, all earth-mothery. I may even make bread.
6 November 2007
LURGY!!
We are all really really sick and are confined to the house. It is 1pm and Jenna got up about half an hour ago. Before this she had ventured downstairs only to take herself back to bed with a sick bowl and a cup of hot juice. She is hot and miserable and so is Morgan. Oh, and my knee still flippin hurts.
5 November 2007
Crash Bang Wallop, family all fall down
A couple of nights ago Martin had the most lovely flash of inspiration. He decided that since we’re in a built up area and there were too many fireworks to sleep, we should go for a walk and look at them all. It was so nice, a real family evening.
Morgan has two more clever baby brag/updates. Last night she slept nine hours on only two feeds (whoop!) and also she is “reading” a book we have from the library. She makes chatting noises at some pages and (in line with the story) does the CUTEST little fake baby laugh at others.
Unfortunately all the good is balanced out with some bad. Here is my story about what happens when you fall when babywearing… We were walking through town. When I say “walking” I guess I was the only one actually doing so. Jenna was protesting because she wanted to run off up the escalators and I was preventing her. I am ashamed to say I ended up more or less dragging her kicking and screaming. After a while she started walking properly but asked for a ride on one of those infernal car things. I said we had neither time nor money for one and she threw herself on the floor dramatically. Since we were still walking hand in hand this was a little inconvenient and several things happened at once.
Jenna hit the floor, I tripped, fell, threw the bags away from me and put my arm under to protect Morgan’s head. Jenna got kicked in the head more or less and Morgan hit the floor back first at a rather reduced speed due to one of my palms and the opposite knee absorbing the impact. I sat up.
Jenna was howling. Morgan woke up from being a little squished and protested but not much. I checked her head briefly but was fairly sure she hadn’t hit anything and had only suffered brief pressure around her midriff from my body. However I couldn’t move a great deal and my leg felt quite numb. We were also surrounded by people expecting to find the baby crushed to death or suffering a head injury and giving me a lot of advice about what to do in those cases.
Anyhows we sorted out with all the spectators that the children were fine (and Jenna rather better behaved in total shock at what had just followed her mardy) and that Morgan had not so much as a mark and was in fact trying to go back to sleep (“don’t let her sleep for an hour or so, in case she has concussion”). *sigh*
We were helped to the first aid station (I felt really stupid sitting in a wheelchair) and we discovered that what I had in fact done was not as serious as it could have been. Let’s just say that three ice packs later my knee was still purple and swollen like a turnip and I am now literally black and blue all over.
We promised to go right home on the bus, which we did. The first aid staff were telling me all their horror stories about injuries to children in pushchairs, which made me feel much better, but I really didn’t feel like doing the rest of the jobs we had to do anyway. Plus my knee *really* hurt. I must have been really shaken though – I sat for a good twenty minutes trying to make sense of an advert on the bus.
I was confused by a sign promising, “Action to Die Hard 4.0”, and feeling increasingly frustrated by the obvious missing words. Then of course I removed my mental parenthesis around the film title and realised the pun for/four. I am entertaining the very real possibility that a Stickler like me insisting that the name of the film is a proper noun simply did not occur to the promotions team. I feel alone in a world in which other people do not have to walk around all day puzzling “the tart is WHAT?” when the sign for Strawberry Tart’s appears in a local bakery…
As for Jenna’s take on my awful day, tonight she prayed earnestly, “Lord Jesus please make mummy’s knee get better soon so that she will stop being cross with me!” She told Martin that my leg was “all purpley” because I’d tripped over her when she was “being cross on the floor”. She also told him, “don’t worry thought it will be alright, because I’ve prayed for it now.”
Morgan has two more clever baby brag/updates. Last night she slept nine hours on only two feeds (whoop!) and also she is “reading” a book we have from the library. She makes chatting noises at some pages and (in line with the story) does the CUTEST little fake baby laugh at others.
Unfortunately all the good is balanced out with some bad. Here is my story about what happens when you fall when babywearing… We were walking through town. When I say “walking” I guess I was the only one actually doing so. Jenna was protesting because she wanted to run off up the escalators and I was preventing her. I am ashamed to say I ended up more or less dragging her kicking and screaming. After a while she started walking properly but asked for a ride on one of those infernal car things. I said we had neither time nor money for one and she threw herself on the floor dramatically. Since we were still walking hand in hand this was a little inconvenient and several things happened at once.
Jenna hit the floor, I tripped, fell, threw the bags away from me and put my arm under to protect Morgan’s head. Jenna got kicked in the head more or less and Morgan hit the floor back first at a rather reduced speed due to one of my palms and the opposite knee absorbing the impact. I sat up.
Jenna was howling. Morgan woke up from being a little squished and protested but not much. I checked her head briefly but was fairly sure she hadn’t hit anything and had only suffered brief pressure around her midriff from my body. However I couldn’t move a great deal and my leg felt quite numb. We were also surrounded by people expecting to find the baby crushed to death or suffering a head injury and giving me a lot of advice about what to do in those cases.
Anyhows we sorted out with all the spectators that the children were fine (and Jenna rather better behaved in total shock at what had just followed her mardy) and that Morgan had not so much as a mark and was in fact trying to go back to sleep (“don’t let her sleep for an hour or so, in case she has concussion”). *sigh*
We were helped to the first aid station (I felt really stupid sitting in a wheelchair) and we discovered that what I had in fact done was not as serious as it could have been. Let’s just say that three ice packs later my knee was still purple and swollen like a turnip and I am now literally black and blue all over.
We promised to go right home on the bus, which we did. The first aid staff were telling me all their horror stories about injuries to children in pushchairs, which made me feel much better, but I really didn’t feel like doing the rest of the jobs we had to do anyway. Plus my knee *really* hurt. I must have been really shaken though – I sat for a good twenty minutes trying to make sense of an advert on the bus.
I was confused by a sign promising, “Action to Die Hard 4.0”, and feeling increasingly frustrated by the obvious missing words. Then of course I removed my mental parenthesis around the film title and realised the pun for/four. I am entertaining the very real possibility that a Stickler like me insisting that the name of the film is a proper noun simply did not occur to the promotions team. I feel alone in a world in which other people do not have to walk around all day puzzling “the tart is WHAT?” when the sign for Strawberry Tart’s appears in a local bakery…
As for Jenna’s take on my awful day, tonight she prayed earnestly, “Lord Jesus please make mummy’s knee get better soon so that she will stop being cross with me!” She told Martin that my leg was “all purpley” because I’d tripped over her when she was “being cross on the floor”. She also told him, “don’t worry thought it will be alright, because I’ve prayed for it now.”
2 November 2007
Short hair on my big baby and tears on the little one
Yuck this morning was not fun. As I left Morgan playing on the park with Chris while I went to befriending, I heard her cry. What to do? Let down the person who desperately needs my help? Ignore the needs of my tiny for the first time in her short life?
I fretted all the way down the road before turning back to go get her. When I got within sight I could see her playing and hear that all was well. Phew. I hope that dilemma doesn’t come up again. :(
I have cut Jenna’s hair also and am in mourning for her baby curls. The new hair is fab but not the same, and far shorter than I envisioned. The daily traumas of raising tots!
Last update for today, Morgan signed “stop” to Jenna this morning as she advanced to grab something. It was the first time she has purposefully signed something to Jenna, and Jenna respected it too. I couldn’t believe my eyes…
I fretted all the way down the road before turning back to go get her. When I got within sight I could see her playing and hear that all was well. Phew. I hope that dilemma doesn’t come up again. :(
I have cut Jenna’s hair also and am in mourning for her baby curls. The new hair is fab but not the same, and far shorter than I envisioned. The daily traumas of raising tots!
Last update for today, Morgan signed “stop” to Jenna this morning as she advanced to grab something. It was the first time she has purposefully signed something to Jenna, and Jenna respected it too. I couldn’t believe my eyes…
1 November 2007
Time passing by and good stuff to come
How on earth can there be only two months left to the year? It’s not far from Morgan’s birthday, she’s almost 11 months and it’s NOT OK! She’s still my baby – though I remember at the same age/stage with Jenna feeling that she was really very grown up and more a toddler than a baby.
I’m feeling well and happy and connected. Jenna is doing great – or more likely my attitude means the little developmental issues aren’t bothering me! I read something nice today – “Children aren’t naughty, they’re just young.”
I got a little annoyed with something I got the other day at Soft Play (no dramatic clap of thunder for that I guess lol). I was asked, no doubt in all good faith, “So, you’re still enjoying breastfeeding then?” Um… Not really no – but I’m not doing it for fun! I didn’t know what to say. I think I muttered something about her enjoying it and that being enough reason. I don’t hate breastfeeding, and sometimes there are the lovely squishy emotions but normally? I do it because it isn’t an optional extra to me it’s the bare minimum I can do since I have the capability.
I’m feeling well and happy and connected. Jenna is doing great – or more likely my attitude means the little developmental issues aren’t bothering me! I read something nice today – “Children aren’t naughty, they’re just young.”
I got a little annoyed with something I got the other day at Soft Play (no dramatic clap of thunder for that I guess lol). I was asked, no doubt in all good faith, “So, you’re still enjoying breastfeeding then?” Um… Not really no – but I’m not doing it for fun! I didn’t know what to say. I think I muttered something about her enjoying it and that being enough reason. I don’t hate breastfeeding, and sometimes there are the lovely squishy emotions but normally? I do it because it isn’t an optional extra to me it’s the bare minimum I can do since I have the capability.
31 October 2007
My Baby Caterpillar
Last night Morgan fell asleep on me as usual and as I stroked her back and head I realised that I could feel every tiny bone of her little baby spine. It all flooded in – how fragile she is and how temporary, how even tomorrow she will be fractionally less mine. It almost crippled me for a moment, a brief second of mind numbing terror, a crushing weight of responsibility. It would be impossible to parent at all if that thought always loomed so large.
This afternoon Jenna climbed into my lap for a cuddle and fell asleep. How long has it been since she last did that? Months, at least. She outruns me; as soon as I catch up with who she is, her needs and thoughts and dreams, she is already further on, further off. When I was very barely pregnant with her and had just started feeling her move I wrote a simple little poem. I think of it often at the moment.
My Baby Caterpillar
I am a chrysalis
I will be cast off
I am just a mother
You will be a butterfly
This afternoon Jenna climbed into my lap for a cuddle and fell asleep. How long has it been since she last did that? Months, at least. She outruns me; as soon as I catch up with who she is, her needs and thoughts and dreams, she is already further on, further off. When I was very barely pregnant with her and had just started feeling her move I wrote a simple little poem. I think of it often at the moment.
My Baby Caterpillar
I am a chrysalis
I will be cast off
I am just a mother
You will be a butterfly
28 October 2007
Money worries and shopping lists
SO today is the day we should have been paid. Only it’s Sunday so they didn’t and we’re going to be paid late. Which inevitably means I’m thinking more about bills than anything else. My budget is sound though, and we should be able to do another couple of things off our important-things-to-spend-money-on-if-we-have-it list. It isn’t a long list but it will take a while still!
We could do with some bokashi compost bins so we can deal with cooked food waste. We want a swing seat for the garden (but that’s at the bottom of the list currently). I need a sewing machine – currently operating on a serger only which is fab but not really adequate for making clothes and I’m sick of having so many nearly-finished projects. The things that actually WILL be done this month are – warm outer stuff for Jenna when I spot some in second hand shops… Bike, also for Jenna (a running bike as she is so ready to be off baby trikes now). Maybe a couple of new books. Certainly not a new sling *sigh* as I do have slings lol. I’d ask for more wraps for Christmas but I don’t think anyone will take that seriously. ;)
I am broody. But I really can’t think like that. Morgan is teeny and feeding a lot, and that’s that. Come on, Sarah, you’re not ready for another one yet. I’m expecting another long cycle though as I haven’t ovulated yet. This is way too much information for some people who read this but *shrugs* I know there are chart stalkers out there too…
We borrowed mums car today so we got to Church – and have had a relaxed afternoon with Emma and Chris too. Martin has to get up early to take it back to her but it has been so handy to have it again. He has almost stopped talking about getting a new car of our own though; I think there is just too much else going on right now. It’s a good job because our intentions of saving have been waylaid by other things we needed! One day. Maybe.
We could do with some bokashi compost bins so we can deal with cooked food waste. We want a swing seat for the garden (but that’s at the bottom of the list currently). I need a sewing machine – currently operating on a serger only which is fab but not really adequate for making clothes and I’m sick of having so many nearly-finished projects. The things that actually WILL be done this month are – warm outer stuff for Jenna when I spot some in second hand shops… Bike, also for Jenna (a running bike as she is so ready to be off baby trikes now). Maybe a couple of new books. Certainly not a new sling *sigh* as I do have slings lol. I’d ask for more wraps for Christmas but I don’t think anyone will take that seriously. ;)
I am broody. But I really can’t think like that. Morgan is teeny and feeding a lot, and that’s that. Come on, Sarah, you’re not ready for another one yet. I’m expecting another long cycle though as I haven’t ovulated yet. This is way too much information for some people who read this but *shrugs* I know there are chart stalkers out there too…
We borrowed mums car today so we got to Church – and have had a relaxed afternoon with Emma and Chris too. Martin has to get up early to take it back to her but it has been so handy to have it again. He has almost stopped talking about getting a new car of our own though; I think there is just too much else going on right now. It’s a good job because our intentions of saving have been waylaid by other things we needed! One day. Maybe.
27 October 2007
Exercise, the benefits of
We all went swimming earlier – it was a free day at the gym so Jenna did a class while I went and did yoga with mum and then we all had a swim. The class was amazing, I feel so relaxed (lol, normally do yoga with two little monkeys helping) and I was quite shocked at how aware I am of what I’m doing, I’ve never used a mirror so I was expecting to be quite wonky and to have dramatically misinterpreted some of the poses from the books I’ve used. So I’m feeling a little bit smug.
And I’m further reassured that the furore about yoga and the church is another case of “everything is permissible for me but not everything is beneficial”. I’m sure some people will feel that for them to do yoga they would be worshiping another god or participating in another faith. But honestly I’m not thinking about anything other than stretching my body and trying to achieve better posture and greater mindfulness of my movement and breathing when I’m doing it! And that’s enough to engage my brain to full capacity most of the time… I don’t think doing a bridge will free my mind to solutions in a crisis but hey, each to their own.
I’ve meant to mention all that for a while, mostly because I get funny looks from a minority of people when I say that I do yoga with the children because they know I’m a Christian. But I see yoga and my faith to be as compatible as, for example, dance and my faith (there have been various points in history when that would have been seen as risky and borderline-evil for me to say too). And I still bellydance. God made me. My body glorifies Him.
Change of topic – my house is a tip already. I have been doing really well at keeping it looking like a place I’d actually want to live (shockingly) but today I came home to find those efforts trampled by a visiting toddler. Ah well, I got some help to put it mostly to rights. Maybe next weekend I’ll be able to get it back to how it has been most of the month, but I’d guess that the washing is going to take me a long while to catch up with first.
Does anyone else using cloth nappies find that they have weeks when they only really remember to put the nappies through and then there is a backlog of clothes and towels and stuff? It’s like my brain goes, “oh it’s OK, I washed the nappies” and then I realise there’s a pile of stuff still waiting to go in… On the whole though, I’m feeling full of bounce and vitality. :)
And I’m further reassured that the furore about yoga and the church is another case of “everything is permissible for me but not everything is beneficial”. I’m sure some people will feel that for them to do yoga they would be worshiping another god or participating in another faith. But honestly I’m not thinking about anything other than stretching my body and trying to achieve better posture and greater mindfulness of my movement and breathing when I’m doing it! And that’s enough to engage my brain to full capacity most of the time… I don’t think doing a bridge will free my mind to solutions in a crisis but hey, each to their own.
I’ve meant to mention all that for a while, mostly because I get funny looks from a minority of people when I say that I do yoga with the children because they know I’m a Christian. But I see yoga and my faith to be as compatible as, for example, dance and my faith (there have been various points in history when that would have been seen as risky and borderline-evil for me to say too). And I still bellydance. God made me. My body glorifies Him.
Change of topic – my house is a tip already. I have been doing really well at keeping it looking like a place I’d actually want to live (shockingly) but today I came home to find those efforts trampled by a visiting toddler. Ah well, I got some help to put it mostly to rights. Maybe next weekend I’ll be able to get it back to how it has been most of the month, but I’d guess that the washing is going to take me a long while to catch up with first.
Does anyone else using cloth nappies find that they have weeks when they only really remember to put the nappies through and then there is a backlog of clothes and towels and stuff? It’s like my brain goes, “oh it’s OK, I washed the nappies” and then I realise there’s a pile of stuff still waiting to go in… On the whole though, I’m feeling full of bounce and vitality. :)
25 October 2007
Excuses for not writing much
You know I really feel so much better about Jenna and how I deal with her when she has been away for an hour or two. It’s a good job she’s so needing that time too or I don’t know how we’d cope with each other. Another befriending session this morning and both girls were angelic for my in-laws. In fact they have both been lovely for me too – and I got a good nights sleep last night! All is well with the world.
I am finding that the urge to write is at a pretty low ebb right now. Not because I’m too busy to sit and talk out what I’ve been up to and what stages we’re dealing with, but more because when we’re really busy there’s less to tell. I feel a bit like the diary turns into days of “we did XYZ and it was all really lovely” followed by a couple of days of “I can’t cope, aaargh” and back to “doing XYZ again and I love my life!”
I honestly do think like this. And it really is a roller coaster. Maybe everyone else with little people is the same? Answers on a postcard…
I am finding that the urge to write is at a pretty low ebb right now. Not because I’m too busy to sit and talk out what I’ve been up to and what stages we’re dealing with, but more because when we’re really busy there’s less to tell. I feel a bit like the diary turns into days of “we did XYZ and it was all really lovely” followed by a couple of days of “I can’t cope, aaargh” and back to “doing XYZ again and I love my life!”
I honestly do think like this. And it really is a roller coaster. Maybe everyone else with little people is the same? Answers on a postcard…
21 October 2007
Things you wish you hadn't said
My little big girl was all sick and feverish yesterday. :( She seems over it now but it’s still always hard to see her poorly. We are getting everything that’s going around as usual. I’ve been pretty impatient today and hurrying Jenna along – very mean given that she’s not been herself. I would try to excuse it with saying that I’m ill too but I really have to be the grownup here.
I threatened to smack her last week. It was a stupid thing to say and I’m so glad she didn’t call my bluff. But once the word is out there… I wish I could take it back as it has really had an impact on her and she has told plenty of people that I actually smacked her. I suppose in her mind I might as well have. It’s all very sad and I’m hurriedly re-reading some of my helpful books to try to replace the threats with a more useful way of communicating my frustration with her.
We had had such a good week too! And all of the holding back from shouting and co-operative discipline and I go and suggest that I’ll smack her if she pulls Morgan off the table one more time.
I threatened to smack her last week. It was a stupid thing to say and I’m so glad she didn’t call my bluff. But once the word is out there… I wish I could take it back as it has really had an impact on her and she has told plenty of people that I actually smacked her. I suppose in her mind I might as well have. It’s all very sad and I’m hurriedly re-reading some of my helpful books to try to replace the threats with a more useful way of communicating my frustration with her.
We had had such a good week too! And all of the holding back from shouting and co-operative discipline and I go and suggest that I’ll smack her if she pulls Morgan off the table one more time.
19 October 2007
More sleep updates and first thoughts on Westfield
Morgan has really not been sleeping. Last night she was awake almost hourly and she can’t be cold in the middle of my bed with PJs and blankets! It crossed my mind that it might be me moving that disturbs her but perhaps it’s the usual (that she isn’t eating a huge amount of solids or drinking much during the day). She likes to reconnect at night. I’ve just enjoyed the week of unbroken nights WAY too much.
We’ve been to look at the new shopping centre (I hated it the first time and I’m not really warming to it any) – it’s so big and impersonal and noisy. There is one thing that Jenna likes though. There is a little play area, really nice imaginative soft play. It’s open sided and that’s the one thing that puts me off a lot. It’s such nice equipment but the enclosure is so low I’m petrified the whole time we’re in there that someone could just put an arm over the side and pluck a child out. It torments me.
Oh for a world that was safe and secure, where my little girl could play without my first thought being accessibility to predators. *sigh* Anyhow, I’m sure I’ll be ranting more in future about the shopping centre so I’ll leave it at those unhappy thoughts. Perhaps I’ll warm to it when it’s quieter and easier for me to supervise Jenna in there!
One nice thing that has happened this week is that we’ve had two lots of photos of the girls, taken very cheaply and paid for by someone else. It’s nice to have a special record of them, of us and our growing family. One luxury we could live without but it’s still nice to have the financial means to do. I don’t think I would choose to live without a camera either. Trust me to have thought about it and weighed up both sides. ;)
We’ve been to look at the new shopping centre (I hated it the first time and I’m not really warming to it any) – it’s so big and impersonal and noisy. There is one thing that Jenna likes though. There is a little play area, really nice imaginative soft play. It’s open sided and that’s the one thing that puts me off a lot. It’s such nice equipment but the enclosure is so low I’m petrified the whole time we’re in there that someone could just put an arm over the side and pluck a child out. It torments me.
Oh for a world that was safe and secure, where my little girl could play without my first thought being accessibility to predators. *sigh* Anyhow, I’m sure I’ll be ranting more in future about the shopping centre so I’ll leave it at those unhappy thoughts. Perhaps I’ll warm to it when it’s quieter and easier for me to supervise Jenna in there!
One nice thing that has happened this week is that we’ve had two lots of photos of the girls, taken very cheaply and paid for by someone else. It’s nice to have a special record of them, of us and our growing family. One luxury we could live without but it’s still nice to have the financial means to do. I don’t think I would choose to live without a camera either. Trust me to have thought about it and weighed up both sides. ;)
18 October 2007
Missing the children!
Morgan has been gone for nearly 6 hours. I am bereft, lonely, torn. And also very proud. I thought she would maybe manage two hours but she’s only just coming home now at 3pm and she left before ten this morning! The house is so quiet. I can tell you with her wanting someone other than me I appreciate how much contact we have the rest of the time (often not at my choosing). I feel sometimes now like she’s always in my space and I want for her to not need me so much, and here I have my wish and I’m complaining.
I keep being told to enjoy it but it’s just like being on a different planet. It’s like being half-naked too without the sling. I might go and put on an empty wrap just to feel dressed. ;) It has one benefit so far really, this baby-free day. I have made so much jewellery I should have some nice Christmas money coming from the stall soon. :)
I keep being told to enjoy it but it’s just like being on a different planet. It’s like being half-naked too without the sling. I might go and put on an empty wrap just to feel dressed. ;) It has one benefit so far really, this baby-free day. I have made so much jewellery I should have some nice Christmas money coming from the stall soon. :)
16 October 2007
Absentee
I’m really not keeping up with the boards at the moment. I don’t feel uncomfortably stretched but I do feel busy. At least at the moment I’m not torturing myself about whether being “busy” means the children are suffering. If this is what the continuum concept means by living a full and active life in the community then maybe it’s all good for them!
This week I’ve been totally on top of the world with Jenna. I’ve got my little girl back and we’re not yelling at each other (often). She is very precocious sometimes and is good at debate so sometimes I really am just realising that there needs to be more give and take in the relationship and I have to stop giving orders unless it’s an emergency. How important ARE the things I nag about?
We’re getting the balance right, and she’s respecting me more for it. In fact, when I do tell her to do something or explain how something works she often listens better because she doesn’t think I’m fussing or being mean. It’s a real relief. Though don’t ask me on one of her deaf days because I won’t paint such a pleasant picture, those days drive me *crazy*.
Soft play today and Sophia hurt her arm. Jenna has been worried about her since we got home and keeps asking if we can ring her to ask if she’s OK. I think she wanted them to come back to play so it was a really big blow. I bet she asks to pray for her later (cutie).
This week I’ve been totally on top of the world with Jenna. I’ve got my little girl back and we’re not yelling at each other (often). She is very precocious sometimes and is good at debate so sometimes I really am just realising that there needs to be more give and take in the relationship and I have to stop giving orders unless it’s an emergency. How important ARE the things I nag about?
We’re getting the balance right, and she’s respecting me more for it. In fact, when I do tell her to do something or explain how something works she often listens better because she doesn’t think I’m fussing or being mean. It’s a real relief. Though don’t ask me on one of her deaf days because I won’t paint such a pleasant picture, those days drive me *crazy*.
Soft play today and Sophia hurt her arm. Jenna has been worried about her since we got home and keeps asking if we can ring her to ask if she’s OK. I think she wanted them to come back to play so it was a really big blow. I bet she asks to pray for her later (cutie).
12 October 2007
Hormone central still
Things are a little better – with both of them – but I’m still quite fragile. I keep bursting into tears and I’m trying very hard not to let Jenna see because I don’t want it to turn into emotional blackmail. When she says no I just feel boiling mad and then… Heartbroken. Like her refusing to do what I want means that I’m a failure and she’s a horrible child and everything is awful!
It’s pathetic. I need hugs. I really hope this passes soon because Jenna is actually trying really hard to listen and she is being so sweet and kind. That makes it kind of worse because then when she does dig her heels in rather than working out how to deal with it I just feel like we’re always fighting rather than seeing it as a teeny tiny blip.
It’s pathetic. I need hugs. I really hope this passes soon because Jenna is actually trying really hard to listen and she is being so sweet and kind. That makes it kind of worse because then when she does dig her heels in rather than working out how to deal with it I just feel like we’re always fighting rather than seeing it as a teeny tiny blip.
10 October 2007
On making threats to stop being AP
Some people woke up lively this morning. I was NOT one of those people. We have been clashing quite a bit today. Yes, my aim is to help her grow self-controls and to impose limits that protect her physically and emotionally. But sometimes I really would just go for squashing her and making her less inconvenient!
Again it feels a lot like I’m blaming Jenna because Morgan is being wakeful and I know I can’t be angry with her… Not to mention that Morgan is being very persistent when she finds something I don’t want her to do – which is what she’s designed to do admittedly. It’s just that when Jenna does it to and I have to keep removing her and making things happen when she refuses to do what I ask!!! I feel like I have two pre-toddlers getting into stuff and I resent having to treat Jenna like a baby when I know she CAN do what I need her to.
I’m periodically threatening Morgan with cots and buggies and formula. I’m periodically threatening Jenna with time out. I have to get a grip.
Again it feels a lot like I’m blaming Jenna because Morgan is being wakeful and I know I can’t be angry with her… Not to mention that Morgan is being very persistent when she finds something I don’t want her to do – which is what she’s designed to do admittedly. It’s just that when Jenna does it to and I have to keep removing her and making things happen when she refuses to do what I ask!!! I feel like I have two pre-toddlers getting into stuff and I resent having to treat Jenna like a baby when I know she CAN do what I need her to.
I’m periodically threatening Morgan with cots and buggies and formula. I’m periodically threatening Jenna with time out. I have to get a grip.
8 October 2007
Planning for baby number three?
So *sigh of relief* my period is back. Albeit a month overdue, and very heavy. I was feeling worried about pregnancy all week, and guilty that I was worrying (in case I was pregnant and the baby construed it as not being wanted). I actually do really want another baby, and I really feel like it would be an OK time for me to be pregnant, and I really have been broody. But Morgan would miss out, I’m sure of it, because I’m already feeling stretched.
Some people are so ready for a small gap, but this time I couldn’t handle it. Between Morgan and Jenna it would have been fine, but it has been a big adjustment. Not going from one to two, but going from two (one in arms) to two mobile ones! Let’s not add a baby into the mix again yet. Not til I find my feet with two toddlers.
It does raise the question as to when we will start trying to conceive though. I have been thinking and I don’t feel a lot of urgency (obviously) but I don’t want a gap bigger than three or four years. I suppose my ideal gap between Morgan and the next would be three years. As long as Morgan isn’t as difficult a three as Jenna was to start with and can still sometimes be…
It’s impossible. There is no way to tell what would be best – for me, for him, for the children, for the new baby… Not for any of us. I think maybe anything goes after the next few months and if we make it to spring without another due date on the horizon then we’ll just quit worrying about contraception altogether and see what happens.
Some people are so ready for a small gap, but this time I couldn’t handle it. Between Morgan and Jenna it would have been fine, but it has been a big adjustment. Not going from one to two, but going from two (one in arms) to two mobile ones! Let’s not add a baby into the mix again yet. Not til I find my feet with two toddlers.
It does raise the question as to when we will start trying to conceive though. I have been thinking and I don’t feel a lot of urgency (obviously) but I don’t want a gap bigger than three or four years. I suppose my ideal gap between Morgan and the next would be three years. As long as Morgan isn’t as difficult a three as Jenna was to start with and can still sometimes be…
It’s impossible. There is no way to tell what would be best – for me, for him, for the children, for the new baby… Not for any of us. I think maybe anything goes after the next few months and if we make it to spring without another due date on the horizon then we’ll just quit worrying about contraception altogether and see what happens.
7 October 2007
Feeling good about my body but also eating junk lol
Harvest has been a lot of fun this year – mostly because we actually DID harvest something. The garden has been such a huge adventure, and I’m really proud of it. We’ve been to Church and had the “bring and share” meal today. In the end we made corn bread with pumpkin, lemon curd tart, apple pie, and popcorn. Then we were given a lift home by mum, who has taken Jenna off swimming and left us at home with a plate of leftover cake, which I am not planning on sharing with anyone.
I don’t know why but I really have the sugar cravings at the moment, which is not the way to ensure I have a balanced diet for Morgan and me. I guess Morgan is still almost exclusively breastfed – she certainly gets more calories from me than anywhere else, but she really does love to play with food (and mostly throw it on the floor afterwards). Plus the cold weather… I guess it doesn’t matter that much, and I don’t often get twinges of guilt about eating badly (either because I’m eating well or because I can look at my reflection without wincing).
Call it healthy self-confidence but although I’m thoroughly a 14-16 and not at all the size ten I was once, I look at myself in the mirror most days and think “yay, I have curves!”. And I only fret a little bit (when I have eaten sugary things usually) that I have a saggy stomach still. It took me til Jenna was two and I was six months pregnant to be a size 10-12 again last time – and without any effort on my part - so I’m taking it easy again.
Morgan has found a new game this week, the telephone. She talks to people and really seems to pay attention to what this strange contraption tells her. She also picks it up when nobody is there and says, “hiyeah, yeah, yeah, hiyeah” into it. I’m fairly sure that she’s mimicking “hiyah” and “yeah” but can’t work out which is appropriate. She certainly copies a lot of noises at the moment.
I don’t know why but I really have the sugar cravings at the moment, which is not the way to ensure I have a balanced diet for Morgan and me. I guess Morgan is still almost exclusively breastfed – she certainly gets more calories from me than anywhere else, but she really does love to play with food (and mostly throw it on the floor afterwards). Plus the cold weather… I guess it doesn’t matter that much, and I don’t often get twinges of guilt about eating badly (either because I’m eating well or because I can look at my reflection without wincing).
Call it healthy self-confidence but although I’m thoroughly a 14-16 and not at all the size ten I was once, I look at myself in the mirror most days and think “yay, I have curves!”. And I only fret a little bit (when I have eaten sugary things usually) that I have a saggy stomach still. It took me til Jenna was two and I was six months pregnant to be a size 10-12 again last time – and without any effort on my part - so I’m taking it easy again.
Morgan has found a new game this week, the telephone. She talks to people and really seems to pay attention to what this strange contraption tells her. She also picks it up when nobody is there and says, “hiyeah, yeah, yeah, hiyeah” into it. I’m fairly sure that she’s mimicking “hiyah” and “yeah” but can’t work out which is appropriate. She certainly copies a lot of noises at the moment.
6 October 2007
A day-in-the-life of unschooling a three-year-old human whirlwind.
Today has been one of those days when Jenna just seems to be inspired. From where, I have no idea, but she is just full of ideas. In fact I’m quite glad she’s asleep now because we’re worn out from all the things she has thought of for us to do. ;) So here it is;
8am – She spreads the jam on our toast and pours the cereal and milk.
8.10am – She decides that we should do some cutting and sticking. She has mastered tracing her hand and is making a tree from handprints. I help her write a thankfulness prayer on each.
8.30am – We have been looking at a chart and talking about leaf shapes. She is trying to guess what kind of trees are in our garden so we take the chart outside. She wants to make a thankyou card for friends so we come back in again to do that.
9am – The paper colours remind her of fire so she wants to make a cardboard fire. We experiment and build something that pleases her a lot. Then we draw fires with chalk and crayon and pencil. She decides which medium she prefers – chalk.
9.30 am – She is busy with the rest of the gold card and I ask her what she’s doing – making a harvest crown with paper leaves stuck on it. She asks if I can find some jewels, which I can’t but promise to try to buy some another time.
10am – We have a long and involved talk about farming methods as we are looking for more chickens and she doesn’t know what “battery” means in any other context than what we put in the camera to make it work.
10.30am – We are harvesting tomatoes and courgettes in the garden and she decides to collect some leaves for pictures. We slow roast the vegetables for pasta sauce and talk about what to cook for harvest bring and share.
11am – She is dressed up as a butterfly and draws insects. She brings the bug net and wants me to catch her in it.
1pm – After lunch we make our sauce in the blender. She watches CITV and makes brick towers “like Pocoyo”.
1.20pm – We make jewellery and she strings all her wooden beads (a birthday present) and then wears her new necklace with the butterfly costume.
1.30pm – She asks for more beads so we talk about making some. I promise to buy pasta tubes next time we shop so that she can string some of them to make more jewellery. We also try to drill the avocado stone from lunch but it splits.
1.50pm – Jenna makes playdoh ice-cream and playdoh cookies while Morgan has a massage. After a while she comes and wants to massage Lily too so she copies me.
2pm – We have to have a pretend birthday party and “eat” the playdoh food.
2.30pm – She helps me pour her a drink and then helps me tidy up before she has a nap.
2.40pm – She is chased up to bed and stomps about on the landing for a few minutes before I call up to her and tell her that if she just lies down for a rest she can come down soon.
4.20pm – Jenna bounces downstairs saying she had a nice sleep and feeds her doll some “soup”.
4.30pm – She seems to be telling Lily about the leaves in her poster. She asks if she can paint a fire to keep herself warm.
5pm – In the bath after painting she invents a new tree called a Spaghetti tree with red leaves. She teaches Morgan how to blow into the bath flutes.
5.20pm – Jenna plays at flying in her towel. I show her a parachute made from a nappy and she plays with it for a while.
5.35pm – She is back in Butterfly mode and is flying/dancing.
5.45pm – She measures the pasta for tea. Daddy gets home!
8am – She spreads the jam on our toast and pours the cereal and milk.
8.10am – She decides that we should do some cutting and sticking. She has mastered tracing her hand and is making a tree from handprints. I help her write a thankfulness prayer on each.
8.30am – We have been looking at a chart and talking about leaf shapes. She is trying to guess what kind of trees are in our garden so we take the chart outside. She wants to make a thankyou card for friends so we come back in again to do that.
9am – The paper colours remind her of fire so she wants to make a cardboard fire. We experiment and build something that pleases her a lot. Then we draw fires with chalk and crayon and pencil. She decides which medium she prefers – chalk.
9.30 am – She is busy with the rest of the gold card and I ask her what she’s doing – making a harvest crown with paper leaves stuck on it. She asks if I can find some jewels, which I can’t but promise to try to buy some another time.
10am – We have a long and involved talk about farming methods as we are looking for more chickens and she doesn’t know what “battery” means in any other context than what we put in the camera to make it work.
10.30am – We are harvesting tomatoes and courgettes in the garden and she decides to collect some leaves for pictures. We slow roast the vegetables for pasta sauce and talk about what to cook for harvest bring and share.
11am – She is dressed up as a butterfly and draws insects. She brings the bug net and wants me to catch her in it.
1pm – After lunch we make our sauce in the blender. She watches CITV and makes brick towers “like Pocoyo”.
1.20pm – We make jewellery and she strings all her wooden beads (a birthday present) and then wears her new necklace with the butterfly costume.
1.30pm – She asks for more beads so we talk about making some. I promise to buy pasta tubes next time we shop so that she can string some of them to make more jewellery. We also try to drill the avocado stone from lunch but it splits.
1.50pm – Jenna makes playdoh ice-cream and playdoh cookies while Morgan has a massage. After a while she comes and wants to massage Lily too so she copies me.
2pm – We have to have a pretend birthday party and “eat” the playdoh food.
2.30pm – She helps me pour her a drink and then helps me tidy up before she has a nap.
2.40pm – She is chased up to bed and stomps about on the landing for a few minutes before I call up to her and tell her that if she just lies down for a rest she can come down soon.
4.20pm – Jenna bounces downstairs saying she had a nice sleep and feeds her doll some “soup”.
4.30pm – She seems to be telling Lily about the leaves in her poster. She asks if she can paint a fire to keep herself warm.
5pm – In the bath after painting she invents a new tree called a Spaghetti tree with red leaves. She teaches Morgan how to blow into the bath flutes.
5.20pm – Jenna plays at flying in her towel. I show her a parachute made from a nappy and she plays with it for a while.
5.35pm – She is back in Butterfly mode and is flying/dancing.
5.45pm – She measures the pasta for tea. Daddy gets home!
4 October 2007
Hmm another not sure post
Morgan tried out her pushchair for the first time today. I really thought she’d hate it but she was angelic and had just been happy and smiley the whole time. My father in law would be not too steady on his feet with a sling so it was the only way really for him to have her fairly close to me while I was off with the befriending. It feels like the end of an era – no way am I stopping wearing her but still… She has been in a pushchair. Scary.
On the more attached side of attachment parenting, Morgan has slept through twice so far this week and I am feeling shockingly rested. She is so laid back and contented to play now that I have been sewing clothes again. Bliss!
More seriously life-changing is the fact that she might be usurped in nine months time. I haven’t had a sign of a period since mid-August and I’m really niggling about it now. It isn’t really a help that I don’t feel pregnant because I’m not sure how feeling pregnant differs from thinking I am or could be – or which if any of those are more reliable as a sign. I don’t want to test because if I am I’ll be upset that I didn’t trust myself! I really don’t think I am. Oh I really don’t think I want another baby so soon.
On the more attached side of attachment parenting, Morgan has slept through twice so far this week and I am feeling shockingly rested. She is so laid back and contented to play now that I have been sewing clothes again. Bliss!
More seriously life-changing is the fact that she might be usurped in nine months time. I haven’t had a sign of a period since mid-August and I’m really niggling about it now. It isn’t really a help that I don’t feel pregnant because I’m not sure how feeling pregnant differs from thinking I am or could be – or which if any of those are more reliable as a sign. I don’t want to test because if I am I’ll be upset that I didn’t trust myself! I really don’t think I am. Oh I really don’t think I want another baby so soon.
3 October 2007
Crisis on the homestead - the Chickens have been eaten!
Another visit and my client is still not answering the door so I don’t know whether I’ll have any more work to worry about by the end of the week. Strangely after all the worry and stress and saying that I’m not ready to be away from Morgan I really don’t want to give it up. I need to feel like I can do something for somebody who isn’t intimately related to me – not exactly a selfish impulse but perhaps a proud one. I’ve never thought of being a mother as “just” anything but still I want to be useful at something else as well, just for a short while for a few hours a month.
Ah well, out of my hands I guess.
Today we had an awful shock that overwrites anything else I thought I wanted to say. We had a fox come in the night and the coop side door wasn’t properly shut and the rest is history. It wasn’t gory or terrible, and I expected to feel much more upset by it when/if we found them lying there half-eaten… I was more gutted for Jenna than anything.
She cried of course, and said that the naughty fox should have been told a lesson by its mummy not to eat her friends. She also said, jokingly I think, that if the fox comes back in our garden Daddy will smack its bottom (!). Lastly she told me not to worry, that she wouldn’t let the fox get me, and that Delia and Pippin are in heaven now. Rather than discuss the theology of that with her at her age, I just gave her a hug.
She wanted to see the bodies, and not seeing the point in shielding her from death I did. I didn’t let her see the wounds on the bodies though – or the fact that Pippin was missing her head. I really really don’t want her to be the one to find it… Guess I should alert the neighbours too.
Morgan was fascinated – as if this was a game that her feathery friends were playing and she was waiting for the joke, for them to leap up and peck at her fingers while she laughed like only a baby can. After a few minutes Jenna went back inside (shouting, “byebye chickens!”) and although she’s subdued she doesn’t seem too miserable. She won’t let me hug her again though.
The coop will have to be empty now until the spring time when we can buy some new hens. It’s strange and empty and I keep getting up to check on them as I type, or thinking I can hear them clucking in impatience wanting to be let out. I really miss them, and it has only been a day. They were part of my life, in just a few short months.
Ah well, out of my hands I guess.
Today we had an awful shock that overwrites anything else I thought I wanted to say. We had a fox come in the night and the coop side door wasn’t properly shut and the rest is history. It wasn’t gory or terrible, and I expected to feel much more upset by it when/if we found them lying there half-eaten… I was more gutted for Jenna than anything.
She cried of course, and said that the naughty fox should have been told a lesson by its mummy not to eat her friends. She also said, jokingly I think, that if the fox comes back in our garden Daddy will smack its bottom (!). Lastly she told me not to worry, that she wouldn’t let the fox get me, and that Delia and Pippin are in heaven now. Rather than discuss the theology of that with her at her age, I just gave her a hug.
She wanted to see the bodies, and not seeing the point in shielding her from death I did. I didn’t let her see the wounds on the bodies though – or the fact that Pippin was missing her head. I really really don’t want her to be the one to find it… Guess I should alert the neighbours too.
Morgan was fascinated – as if this was a game that her feathery friends were playing and she was waiting for the joke, for them to leap up and peck at her fingers while she laughed like only a baby can. After a few minutes Jenna went back inside (shouting, “byebye chickens!”) and although she’s subdued she doesn’t seem too miserable. She won’t let me hug her again though.
The coop will have to be empty now until the spring time when we can buy some new hens. It’s strange and empty and I keep getting up to check on them as I type, or thinking I can hear them clucking in impatience wanting to be let out. I really miss them, and it has only been a day. They were part of my life, in just a few short months.
30 September 2007
Hiccup or halt?
Befriending isn’t going so well, my client isn’t answering the door to me (can’t help but take THAT personally) and although Morgan is still fine with being left I’m finding babysitters hard to come by since my mum has broken her toe and I don’t want the baby to cause it further pain.
In other news I am making industrial quantities of soup of all kinds. Yum. Home-grown slow roasted tomatoes anyone?
In other news I am making industrial quantities of soup of all kinds. Yum. Home-grown slow roasted tomatoes anyone?
20 September 2007
Getting used to being home and not so bad as all that
We’re getting acclimatised to home again. I will admit, it was good to walk in that front door and feel that this is MY place, my very own and totally comfortable to us. It’s great to see the garden again, and the chickens especially (lovely fat clucking things). My tomatoes are huge and I have lots of baby courgettes coming too. And potatoes to harvest. Fab. :)
The befriending went wonderfully again, and confidence is temporarily restored. I feel silly all over again for my panic and yet I guess it shows that it’s me and not her who isn’t ready to be past babyhood. She is a very contented little thing. Although she has really stopped sleeping and is feeding hourly at night. It could be worse, she could be sleeping in another room and I could be having to get up to her!
Today I had a real clash of cultures at the gym. I tried to put Jenna in the play area for half an hour! What they want is for me to leave her in the baby area and perhaps, if numbers are right, she will go on the play gym. I explained that I’m not using it as childcare, and if the ratios aren’t right I won’t put her in, I am right there in the café and I do not need a crèche.
They have never been asked before to give information upfront on where the child will be, and clearly think that there is no difference between the crèche and the full-size soft play (trust me, from a 3yo perspective, there is!). When I ask for her to be brought back to me if she can’t go on the soft play they look at me as if I were leaving instructions for her to be flogged on the hour every hour.
I despair, they say that she CAN use the big play area, and off she goes. She tells me, don’t worry mummy, if they put me in with the babies I’ll scream and scream for you.
The befriending went wonderfully again, and confidence is temporarily restored. I feel silly all over again for my panic and yet I guess it shows that it’s me and not her who isn’t ready to be past babyhood. She is a very contented little thing. Although she has really stopped sleeping and is feeding hourly at night. It could be worse, she could be sleeping in another room and I could be having to get up to her!
Today I had a real clash of cultures at the gym. I tried to put Jenna in the play area for half an hour! What they want is for me to leave her in the baby area and perhaps, if numbers are right, she will go on the play gym. I explained that I’m not using it as childcare, and if the ratios aren’t right I won’t put her in, I am right there in the café and I do not need a crèche.
They have never been asked before to give information upfront on where the child will be, and clearly think that there is no difference between the crèche and the full-size soft play (trust me, from a 3yo perspective, there is!). When I ask for her to be brought back to me if she can’t go on the soft play they look at me as if I were leaving instructions for her to be flogged on the hour every hour.
I despair, they say that she CAN use the big play area, and off she goes. She tells me, don’t worry mummy, if they put me in with the babies I’ll scream and scream for you.
15 September 2007
Don’t talk to me about pathetic fallacy.
It’s tipping it down. Proper, heavy, grey water from the black skies in bucketloads. I do not want to go home. I do not want to be in the city, to see brick again, to be deprived of fresh air, to see a hundered cars and identical terraced houses before I’m five minutes from my front door. I do not want to miss my family again; I have enjoyed having my mother-in-law next door and I don’t want Martin to go back to work.
I especially don’t want to be desperately seeking a babysitter for Morgan, who I am not ready to leave, to do a job I suddenly feel horrendously unequipped and emotionally unavailable for. What am I doing? I can’t help anyone, specifically, one to one and professionally. I’m scared. What if my baby cries for the whole time I’m off attempting a job I don’t think I can do?
I have four days to find someone to take her for an hour. If I can’t, I will have to horribly and humiliatingly admit defeat and let this poor client down whilst proving everyone right about taking me on with a small baby. If I can then I will have to horribly and humiliatingly crash and burn in the care sector with nobody to blame. What am I doing?
I especially don’t want to be desperately seeking a babysitter for Morgan, who I am not ready to leave, to do a job I suddenly feel horrendously unequipped and emotionally unavailable for. What am I doing? I can’t help anyone, specifically, one to one and professionally. I’m scared. What if my baby cries for the whole time I’m off attempting a job I don’t think I can do?
I have four days to find someone to take her for an hour. If I can’t, I will have to horribly and humiliatingly admit defeat and let this poor client down whilst proving everyone right about taking me on with a small baby. If I can then I will have to horribly and humiliatingly crash and burn in the care sector with nobody to blame. What am I doing?
14 September 2007
How can it be nearly time to go?
We have been packing today and I don’t want to. Really don’t want to. We spent some time walking today, and playing on a tiny playground in the village of Gatehouse. It has been drizzling again, tiny light drops of rain but much harder than our one shower last week. I can’t believe how much sun we have had this week!
Oh, and after my Morgan-breakfast-worry, I have expressed over an ounce every two days which has been plenty for her cereals. I think from now on though my pump may be going away as she’s getting happier with the sharpness of unadulterated fruit juices in her baby porridge. Not to mention the quantity of toast she happily consumes…
Oh, and after my Morgan-breakfast-worry, I have expressed over an ounce every two days which has been plenty for her cereals. I think from now on though my pump may be going away as she’s getting happier with the sharpness of unadulterated fruit juices in her baby porridge. Not to mention the quantity of toast she happily consumes…
13 September 2007
Some random paragraphs I wrote this last week about the places we have been.
A soft mist of rain is falling, the first all week. It is so light it seems suspended, tiny nebulous silver droplets that collect on my coat and sling as I walk. It is warm, and the pregnant purple clouds rest on a distant slate peak as we turn onto a winding side-road to head away from the village.
The bracken is colouring a deep, rich bronze for the harvest season and the road is lined with the emerald through amber and brightest orange. The whole world is spread before us like a crumpled duvet. The hills rise behind, not the green and brown we would be tempted to paint them, but yellow and purple and grey. Every blade of grass is perfect.
* * * * *
The sea today is freckled with tiny white peaks. It is usually such a great grey expanse when we drive out this way, glinting like a mirror reflecting clouds and the vain hopping birds in solitary pursuit on buried treasure. The edges of this stretch are green – almost excessively so. I have seen the grazing semi-wild goats bound right onto the sand as if daring the tidal waters.
The tiny bays we can get into to walk and play, the sand is fine as gold dust but crunchy on top with mussel shells. All are havens for that childhood clamour to fish the rock pools and climb and clamber. We have become obsessives too, scouring stretches for glassy aquariums in which we might catch a tiny brown crab or an alien-looking shrimp. Jenna is under their spell.
I can see her now, memories of those long lazy days at the shore. She is so tall and long, lithe bare limbs all sunshine and strength. Yesterday her legs were skinned by a fall onto some jagged rocks and after a moment of tearful anger at the roughness of stone she was off and running while I hovered still between her babyhood and independence. Oh I wanted to hold her but she would not could not stay. And the tide retreats again, always changing.
The bracken is colouring a deep, rich bronze for the harvest season and the road is lined with the emerald through amber and brightest orange. The whole world is spread before us like a crumpled duvet. The hills rise behind, not the green and brown we would be tempted to paint them, but yellow and purple and grey. Every blade of grass is perfect.
* * * * *
The sea today is freckled with tiny white peaks. It is usually such a great grey expanse when we drive out this way, glinting like a mirror reflecting clouds and the vain hopping birds in solitary pursuit on buried treasure. The edges of this stretch are green – almost excessively so. I have seen the grazing semi-wild goats bound right onto the sand as if daring the tidal waters.
The tiny bays we can get into to walk and play, the sand is fine as gold dust but crunchy on top with mussel shells. All are havens for that childhood clamour to fish the rock pools and climb and clamber. We have become obsessives too, scouring stretches for glassy aquariums in which we might catch a tiny brown crab or an alien-looking shrimp. Jenna is under their spell.
I can see her now, memories of those long lazy days at the shore. She is so tall and long, lithe bare limbs all sunshine and strength. Yesterday her legs were skinned by a fall onto some jagged rocks and after a moment of tearful anger at the roughness of stone she was off and running while I hovered still between her babyhood and independence. Oh I wanted to hold her but she would not could not stay. And the tide retreats again, always changing.
8 September 2007
Why I want to stay here forever
I am NOT ready to go home. I have severe location jealousy and am looking enviously at for sale signs wherever we go. I mean, there is a toy shop here (Jenny Wren in Castle Douglas) that sells fabulous imaginative wooden toys, and wholefood shops, local butchers and bakers, a dairy and creamery. Even local organic ice-cream, literally on our doorstep.
It’s Green Living paradise (apart from possibly it being easier if you own a car) and we have been walking every evening in the green peace of the countryside, eating blackberries from the hedgerow and listening to the birds. We are living in harmony with the rhythms of day and night and the seasons.
We have had deer walking across the back garden, and the girls are playing and laughing like sunshine and rain and everything most perfect. They share a bath every couple of days and are loving each other’s company. Morgan smells like popcorn and lemon cake today and I am snuggling for all I am worth. I can’t say what a parental high I’m on, there just aren’t words.
It’s Green Living paradise (apart from possibly it being easier if you own a car) and we have been walking every evening in the green peace of the countryside, eating blackberries from the hedgerow and listening to the birds. We are living in harmony with the rhythms of day and night and the seasons.
We have had deer walking across the back garden, and the girls are playing and laughing like sunshine and rain and everything most perfect. They share a bath every couple of days and are loving each other’s company. Morgan smells like popcorn and lemon cake today and I am snuggling for all I am worth. I can’t say what a parental high I’m on, there just aren’t words.
5 September 2007
What we keep secret from small children - and travel with cloth bottoms
Another quick thought Jenna learning and about history complete with blood and bones. I am having fun this week explaining some things (for example the violence in our history) to her in child-friendly terms. I’m also finding really that I care more about it than she does so far.
Maybe children are just attracted to the gory bits, but she loves the mummies at the Natural History Museum in Derby, and she loves the bones and things on the Withorn dig here in Galloway. I’m definitely stopping myself from editing her fairy tales to make them more child friendly from now on.
Also I'm sure that the contradictions don't pose as much trouble for her as used as she is to a world where so little makes sense. I don't think by any means that she just ignores the idea of violence and pain, and she certainly empathises, but she doesn't take it on herself and feel any associated guilt about it. Yet. It's really interesting to see.
We bought a selection of our cloth nappies away with us, along with cloth wipes and spray (ie our normal change bag) and a bucket for in the laundry room. We're self-catering so obviously we're doing the washing ourselves. We have enough clothes to probably only need to do one or two clothes washes (if we get dirty) but we will have to wash nappies every second day. So far it hasn't been an issue at all.
It's great that we're somewhere that we don't have to pay extra for the washing facility or for the electricity use, but having now done cloth nappies while away I don't see what we were so worried about when we went away with Jenna at this age! It hasn't been an issue at all, and it has felt good not to have to buy that one extra thing to go away with. :)
Maybe children are just attracted to the gory bits, but she loves the mummies at the Natural History Museum in Derby, and she loves the bones and things on the Withorn dig here in Galloway. I’m definitely stopping myself from editing her fairy tales to make them more child friendly from now on.
Also I'm sure that the contradictions don't pose as much trouble for her as used as she is to a world where so little makes sense. I don't think by any means that she just ignores the idea of violence and pain, and she certainly empathises, but she doesn't take it on herself and feel any associated guilt about it. Yet. It's really interesting to see.
We bought a selection of our cloth nappies away with us, along with cloth wipes and spray (ie our normal change bag) and a bucket for in the laundry room. We're self-catering so obviously we're doing the washing ourselves. We have enough clothes to probably only need to do one or two clothes washes (if we get dirty) but we will have to wash nappies every second day. So far it hasn't been an issue at all.
It's great that we're somewhere that we don't have to pay extra for the washing facility or for the electricity use, but having now done cloth nappies while away I don't see what we were so worried about when we went away with Jenna at this age! It hasn't been an issue at all, and it has felt good not to have to buy that one extra thing to go away with. :)
4 September 2007
A quick irritated rant about learning
Just a quick note to express annoyance at the BBC magazine we picked up for Jenna (yeah, I should have known better I guess). There was a multiple choice question on the parent questionnaire was about whether you “create learning opportunities for your child”.
The answers were essentially “not bothered”, “I think that they do enough at school and home is for play”, or “I try to create learning opportunities every day”!
What about, “I feel that the whole world is my child’s school so I have to create learning opportunites for her in the same way I have to make sure there is enough oxygen for her to breathe”?
The answers were essentially “not bothered”, “I think that they do enough at school and home is for play”, or “I try to create learning opportunities every day”!
What about, “I feel that the whole world is my child’s school so I have to create learning opportunites for her in the same way I have to make sure there is enough oxygen for her to breathe”?
3 September 2007
Some technical aspects of travelling
I have a confession about baby-led-weaning. I am very embarrassed of doing it in public. On the way up we had food in a rest stop and Morgan had some apple and grapes and carrot pieces. When we left I had to crawl around under the table to pick up bits and it still looked bad when I’d finished – I felt so guilty! I know people get paid to clear up after us but that isn’t the point. I hate putting people out, and at least when I was giving Jenna purees it wasn’t a hassle to anyone else…
I have brought the breastpump away with me, feeling bad about possibly giving her anything less than my milk on her breakfasts, so I hope I can manage to get enough over these two weeks. I haven’t let go of the stresses JUST yet.
One thing I’m definitely confirming yet again is how convenient it is to pop Morgan in and out of the slings! At rest stops we could get up and down stairs, no waiting for lifts (no finding lifts) and I didn’t have to find somewhere to park it when we stopped to eat. We’ve been out and about all kinds of places today – the beach, the forest, I can’t imagine having tried to do it with a buggy. I love babywearing, and I’m glad to have had the chance to fall in love with it again.
Today mostly we’ve been on the beach, rockpooling and finding life magical and wonderful. I am so glad to be here. So, so glad.
1 September 2007
Finally! We arrived!
We’re here and tired out, but the place is perfect – wonderful. It’s so big and clean and light and pleasant. The views are heavenly, and it feels like home. We are very very happy. I have to report too that Morgan was fine in the car, and the journey was a dream.
I can't even describe the place and hope to do it justice. There are two cottages joined together, a smaller one with one bedroom (and a pull out bed in the sitting room) where the in-laws are, and a bigger one with two large bedrooms (one with bunk-beds and a single bed, and one double room). Everything is wood and stone and open, simple but comforting. The kitchen is properly stocked and big enough for me to spend hours in here! Jenna soon found a little row of pretty coloured snail-shells along the garden wall, and these touches are everywhere - in short it feels really lived-in and not like a holiday home at all.
The cottage is whitewashed on the outside and there is a green garden sloping up at the back towards some woods. We look out at the front towards the cottage where some friends of the owners live, they're our caretakers so to speak and we had to go to them for the keys. There is one of those huge old heavy wooden farm gates that, if you're small, you can stand on as it swings closed. We can see fields and fields, autumnal leaves, glorious colourful wildflowers, heather and bracken and sky - more sky than you can ever see in the city. Heaven must look just a little like this I think.
I can't even describe the place and hope to do it justice. There are two cottages joined together, a smaller one with one bedroom (and a pull out bed in the sitting room) where the in-laws are, and a bigger one with two large bedrooms (one with bunk-beds and a single bed, and one double room). Everything is wood and stone and open, simple but comforting. The kitchen is properly stocked and big enough for me to spend hours in here! Jenna soon found a little row of pretty coloured snail-shells along the garden wall, and these touches are everywhere - in short it feels really lived-in and not like a holiday home at all.
The cottage is whitewashed on the outside and there is a green garden sloping up at the back towards some woods. We look out at the front towards the cottage where some friends of the owners live, they're our caretakers so to speak and we had to go to them for the keys. There is one of those huge old heavy wooden farm gates that, if you're small, you can stand on as it swings closed. We can see fields and fields, autumnal leaves, glorious colourful wildflowers, heather and bracken and sky - more sky than you can ever see in the city. Heaven must look just a little like this I think.
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